Her Boyfriend, My Husband

CHAPTER 29

Yusuf's POV

My incompetence and total lack of gentility has cost me this much hurt. If only I wasn't too rough around the edges, if only I knew how to be soft enough to calm and comfort a crying girl. If only I had even a tiny bit of an understanding of women and if only I wasn't myself, I could have given Maryam what she wanted and not have had to hear her shout it at my face that she needed Abdallah instead of me.

I have sisters, plenty of them and eventually down the line, I had Zainab too but I still have no idea what to do or say when a girl is crying right in front of me. All I know is that seeing Maryam in such a miserable emotional state had bored painful holes into my chest but I was still at a loss of how it was I was to address it. My first instinct was to pull her into me and hold her tight, shushing her cries and kissing her forehead and telling her that I love her, that she can cry for as long as she needs to in my arms but I know Maryam will not appreciate any of that and I might end up with a slap on my face.

So I ditched that plan and tried talking her out of her crying, I tried making her see that she needs someone to take care of her in such a state and I hoped she would accept that someone to be me. I was her husband and I hoped that she would honor the promise she made to her late grandfather and grant me the right to comfort her and share in her sorrow but instead, Maryam screamed it at my face that I wasn't worthy of that. And indeed I deserved it since I truly lacked the faculties needed for that.

Planning this up coming operation we were to carry out in Maiduguri was easier than understanding Maryam. Deciding between planning an ambush or a head on collision for an attack tactic was easier than deciding what Maryam may be thinking. It was impossible to read her mind or predict her actions since just earlier, when she made that promise to Kaka, I had seen her eyes twinkling with earnesty and something I dared to conclude was affection for me. But now, all of a sudden, she stares daggers at me and yells at me to leave her alone.

Was this even possible? For her to ever accept me? For her to see that I truly love her for the sake of Allah and that I would do all I can to make it possible for our marriage to never fall apart. I know I have been wrong, the circumstances with which I got married to her were wrong but I was more than willing and ready to make it right. But was Maryam ready or even willing?

I fear from her behavior that she was indicating she has no feelings for me whatsoever and she didn't even want to develop any. What if what she said earlier about needing Abdallah instead of me was meant to show me to give up all hope on thinking that one day, eventually, Maryam would love me too?

I have been shot on the shoulder once and I had to get a surgery on my scapula but still, none of that compared to the pain I felt when I stood by the bathroom door trying to ease my wife's worries only for her to tell me she needs someone else, not me. But I had already promised her that whoever it is, I would bring them to her and so, I stifled the feeling in my chest and went ahead to fulfill my promise and bring Abdallah to her.

I just hope that she gets the solace she needs and when she comes back to the room after talking to him, she would be alleviated from all the hurt she was in earlier. I trust Maryam and I know even if she is in distress, there wasn't even a question of her knowing how to behave appropriately. But I couldn't say the same for Abdallah after what he had done last night right in front of me. What if he attempts to hold her again?

I paced around the room trying to not let myself go out that room door and succumb to the need of going to check up on Maryam. I trust her, I reminded myself and distanced myself away from the door. I sat on the same chair Mommy has just made me sit on as she talked to me in riddles about how she thought Maryam was pregnant. If Maryam had just looked at me for a moment and not covered her face with her hands, she would have seen how unlike her, I had found the whole situation funny.