Hold Me Close | Kellic

Chapter 26

Warning: Could be triggering
VIC'S P.O.V

December 15th, 2002

Staring at the ground below my feet as I kicked a small, grey pebble I contemplated it's purpose. This pebble had no reason for it's existence and yet here it was, so easily being thrashed around by something greater than itself. If I were to abandon this pebble there would be no fixing it since it's hard to find life in something that's already dead. It would be bruised and smashed for the rest of it's time. Something would have made this pebble however it still had no function. If I had crushed it the world wouldn't have even blinked. Was I like this pebble?

I swung my leg back and kicked it out of the way, far enough that I couldn't see where it had landed. Maybe it was on the road, maybe it had fallen into a ditch, maybe it had found a home in a puddle. No where would've have been a suitable place for an irrelevant pebble but I knew that I'd be in the same dark, damp place. Either that or my mind was already there.

The sky above me gradually darkened and for a moment I wondered if it was purposely reflecting my emotions. For whatever reason the sky was ready to cry for me yet I didn't want to shed a single tear if no one else would either once I had done this.
That was a lie, three people would be broken but when you're as broken as I am it doesn't matter. I used to believe that maybe someone might fix me, they would show me that they would hold me close to their heart and that I wasn't broken but that person never came for me. I had my three best friends and they were all I could ever ask for but were they capable of saving this lost soul's life? I doubted it.

Thoughts and memories of my brother and I drifted in and out of my mind. I mainly tried to relive the moments of yesterday. It had been Mike's birthday, the atmosphere of home was even livelier and happier than it's usual welcoming self. I tried all I could to include myself in the celebration but instead I loomed in the corner of the room, praying that the event would end already so that I could leave and join my most beautiful, silver friends rather than be with clueless people who had no idea what the following day would bring.

The only thing I wanted to have done yesterday was make Mike happy but I couldn't do it, I couldn't even bring myself to hug him. Nerves washed over me at the thought of someone touching me and the only instinct I had was to collapse or run and hide. That's all I seemed to be able to do, run and hide. The amount of guilt that consumed me was unimaginable, to feel fear as strong as that even towards your own brother. I was ashamed of being weak.
He was happy though, not for a second was he not smiling. I envied him and his happiness but more than that I loved him. I think I wasn't as grateful for him as I should've been, he was one in a million and I would have never wanted him to experience any of the pain I had felt for the majority of my pitiful life and yet, here I was about to hand over all the sadness to him. I was being selfish but once you're dead, there's no time left to feel the guilt.

I looked a head of me and saw that my house was in view, in that moment dread and nerves overwhelmed me although my mind was set on this decision being for the best. My parents' car wasn't parked in the driveway as I had planned which came as a relief, they needn't be involved in this. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through until I got to Mike's number.

"Don't go home," I texted, "Go to the den, we have extra band practice." It was a lie but I needed any excuse for him to not go home, I couldn't let him of all people be the one to find me.

I didn't bother waiting for a response, if I thought about him anymore then there might be the temptation to change my mind but I wouldn't let that happen. This was what I wanted, it was what I needed.

I unlocked the front door and called out to be certain that no one was home. I didn't have the slightest clue as to where my parents were but I didn't need to, the knowledge that they were never home anyway was enough reassurance.