I DON'T. [harvey mills]

Thirty One.

"You did what?", I ask Mae.

"Don't be so dramatic, Morgan! All I did was talk to him!"

"'Talk to him?' You told him the only reason why he ever dated Emily was because he was trying to get over me! Don't you understand? He's tired of me trying to get him to admit he likes me when it's more than obvious now that he doesn't. And hey, it's no coincidence that he hasn't even tried to talk to me lately. He doesn't like me, and you just made it ten times worse!", I sigh, "Please, don't ever tell him anything about me if you happen to run into him. I bet he won't want to know a thing about me ever again"

"Okay, chill. You are being really extra  right now."

"And you're being way too chill about it. You really don't understand what you've done, do you?"

"Calm down, it's not like he hates you."

"You don't know that. I knew he didn't hate me when he at least talked to me and would come over and we'd hang out. Or... I'd know for a fact he doesn't hate me if he at least texted me back. But guess what? He hasn't read any of my texts. He doesn't want to hear from me ever again and I finally got the message... I should've never done anything, I should've never tried to get him to admit his feelings for me. And neither should you."

"Morgan, I know exactly what I did and why I did it and I promise you, I did not do anything wrong this time. But you know what? If you don't want my help, then that's what you'll get. I won't help you anymore", she says walking out of the room.

"That's not what I-", I grab my pillow and put my face in it.

Have you ever felt this huge desire to do something you know you want to do but then realize it might have so many side effects you just totally avoid it because you're scared it'll totally ruin everything for you? Don't know if that made any sense but yeah, that's me right now. I want to talk to him. It's like... I need to talk to him but I know he most likely doesn't even want to hear from me after what happened. Why did Mae have to intervene? I appreciate the help but it's honestly none of her business, and yeah, I get that she's more mature and all but forcing something has never made it right. I only want to let this thing rest. Not that I'm saying that it's bad to try. Trying is good. But after a certain number of attempts, you get tired. I don't want to try to make this work anymore. I'm ready to let it go and move on for real this time.

I get up and go to Mae's room, "Hey, look. I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want your help. But I just really don't want this thing to keep going. It's over, and I don't want to think about it ever again. I need to stop thinking about him and whatever happened. It's gone."

"Okay... are you sure, though?"

I nod, "Never been more sure"

•••

I woke up with a pretty positive attitude today. I feel kinda okay with him being out of my life. At least he's not dating my friend anymore. That was probably the worst part. I'm glad it's over.

Rumors run through the halls at school. Everyone's got a different version of what happened between Emily and Harvey.

"He broke up with her? How'd that happen?", I hear Arya ask Jordyn.

"Hey", I say.

"Did you hear that Harvey broke up with Emily?", Jordyn asks me.

"He didn't. She did"

"Oh.", Jordyn looks down at the floor, "hey, I just realized. Now you can finally be with Harvey"

"Actually... no."

"What?", they both ask, surprised.

"I don't think I like him anymore."

"Why?", Jordyn asks.

"Yeah, what do you mean?"

"He doesn't like me, so what's the point? I've decided to move on"

"That's not just something you can decide", Arya says.

"Besides, he does like you"

"No, he doesn't. Stop saying that."

"I won't. Because it's the truth."

"No, it's not."

"Jordyn, he hasn't talked to me in weeks!"

"Please, you think that's enough proof for you to think he doesn't have feelings for you? Ashton rejected me. I asked him out, he asked me if I liked him. I admitted to it and he said that he doesn't and will never feel that way about me, that I'll never be more than a friend to him."

"Did he really say it like that?", I ask her.

"Yes, boys are total jerks", she sighs in frustration —it's kind of strange to me how she always manages to be so good at hiding her sadness. I mean, I know she's sad and upset but she doesn't really show that... ever— "the point is, you have no real proof he doesn't like you. I do. The guy I like literally told me he'd never feel anything like that for me. And you know me, I don't usually give up on something I want unless it's helpless. In this case, you know what? Yeah, it's helpless. He doesn't like me, whatever... onto someone else, I guess. But you... I don't want you to stop trying, because, one, I know he'd treat you right, and two, I can tell that you really like him"

Arya just stares and nods, almost like she's supporting Jordyn's statements.

I think about her words for a couple seconds and then say "that doesn't matter if he doesn't like me"

They look at each other and yell at me, "he does like you!"

"You guys don't know that. Besides, I'm emotionally tired, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't want to keep trying. I give up"

Jordyn takes a deep breath, as she's trying not to explode and then says, "you know what? You do you"