OFFICE AFFAIRS||LGBT✔

[18]Kennedy Knight

It was insane how my head would buzz and buzz until I was so gone to even think, move or do anything using my brain.

My body would be numb from feeling and it would do whatever it wanted, free from the ropes of my sanity. My mouth would move on its own accord muttering, mumbling, screaming, yelling and whispering words that carried nothing close to my consciousness.

The bottom of my fifth bottle was the color of clear glass, the chocolat-ish dark liquid no way in sight, the only evidence of the bottles ever being full being the extremely drowsy trance I found myself in.

On a Thursday evening, I was in the confines of my house. The place thrashed and messy, broken glass pieces littering the carpeted floor sharp, cunning and hungry to put more open bloodied wounds in my foot where I nursed many of those but thanks to the amount of alcohol in my system. The only reminder of the evident wounds was the sight of the harsh red color of clotted blood that painted my white carpet a messy red.

Ding!

The sharp ringing of my doorbell had my head pounding in the most painful way possible. In the midst of being drunk, I didn't think about how it could be a serial killer at the door, how it could be the beautiful man I had spent the whole week hiding from or how it could be my beloved sister that I would never want to see me with a urine stain on my sweats but when alcohol was too much in your body it just wrapped it's evil, disgusting fingers around your sanity until you had no idea what was happening so that's how I found my shaky legs moving to the door that was luckily near and that is how I found myself wide-eyed gaping at my sister as her eyes widened too as her brain registered the pathetic sight in front of her eyes.

Being drunk, hungry, exhausted, sleep derived, humiliated, confused, shocked, embarrassed and sad wasn't a good combination I tell you and that is how I found myself knees wobbling on me and my body stumbling around as I tried my best to stay on my two feet which in the end wasn't accomplished.

"My- What Is-Jesus!" My beautiful sister sounded lost at words as she stood there in the doorway doing nothing and just looking at me with moist eyes, her words chocked out as I sat there on my ass finally, my brain far too gone to understand what was going but my consciousness a little bit enough to feel sad for making my sister's eyes wet until slow lines of clear liquid flowed freely down her checks and heart wrecking sobs fighting out as she put a hand on her mouth to keep her sobs in place.

"What have you done Ken? What are you doing to yourself?" Star yelled the words out but the sadness in her voice made the words venom-less instead the words carried raw pain, pain I had caused my little sister.

I tried standing up but with my body still intoxicated I found myself on my ass once again which had Star chocking and sobbing harder.

"Don't c-cry S-star. You a-re g-going make me c-cry" I chocked-stuttered and hiccupped the words out as my own eyes watered on their own accords wetting my already red face.

"P-please don't cry Star. I won't do it again" I sounded pathetic even to my own deaf ears but even with close to none thoughts or sanity. I didn't want to do this anymore. I needed not to do this anymore.

Drinking was doing nothing more than make my life more complicated and sadder than it was. I had my demons. I had my nightmares that no one knew about but trying to deny my heart to hurt and my mind to remember was like not allowing myself to think or to be alive so hiding in the pathetic mess my bottles created was going to be the end of me.

I needed to put a full stop on the prison I had sentenced myself in. I needed to talk to someone, probably not my sister or friends since I wasn't ready for that but I would start with a stranger. I needed rehab, medication and therapist that I realized even with the alcohol buzzing in my body. That is how I had messed up.

I was brought out of the reasonable thoughts I had had in a long time as my sister desperately tried to quiet down her sobs as she fumbled with her clothing pockets looking for something that happened to be her phone.

Even as I sat there, teary-eyed and so drunk. I knew what she was going to do. Either she was going to call 911 on me again or she was going to call her best friend 'Edward'. I didn't want either.

Edward is the one I blamed. I blamed him for doing this to me. For awakening the Kennedy in me that was vulnerable and broken. The Kennedy in me that I tried so hard to hide from everyone. I blamed him for reminding me of someone so similar to him and just so different. I blamed him for confusing me and playing with me even though he was oblivious to what he was doing to me subconsciously.

I blamed him. I blamed everything on him yet I knew deep down he wasn't to be blamed. He was just another gay man to lust over me. He didn't know what his lust-filled eyes did to me. He didn't know the person they reminded me of. He didn't what his hands on my body awakened. He had no idea I had once been on the receiving end. He didn't know I had once been underneath another male's body. He was just oblivious but I blamed him so that's how I found myself on my knees in a hurry and pulling my sister's leg violently to catch her attention once again.

"P-please...D-d-don't c-call Edward. He did this. He-" I didn't get to finish the sentence, my body decided then to give up on me. Bile rose in my throat and I fought with my body to swallow the disgusting thing down but I just chocked and threw up.

My vision was blurring slightly. The corner of eyes was losing sight and black patches were invading where I could see my throw up that was red in color meaning one thing.

Blood.

I had alcohol poisoned myself once again but this time I was ready to go and make myself new. Even though my eye sight was fading on me and I was losing my consciousness. I felt better. The buzzing of my head quieting down and Star's screams sounding soothing instead of unbearably loud.

"Please don't call Edward. I need to go to rehab and I promise to see a therapist this time" I tried to use a firm voice to comfort my sobbing sister but my voice sounded tiny and I prayed Star had heard me.

Slowly and slowly I lost my consciousness in the midst of Carla gripping my cold hands in her warm ones, her wet warm tears dripping on my forehead as she tried to keep me awake.

Black.

I welcomed the darkness with familiarity.