♛ I Will Not Die ♛

Chapter 39- A Mother's Love

I shoved as much gold as I could carry into the bag, standing up and putting it over my shoulder. I looked around at my room. There was so many memories. So much time spent here. This was my life. My birth. My first walk. My first kiss. My first everything.

My first pain. My first heartbreak. My first blood. My first child loss.

Many firsts were brought to this keep. But as I closed the door behind me I didn't feel pain of the past. I felt yearning for the future. I took gold. My dagger. And five pieces of cloth. Each no more than the size of my hand.

Tommen's riding cloak. Myrcella's favorite yellow dress. My gown from winterfell.  Luca's first swaddling blanket. Margaery's wedding dress.

I left without a turn of my head.

When I arrived at the stables, the men stepped aside for my path. The news spread quick I see. Gossip moved like snakes in the keep. Slithering through anything to get to it's prey. I walk up and down the walkway, looking into the stalls.

"Your most reliable horse. Endurance. I have a long journey ahead of me." I say, looking over the men. I could scarcely use the word men. They were boys. No older than I. They looked between themselves before one of them stepped foreword.

"A stallion from the lands of Dorne, M'lady." He pointed to a stall and I turned to it. The horse inside stood his ground, staring me down. Unblinking.

"He's perfect." They saddle him up and pull him into the walkway. Now I can fully see his coloring. He's dark dappled grey with a black nose that fades out to the rest of his snout. The space around his eyes is the same midnight black around with half or so of each of his legs. But what sets him different is the white mane. Clean and sleek. Both his tail and mane are the same pale silver.

I mount him, siting tall on his back. He once squirmed with the man holding his reigns but now he did not stir. I patted the side of his neck, feeling the soft fur underneath my fingers. "Does he have a name?"

"The horses in the stables do not have names M'lady." He informs, his head bowed.

"Your deeds will not be forgotten." I say nodding a thanks.

"Anything for the Princess." I chuckle as my grip tightens on the reigns.

"I am not your Princess anymore."

I hopped off my horse, putting the reigns on a post and walking in the closed door. I put down my hood, looking around at the small room. Children packed in, the noise making me invisible. My eyes found the caretaker and I went to her before I could be recognized by the children who would want to play.

My eyes found the Caretaker. Her face seemed older but I only saw her three moons ago. After the birth of Luca and Alla. When she saw me she smiled brightly, adding a few more years to her smile. "You have returned Princess." She says with a bow of her head. Suddenly her smile disappears. "I heard of Margaery. I haven't had the heart to tell the children yet. The older ones have figured it out but the younger still remain unknowing."

I nod with understanding grace. "Let them know when they are ready."

"They will be pleases to see you."

"Not today, unfortunately. I came to see some a child. I plan on leaving. Heading north."

"To where, Your Grace?" The title moves off her tongue like the smooth silk in my bag.

"The north." I answer simply. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't even know why I was here. What was I doing. Where am I. What have I done.

No. I am Aella Baratheon. I know why I'm doing.

"Well what is it that you've came for?"

"The girl. Three moons ago I brought her here under the false pretense that she was a low born abandoned infant. But I had to lie in order to protect her. Her name is Alla Baratheon and she is the last child of the late Margaery and Joffrey." Her eyes widen as she takes in the information.

"Of course. I understand, Your Grace." She scurries away to a side room. When she returns she holds a baby in her arms. She's almost unrecognizable. Her purple eyes had faded into a darker shade. You could only really see the purple in great like. Her hair was growing in a tuft of pale gold. She held her own head up as the Caretaker moved herself so Alla could see me.  She smiles.

And it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I take her into my arms, holding her so softly as if I held her too tightly she would break. But she was strong. Bigger than Luca had been when I lost him. Or maybe I had just forgotten Luca's size already. Pretty soon his face would be gone from my brain too. A fleeting glance.

But I hold onto this for the time being. I put my hand to the babe's face. My palm covers most of that side as I look into her beautiful eyes. She reaches out and grabs my thumb hard in her own hands. With all the might she could. I imagined this as her trying to pull me in. Keeping me here rather than leaving behind everything I knew.

But she was just a babe. And I was just a girl.  A very lost girl.

I gave her a long kiss on the forehead, a single tear spilling from my eye. She has Margaery's smile. I wished that was the last thing I saw of my love. A smile. Not a look of fear.

The images flashed behind my eyes and I had to remind myself I couldn't break here. Not here. Not now. The woman gives me a soft smile as she takes the baby back in her arms.

"You will tell no one her true parentage. If anyone tries to adopt her do not allow it. You must protect her. I beg of you." I put a hand on her shoulder, looking in the babes purple orbs.

"Your Grace. I would never betray your command." She gives a short and clumsy curtsy.

"Keep her safe for me. Please."

"For you. Your Grace."

When I wake up, I feel as though everything had been a dream. Alyex stomps his hooves on the muddy ground. Kicking up the wet dirt and splattering it into my face. The wake up call gives me a pretty clear realization that it wasn't a dream. "Thanks a lot asshole." I say as I try to wipe off the mud. The stallion just huffs in response.

I sit up from my bed on the stump and take in my surroundings. I'm thick into the Kings road. Somewhere off of it to get some rest. Now to find the damn thing again. Kingslanding is far in the distance now. South. I can't even see the fucking thing anymore.

Its strange. The only time I was this far home was when I was with my family. With my father. "Family." Can I even call it that anymore? I'd like to say my family died with my father. But it didn't. I loved my father. But he wasn't the man he once was.

No. My family died when Jon Snow's child was murdered in my womb. When Joffrey raped me. My family died when my mother allowed it all to happen. My family died when Myrcella was sent away. My family died when Tyrion and Sansa left me. My family died when Luca had his throat slit in the middle of the night. My family died in the flames of the Sept. My family died long ago. Time and time again.

What's the point of loving when it all dies in the end?

I pull myself onto the back of the Dornish steed and steady myself with a huff that could match the horse's. "I miss when someone would put a fucking stepping stool down for me. Takes a lot out of someone." I pay Alyex's neck and laugh a little to myself. "Oh my gods I'm talking to a horse."

The horse shakes his head as if he thinks I'm as crazy as I say. I decide I should keep my thoughts in my head from now on. I find the kings road again and put my hood over my head. I doubted I'd be recognized anyway. To these people I was just their faceless princess. I had never met them and they probably didn't even care about me. I respected that. If I was living outside of Kingslanding out of grip from those assholes I wouldn't give two shits about anything to do with the royal family.

Hell I didn't give two shits about them and I was apart of the royal family.

This would be a long fucking haul.