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45 - Sam

Dedicated to Hotchick101!

I can’t sleep.  There’s a pounding in my head that I know a shop full of paracetamol couldn’t get rid of and even though my eyelids are heavy I can’t get them to stay closed.  I stare at the ceiling after having squinted at the clock on my bedside table.  It’s only half one in the morning.  I should be safe in my dreams right now, Emmy curled up beside me, but thoughts of earlier in the recording studio are still haunting me.

Even though I’d seen Emmy’s smile and heard Emmy’s voice, I’d still seen Michelle’s gaze in Emmy’s after we’d finished singing.  Everything is happening all over again.  We get signed, think we’ve made it big when we come up with a killer song, and everyone loves our combined voices.  Everything had been better when Michelle and I had been just friends and I can’t help feeling that maybe taking things further with Emmy will reignite what I can’t help thinking is a curse.  I really, really like Emmy, but every time I think of us singing together I blink and see Michelle standing in her place.

What makes things worse is that I’m sure Emmy knows that something’s up.  She’s a smart chick and I’m pretty sure it won’t take her long to get the truth out of me.  How am I supposed to tell her that I’m not sure that us being together is a good idea? 

I screw my eyes up in frustration, willing slumber to seduce me like one of Emmy’s kisses, but it won’t.  I’m wider awake than just now as I lower my side of the duvet, the covers suddenly smothering me.  Usually on a sleepless night I’d walk around my room, open a window and stare out at London, but I don’t want to wake Emmy.  She’ll know for sure that something’s wrong then.

I muffle my sigh into the arm that Emmy’s not holding.  I hate that I’m so insecure when it comes to trusting people.  I was fine until Michelle left us hanging.  Now I find it hard to trust anyone, let alone a girl who’s managed to steal my heart in the space of a fortnight.

My muscles ache, my brain sore, and even Emmy’s presence can’t soothe them.  I know I love her.  I knew it from the first time I saw her, as corny as that sounds, but I don’t know if I can risk my heart getting broken again.  I keep having to remind myself that Emmy isn’t Michelle but it’s so hard to do that when everything Emmy does, Michelle’s already done.

I close my eyes and force myself to concentrate on the sound of Emmy’s breaths and when I open my eyes again there’s sunlight filtering through the blinds. I sit up.  Emmy’s rolled away from me in the night.  I hover a hand above her cheek but I don’t lower it to her skin, scared of waking her. 

With painstaking slowness I get out of bed and head to the lounge.  I’m not hungry but making food will take up my thoughts for a while at least.  I feel so helpless.  This is so different but so similar to last time and I can’t bear a repeat.