Sketch

109 - Sam

Dedicated to sudedabkara for her kind words on the last chapter :)  P.s, the song on the side is beautiful.

Emmy's bag is next to the front door when we return to the flat.  She tries to snatch it up without anyone seeing but we do, congratulating her for forgetting it with a round of applause.  We're all in high spirits at the thought of an audition tomorrow and even though it's almost midnight I'm nowhere near tired.

"I definitely had it when I left, huh Sam?" Emmy mocks, sticking her tongue out at me.

I laugh, pushing her down onto the sofa and climbing on top of her.  I bend down, peppering her face with kisses while she screams for me to let her go.  I do, but only once I've ruffled her hair and blown raspberries on her neck.  She chases me into the bedroom before diving onto the bed after me. 

The door's wide open but Vince and Ollie are oblivious, cracking open yet more cans of beer in the kitchen.  The audition isn't until late afternoon so I let them celebrate. 

Lack of concentration allows Emmy to straddle me and I let her try to tickle me before I throw her off gently so I can begin hitting her with a pillow.  She grabs the second pillow, fighting back until we're both out of breath.

"You win!" she exclaims, throwing her pillow down and hiding her face behind her hands. 

I ruffle her hair again.  "Say I'm better than you."

"Samuel Merrick, you are better than me," she pants, grabbing my hands as I go for her hair again.  "Please.  I'm going to wee myself."

I chuckle, tickling her waist before letting her get up.  I slap her bum as she leaves and she shoots me daggers from the door.  I laugh harder, waving as she disappears from view. 

I'm alone with my thoughts for a matter of seconds, a huge smile planted firmly on my face, before Ollie sticks his head around the door.

"What song are we gonna sing tomorrow?" he asks.  His eyes are bright and I'm guessing it's a mixture of excitement for the audition and alcohol.

"I haven't really thought about it," I say.  "Any ideas?"

He shrugs.  "You're the boss.  You can choose."

I nod slowly and then Emmy's back.  Ollie winks before shutting my bedroom door.  Emmy drops onto the bed beside me but I don't turn to look at her.  Inside, I'm stuck replaying Ollie's words in my head.  Doubt starts to circle my veins and the familiar taste of nerves leaves my mouth bitter.

"Oh no.  I know that face."

I finally look to Emmy, trying to clear my expression.  "What face?"

She sucks in a breath, like she's about to reveal a depressing diagnosis.  "That face."

"I am not wearing a face."

"You are," she says, adamant.  "Trust me.  I've seen this one plenty of times before."

"Oh yeah?" I counter.  "When?"

"Enough times," she assures me.  "It's your self-doubt face."

I want to feign any knowledge of said face but I can't.  I want to ask her how she knows me so well already.  How she can still love me when I always seem to go off into a bad mood just as things are looking up.  No matter how optimistic things seem, it's like my mind searches desperately for something negative to cling onto before magnifying it, making it more urgent than anything else.

Even something as stupid as hearing Ollie say I'm in charge has been blown out of proportion by my brain and now I can't think about anything else.  The well-known feeling of pressure is pushing on my lungs, forcing out a massive sigh.  I fall back onto the bed, threading my hands behind my head and staring up at the ceiling.  I find patterns in the paintwork, a black mark in one of the corners, and then Emmy's face blocks my view.  Her hair falls onto my cheeks and my skin tingles with the feel of goosebumps.  I welcome the sensation, using it to help douse the dark flames engulfing my body.  I shiver before pulling Emmy's face closer to mine until our noses touch.  She shifts so our foreheads rest against each other, letting out a breath that moves the ends of my hair that circle behind my ears.

"Oh, Sam.  I wish you believed in yourself a little more."  She sits up, one arm propped either side of my chest, resting on her knees.  "Actually, a lot more.  You don't even know what you've achieved, do you?"

I manage a flicker of a smile.  "You?"

Her smile is sweet.  "You're in a band that's managed to escape the garage.  Do you know how many other bands would love to play outside of their parent's garage?"

I shrug against the bed.  "A few?"

"I imagine more," she says.  "You've got to start not listening to whatever is holding you back and focus on what's actually going on, not what could or might happen.  Don't live your life in limbo," she adds.  "That's what my dad says to me."  She smiles, reminiscing.  Her eyes turn a little glassy and I squeeze her hand to wake her back up. 

"Don't live a half-life.  My dad's an all or nothing kinda guy.  I guess it's where I get my outlook from.  Sure, I get nervous too but I don't let it take over."

"Like tonight," I say.  "You could have freaked out about not having your clothes, but you didn't."

She nods, trailing fingers through my hair softly.  "Yeah.  I was going crazy at one point though, but then I forced myself to remember what the gig was really about.  It wasn't about looking hot in nice clothes, it was about raising  money.  I was just lucky that Tandy's a model and a nice person.  She didn't have to help, but she did."

"She really likes you," I say.  "She loves having you here.  We all do."

"Good," she replies.  "'Cause I'm not going anywhere.  I believe that we can make Sketch work and you should too."

I sit back up.  The clock reads half past one.  I move to the window and look out across London. 

"I'm going to miss this view," I tell Emmy.

She joins me, gazing up at the almost black sky.  "It never seems to get completely dark here," she notes.  "The city lights are brighter than the stars."

I expect her to look sad, but instead she looks thoughtful.  She spots me looking and smiles.

"You've got to take life for what it is," she says simply.  "London never seems to shut down and I guess that's why some people come here.  There's always someplace to go, no matter what time of day or night it is."

Her words spark an idea in my head.  "Fancy a walk?" I ask, grabbing her hand.  "I know a place."

She nods instantly, not one to turn down being spontaneous.  I start to wish I could be more like her, but as we pull on our shoes, ignoring the odd looks from Ollie and Vince, I realise we are pretty similar.  I may not be as blunt or courageous as her but we both listen and learn. 

As we zip up our coats and step into the corridor, I hear Vince uttering an explanation for our early morning dash. 

"Emergency condom run."

I'm still laughing inside as we wave to the midnight porter in the foyer and step outside into the cold.    It smells cleaner at night and as we set off I draw in huge lungful's of air.  When I breathe out, I expel the negativity too.  Tonight I'm living as Emmy does.