Radio Interview (Louis Tomlinson)

Chapter 12 ~ Louis

Chapter 12 ― Louis 

She liked someone.

That wasn’t supposed to bug me, but it did. It fucking did, and very much. I walked behind her, my eyes glued on her and my mind going crazy. Who was he? Where did they meet? Why did she like him? And Joy was right, someone who didn’t like Havi back had to be stupid. Fucking stupid. She was great, she was sweet, she was cute, she was beautiful, funny, witty, she was caring, she was a good friend and I knew all this when I barely knew her. You didn’t have to be a genius to know she was pretty incredible and whoever this idiot was, he was missing such a great girl. That damn lucky idiot. He was lucky enough to have someone like Havi liking him and he didn’t correspond her feelings. Idiot.

And I was jealous.

Nevertheless, I wasn’t accepting I had a crush on Havi, I was jealous because she… because him… ugh, I couldn’t explain it, I just knew that if I had someone like Havi like me, I would be damn happy. I would love to be with someone like her without having to worry about anything else, but even if I wanted it, I couldn’t have it.

If some day there was this slightly possibility that Havi and I could have something, now it was clearly impossible for something like that to happen because she liked someone else. Someone who wasn’t me. I never realised how much I wanted to be that someone till that moment.

Was it wrong from me to want her to like me even if we couldn’t be together? Even if I could only offer her pain and hatred from our fans?

With every step I took, I grew angrier and I kept telling myself that it was stupid to feel like this, that I didn’t have the slightest right to be angry, but I couldn’t help it. I hated that even in the case I did like Havi –which wasn’t the case–, I couldn’t even fight for her. Plus, I didn’t like the idea of picturing her with another lad, someone who could hug her whenever he wanted, someone who could go out with her to get coffee without getting themselves mobbed, someone who could bring her only happiness and nice things, not a bunch of angry and dangerous teenage girls. I hated that I couldn’t be that guy, not only for Havi, but for any girl out there. However, it annoyed me the most that I couldn’t be that guy for her, for the girl who was walking with her arm folded with Joy’s, her curls bouncing with every step and even if I couldn’t see it, I knew she had her beautiful smile on her face.

Okay, maybe I did have a little crush on her, but that didn’t matter nor didn’t make a difference, because she fancied someone else –a stupid unknown boy I officially hated for being an imbecile– and I couldn’t be with her. I couldn’t ruin her life like that. She was great, she deserved the best and I couldn’t give her that. If I tried something, I was only going to hurt her and that would make her hate me, but never as much as I would hate myself for hurting her the way I hurt Eleanor.

I saw as Joy and Havi got into the cute silver Volkswagen New Beetle, both smiling and laughing at something I wanted to know. I got into the van and sat next to Harry who immediately noticed how lost in my thoughts I was.

“You okay, mate?” He asked patting my shoulder just to bring me back to reality.

I shook my head before answering, I didn’t want to say something that might put me in evidence. If I told them I had this crush –I still didn’t like to admit that, but I couldn’t lie too myself any longer–, they would encourage me to go after Havi, to steal her heart and cheesy things like that, and I couldn’t afford to do that. In fact, just accepting this crush in my mind was going too far.