1Dentity (One Direction Affection: Book 1) [Watty Awards 2012]

30: Code Black

☆ 30: Code Black ★ 

Watching Harry walk away was is possibly the hardest thing I ever had to endure. The pain in my chest, the stinging in my stomach, the way my heart broke with each step he took. What am I doing? Why am I letting him walk away? 

"Paige, are you just going to stand there?" Dylan asks frantically. "Go get him!"

But I was way ahead of him. I'm not giving up that easily. Unlike the time at the radio station, I'm not letting him walk away from me. I'm going to chase after him.

"Harry!" I shout as I take off after him, putting a good distance between us and Dylan, who thankfully stayed were he was. "Wait!"

Harry keeps walking, his pace quickening as he makes his way to a parked car on the side of the road, where he got it? I couldn't care less because right now, all I care about is Harry. I can't afford to lose him. Right now, he is the only part of my life that I feel is safe. Even with the complications of our relationship, I always felt safe when I was with Harry. But, with him walking away, all I can feel is my stomach knotting with each step that he takes. 

And it's anything but safe.

"Harry, please!" I beg, still desperately trying to get him to stop. "Let me explain."

Without warning, Harry spins around and I desperately try to stop before I run into him. "I don't think you need to explain anymore. I think I know exactly how you feel."

I shake my head. "Harry, you have no idea how I feel about you."

Because we never got the chance to talk about it.

"Oh, but I think I do, Paige," He says looking at me with hurt eyes.

I'm going to say it. Even though it's not the way I planned on telling him, it literally is now or never. If I don't tell Harry how I feel, he may go on thinking that I just don't care, and if that happens, I may never be able to live with myself.

"No, you don't, Harry," I say. "You have no idea how much I care about you, how much I want to be wi-"

"You see, Paige, that's where I can't help but think you're lying," Harry says cutting in. "If you really cared, you wouldn't have said that. You wouldn't have called everything a waste."

I take a quick step back. "I didn't mean any of it though. You weren't supposed to hear that," I argue lamely.

The second I say those words, I wish I can swallow them back up.

"Well, I did, Paige. But that wasn't the only thing that I wasn't supposed to hear, huh?" Harry answers harshly. "And I also overheard you talking to Dylan last night about how you were coming to meet your parents. I have to admit, I was a bit hurt that you didn't want me to come, but now I guess I see why."

Suddenly, I become aware that Harry is holding a bouquet of flowers. I don't even know how I didn't notice it before, with the bright assortment of colors. I stare at the flowers, trying hard to figure out what they were for. Harry notices my staring.

"Yeah, these were for your mum," He says, holding up the flowers. "I wanted to make an impression, you know, since you were so certain that I shouldn't meet them. I wanted-" He pauses. "I don't know what I want anymore."

It's at that moment where I realize that Harry didn't hear the whole conversation. If he did, then he would know that my parents aren't here. Do I tell him? Do I tell him that my dad is dead and my mom is busy trying to cleanse herself? I want to tell him, but right now, everything is happening so fast. Everything is changing and I don't know if I can keep up.

"How much of it did you hear?" I ask, almost pleading.

"Enough," He answers vaguely. "Just tell me one thing, Paige. Why did you agree to come on tour with us?" 

I open my mouth to answer, but he continues before I get to say one word.

"And I want the truth, Paige."

The truth. Its something that I've been avoiding all month and its something that got me into this mess in the first place. And now if I want any hope of fixing this horrible mess, I need to tell the truth.

I nod my head slowly, taking a deep breath. "I needed a way to get back to America and I couldn't do it on my own. So, when Liam told me you were touring America, I figured you were my ticket home."

"So, in other words you used me?" He asks clearly hurt. 

"I didn't mean to," I beg.

"That's a lie, Paige," Harry says harshly. "You knew exactly what you were doing the moment you agreed to this."

I can feel everything crashing down around me. First my parents and now Harry. How can this be happening to me? In a desperate attempt to save myself, I point out,

"Well, you're using me, too!" I shout pathetically. 

Even as I say it I know it's not a valid argument.

"We both know that's different," He argues. "I had no choice! Unlike you. You're doing this all on your own. You don't have people making your decisions for you."

He is no doubt right. I did do this willingly and on my own. I figured no one would find out and if they did, I wouldn't care. But I was wrong to think that. I care about Harry more than I've ever cared about anyone in my life. I never expected to feel this way about anyone and coming into this, I never thought I'd feel this way about Harry, of all people. 

And yet here I am, my stomach empty, my insides twisting and my head spinning just with the thought that I'm losing Harry.

"Harry, please," I beg again.

"Was this your plan all along?" He asks, narrowing his green eyes at me. "After you talked to your parents, were you just going to call everything off? Just throw me and the boys to the curb, like nothing?"

"No! That's not it," I say desperately shaking my head. "I wasn't sure what I was going to do."

Harry shakes his head at me, disappointment filling his eyes. "Well, I can make this easier for you."

Everything stopped. My eyes widen as those words escaped his mouth. This can't be happening. No. 

No.

"Harry, no." I plead, knowing exactly where this is going. "Please, stop. Just let me explain."

"I just let you explain," Harry crosses his arms over his chest, looking down at me. "Paige I don't thi-"

"Harry, please," I beg, staring at him helplessly. "Please."

"Fine," he says harshly. "What is it?"

This is it. The explanation that Harry should've heard a long time ago. An explanation that I now regret giving him. The explanation that could've avoided all of this.

"My parents. They aren't the best people in the world, and when I was sixteen, they were caught with drugs," I explain, trying hard to keep my voice steady. "When they were taken to court, a judge saw them unfit to take care of me, so I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle in Sydney. Two years, Harry. That's how long I went without seeing them, without talking to them. You of all people should understand that if given the chance, you'll do anything in your power to see them. That's what I did. That's why I agreed to come here."

Harry let his arms drop to the side. I can't tell if what I said changed his mind about anything. His face was hard, giving off no emotion. 

"Of course, I understand that, Paige," Harry sympathies.

And for a moment, I think that I'm safe. I think that I just saved the one thing in my life that I couldn't afford to lose. I think that we'll kiss and make up and move past all this, because Harry understands. He understands what it's like to not see your parents everyday. He understands how I feel.

However, that small moment of relaxation fades quickly.

"But why?" Harry continues harshly. "Why wouldn't you tell me? Did you think that I wouldn't care?"

"No, th-"

"Did you think that I wouldn't help you?"

"That's not-"

"Did you honestly think so low of me that I wouldn't do everything in my power to bring you and your parents together?"

"I don't think low of you!" I shout before he can cut me off. "That's not it at all!"

"Then what, Paige? Why would you go behind my back? Do you not trust me enough?" Harry asks, looking over my shoulder. I can only image that he's looking at Dylan.

"I trust you with my life! You have to believe me!" I beg.

"Then why?"

I feel my throat closing up. Why? That was the big question today. Why wouldn't I tell Harry? At this moment, I can't even think of a real reason not to. I can't think of anything that would keep me from telling him. But if nothing was keeping me, then why didn't I? Why couldn't I bring myself to tell him? It's not like I didn't have any chances to tell him, because I had more than enough time. 

Especially after the dreams.

I could've told him then. It would've been easy, and yet, something held me back and I don't know what it is.

"I don't know," I answer, my voice cracking. "It was a mistake. It won't happen again, I promise."

Slowly, Harry starts nodding his head in agreement. "You're right."

Before I can even question him, Harry continues,

"It won't happen again because this whole set up was just one big mistake. Thank you for letting me see that."

Mistake. 

That word rang through my ears, hitting every piece of me as it settles in my stomach. As soon as it sets in, I want to spit it back out. Mistake. Harry can't mean that, he can't possibly mean that. My insides were now completely balled and my chest feels empty, as if everything that I've felt for Harry. Everything that we shared over the course of the tour is being thrown back at me. Every word, every joke, every glance, every touch, every kiss. 

Now, to him that means nothing and it's killing me.

"Harry," I manage to choke out, my eyes stinging as I feel the first of the tears making it's way up.

"Bye Paige," Harry says as he drops the bouquet of flowers, backing away. "You've got everything you came here for. I hope you're happy."

I want to scream out to him. I want to yell at him for even thinking that I never cared for him, that I never trusted him. I want to run after him. I want to tell him that he means everything to me. But most of all, I want him back here.

But, I don't do any of that. 

All I can do is drop to my knees, feeling helpless, knowing that I just lost the one person that I can't live without and I hate myself for that.

_________________________

A/N:

I realize that I ended the last chapter in a way that made it seem like the scene was over... my bad... 

Like I said, this chapter is veeery short... Just the conversation with Harry and Paige... 

So, there is only like four or so more chapters, plus the epilogue... and right now, i'm really slacking on writing them. I'm only on 33 and this one is chapter 30.

So, I promised myself that I won't update until I finish chapter 34. So, if I don't update tomorrow don't get upset. I've updated pretty much every day since I first posted this story, and I think thats pretty dang good, right? 

I know this is another hard chapter.... but uh, please vote still? If you vote, I'll LUFF YOU FOREVER! :D 

Thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter, i'm sorry I didn't reply... I was super busy yesterday :/ 

So, hopefully I can get some serious writing done today so i can update the next chapter tomorrow. :) BYE!