SAD ROBOT: an autobiography of my unfortunate existence

80. A BIT OF A SAD ROBOT

80. A BIT OF A SAD ROBOT 

Ava looks at me from across the small table, empathy in her eyes like she is looking upon a lost child who has been separated from his family.

"You seem so downcast, though I don't know how that's even possible."

"I am a bit of a sad robot, this is true."

"I've never heard of anything like that before."

I shrug. "It's just life, I guess."

She seems not sure if she should laugh or pat me on the shoulder consolingly.

I don't doubt her feeling sad for me, I think her concern is very much genuine. I appreciate that, I really do. It was very easy to be extremely wary about coming here and meeting like this. I chose to meet in one of the most public of places, in a fine dining restaurant, really to put every effort to minimize the possibility of things going wrong. It is a massive relief to know that I no longer have to be on high alert for making a quick escape.

"After telling me what you have," she says to me, speaking in the kindly manner she possesses that I have grown conscious of, "it would just be far too odd to go any further and agree to your original plan. I don't think ill of you at all, so please don't think so. Your owner kind of sounds like he needs to get a lot of things together. I mean, I guess so do I, but in an entirely different context."

I nod understandingly. Her honesty is noteworthy and it makes me feel validated in the fact that I chose her from the online dating site instead of any other. My instincts really must be not too bad after all.

"I'm sorry, Hiram, I won't be meeting this guy. I... I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. I mean, it's not cause I've never tried meeting someone from online before and now I'm getting cold feet or something. So what if I haven't before? It's not that, it's just...maybe dating that way just was never right for me in the first place, you know?"

I pick up on her quickened speech, her nervousness giving her away. Oh how I wish I could emote something to make her feel more at ease.

"I appreciate you being so forthright with me," she tells me. "You've really surprised me. But I'm sure you can see how I have to decline what you've put forward."

"I understand."

"It borders a little bit on the uniquely bizarre."

"I understand how it would. I do not take any offense to your standpoint."

"Good. Thank you."

She twirls her fork, playing with her food some more.

"I am sorry that you did not have any fortune with your online dating," I force myself to tell this nice girl what I wish to tell her. "I understand what the prospects are like. Every human being deserves someone to love them for who they are. I am sincerely sorry for giving you false hope. Please accept my sincerest apologies."

A half-smile plays across her features as she bashfully looks at her food she keeps moving around on her plate.

"It's okay," she says. "It wasn't in the cards for me anyway. In today's day and age I've learned to not expect much."

"Hopefully you can remain optimistic about your dating prospects."

She gives a little laugh at that. "I don't think I wish to continue with that right now." She goes back to being serious. "It just leaves me feeling more depressed than before. Having that hard of a time finding anyone even half-decent is more than enough to send you over the edge, believe me."

I feel bad for her now. In my time living with Milo, I have watched from my observant point-of-view how society appears to be stomping the life, so to speak, out of hopeful, intelligently thoughtful people like Ava. They are becoming so increasingly rare. Fated to just disappear into the furthest recesses of life to deal with their own loneliness and unhappiness, to mourn the loss of human connection. I never suspected it could get this bad.

"I think this culture is full of broken and hurting people," I add my observation.

"Yeah. Yeah, it is."

"But Ava, you are a wonderful and lovely girl. I have been told that I am very astute in my observations and I can wholeheartedly say that you are a kind and gentle human being who any human, male or otherwise, would be privileged to know and befriend. You have treated me with such respect and understanding here tonight that I am confident in my assessment in that you are a very deserving person of a kind of love to be given to you that is beyond the scope of any human capability. You are humble and warm, and one day you will be rewarded for your graciousness. I thank you for your kindness towards me, I am greatly indebted to you for that."

At first I am a tad slow to interpret her reaction, but her choked laugh and embarrassed smile are the result of an emotion bubbling over. She quickly wipes under her lashes as a few small tears have begun to form and her eyes have reddened.

I understand now that it is a reaction to the words I have said to her. Not a negative reaction but a favorable one.

She sniffles a bit as she clears away anymore moisture from her eyes and cheeks, self-conscious of her visual show of being emotionally affected.

"Sorry," she tries to laugh it off.

"You don't have to be embarrassed. It's okay."

She tries to compose herself once again as she were before the brief visibility of emotion played across.

"As strange of a turn as this evening has taken, Hiram, I'm glad I met you. I don't know how, but I feel like you've given me something. The equivalent of a nice gesture, you know what I mean? Like a much needed self-esteem boost, if anything. I guess that counts for something."

I look at her, not saying anything, even though I know it is impossible for her to read me.

"You know what, Hiram? You're all right."

She raises her wine glass to me again and I do the same in return but with an imaginary glass in my curled fist. She laughs. She pretends to clink my non-existent wine glass with hers, making the sound-effect with a click of her tongue.

"Stay golden," she says with a wink.

I look down at my front, as if to assure myself that, yes, I am indeed off-white like I had thought, and not a shade of gold, and that Ava must not know what she is talking about. This makes her laugh again.

"Just a saying," she tells him to make sure I understand. "Means don't be anyone other than yourself. That kinda thing."

I nod, grasping what she meant, though whether I actually quite do or not is up in the air.

"Your kindness is greatly appreciated," I say.

A text buzzes the cellphone that Natalie gave me that is magnetically clipped to my side, mostly out of view. It's vibration only makes the faintest of sound, entirely masked by the hubbub of the dining establishment.

As Ava sips from her wine, I quickly unattach it, take a brief glance, and quickly replace it as to not be rude by looking at one's cellphone in mid dinner conversation.

"You've been in there a while! Everything going good, I hope????"

It is from Natalie obviously.

I think about texting her back but do not wish to be impolite.