SAD ROBOT: an autobiography of my unfortunate existence

2. COMPANION-OIDS

2. COMPANION-OIDS 

Iʼm not sure what led him to the point where he made the decision to go to the electronics store that deals in new and used Companion-oids. Heʼs never spoken to me about it, but I believe that the weight of the world was just too much on him to bear alone that he needed somebody, anybody to help him get through that rough patch in his life.

That is what we are for. To be a companion, a friend, a confidante. Someone to talk to, to be listened to, be encouraged by, sympathized with, cheered up by. Need a friend? Just go buy one. Itʼs that easy. A lot easier than making friends with humans. If I were human, I wouldnʼt even bother. It never proves to be worth it in the end anyway. Robots make much better friends, but then again, Iʼm a little biased.

I figure it would be surprising for most people to know just how many humans have chosen to welcome a friendly robot like myself into their homes. We havenʼt been on the market very long, two years maybe, but revenue statistics of the electronic engineering company that holds the patent to those like me, shows more and more humans purchasing Companion-oids than any other type of artificial intelligence.

Most people choose not to parade their human-like companions and, rather, choose to keep them private in the boundaries of their homes/apartments/etc. That neighbour of yours you pass once in a while? He might own one. Live in an apartment complex? Chances are, thereʼs most likely a robot in the very same building as you. My point is, we are increasingly more common, we just arenʼt always visible.

Milo likes to take me outside every once in a while. Sadly, I have yet to see one single cat, no matter how hard I wish for one to appear. I donʼt know why Milo brings me out; itʼs not like I need sunlight or fresh oxygen. He says itʼs probably nice to get out every so often. I tell him itʼs not exactly relevant to my well-being and I am perfectly content inside his apartment.

Plus, there arenʼt other people in his living quarters. Sometimes when he suggests we go for a ʻstroll,ʼ as he calls it, I say, "I donʼt want to go outside. There are people there."

The first time we had this disagreement, he tried to tell me, "But you were MADE to interact with people!"

"Not all people," I had corrected him. "Only my Owner and all other individuals inside his or her household. Which, according to my latest calculations, is still just you."

We didnʼt have that quarrel again for a while. Milo goes outside a lot less now these days. As do I, but for differing reasons.

*** 

When tonightʼs dish is in the oven, I see that I still have some time before Milo gets home. There isnʼt anything else around the house for me to do, so I go into the living room and sit on the sofa. I turn on the television and select The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for the eighty-seventh time. My sense of humor module enables me to understand humor and irony at a level above other robots. It is a modification that Milo selected for me. He asked that they give me an ability to cheer him up whenever he needed to be cheered up, so the sales agent at the store he purchased me from helped him select a plus-five sense of humor upgrade. It also helps that I ingest a lot of humor from popular culture.

Marvin the Paranoid Android is like a role model to me. He does his job no matter what and no matter how much he hates everything. He is a reliable companion, trustworthy and dependable. What an inspiration.