SAD ROBOT: an autobiography of my unfortunate existence

19. EMPTINESS

19. EMPTINESS 

Milo can remember getting to work one morning and noticing a new girl over in the womenʼs clothing department, not too far from the book aisle. She is young, at least a couple years younger than him—looks right out of school. She had just undergone new employee training and was only just beginning working her section on her own.

She is cute. Milo thinks about saying hi, but who was he kidding? So instead, he just says nothing.

Work goes by, each day blending into the next. On either his way in or out, he always peeks his head to see if he can steal a glance at the new girl, but she is always busy or absent. Their sections are on opposite ends of the large store, so this makes things rather difficult. Her womenʼs clothing area is near the front doors, his electronics over towards the back.

Several weeks after she started, he gazes towards the womenʼs clothing, hoping not to look obvious when he sees her. She looks miserable, like she is suffering. His heart goes out to her.

Then, she looks up and catches him looking at her. Milo looks at his feet and keeps shuffling past.

After lunch, he miraculously passes her in the hall. The new girl. Incredibly more cute up close, like a starlet stepped off of the silver screen. He tries to see what her name tag reads but she has already taken it off. She doesnʼt look at him the entire time.Milo starts to subtly ask around about the girl from womenʼs clothing amongst the other guys. Preferably just the married guys so that none of the other single men might get an ounce of courage when they find out someone else has his eye on her. The last thing he needs is for someone else to beat him to the punch.

Milo passes her in the hall again, and again, she doesnʼt look at him. No real surprise there. Cute girls donʼt look in his general direction. He is not the handsome type, nor the tall type, certainly not a combination of both types. But hey, he is a nice guy, at least.

Surely that counts for something. 

Milo thinks that is actually the reason for her not looking. The niceness. Women glaze over the nice guys as if they are not actually visible. What good is a nice guy? Certainly not good for women, nor good for anyone else, really. Who wants someone whose main characteristic is nice? How utterly bland.

But Milo thinks this case is different. The way she avoids his gaze by gazing elsewhere does not feel the same. Something is different in the way she does not look in his general direction. He thinks she is consciously doing it. Like she is shy or would really like to talk to him, but doesnʼt know how. Maybe she is just like him—lacking in communication skills. Maybe thatʼs it. Yes, thatʼs what it is, Milo tells himself.

He wonders if she knew he looked at her sometimes. Surely she must. He doesnʼt try to not look at her the way that she tries so hard to not look at him. Sometimes, he

manages to look at her. Sometimes not, but those instances are becoming less and less, he realizes. This is true progress. Perhaps that means he is slightly more brave, a trait that perhaps the cute girl wishes she possessed so that she could return a look from nice guys and not be overcome by bashfulness.

Miloʼs explanation for the way she tries to not look at him could be for the same reasons as why he used to suddenly look away when she glanced in his direction. It is the same thing, he thought.

He is sure of it. There is something in the way that she is not looking at him. For the first time in a very long while, Milo has hope. 

Days later, he finds out that she no longer works there. She had quit suddenly. Left the store. Departed with no notice. 

Milo is devastated. 

Still, no one had ever learned her name. Not a single guy had mustered the courage to speak to the cute girl in womenʼs clothing. And now, Milo would never know it. He would never get to say hello, introduce himself, learn her name, maybe make a joke about where they worked. Hear her laugh. 

When he gets home from work after learning sheʼd quit, his apartment felt empty. It was always empty, but today, it felt more so. More empty. The emptiness was now empty.