SAD ROBOT: an autobiography of my unfortunate existence

3. ROBOT BLOG

3. ROBOT BLOG 

11:57pm June 6, 2036 

Sad_Robot23 writes:

Oh, hey! I didnʼt see you there! Alright, that was a terrible opening line, especially for a blog. I apologize profusely.

Yes, yes, I know, itʼs one of the oldest lines in the book. How cliché. Once again, I apologize. Do you think I could have a redo? No, you say? I assure you that line isnʼt my best work. Iʼll put in a little more effort, I promise. Still no? Fine. Alright. I guess Iʼll have to live with that. Not the best opening line anybodyʼs ever written, but hey, itʼs not about the opening sentence, itʼs about what comes after—the story! Right? Well, hold on to your hat, 'cause this oneʼs quite a doozy.

On second thought, maybe I shouldnʼt raise such high expectations; I might prove to be quite the letdown. Actually, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that I am only setting you up for massive disappointment. I am sure that you, the reader of this magnificent internet blog, would much rather be prepared for mediocrity and gracefully accept it, rather than prepare to be astounded by brilliance and be dreadfully dissatisfied. Heaven forbid you get so frustrated with the authorʼs inability to provide payoff that you chuck your computer to the curb in anger, in which it bounces into the gutter, soaking up the leftover rainwater with its fried hardware and causing every single painstaking word that Iʼve poured my heart and soul into writing to become nothing but a pile of street trash. Oh, the electronic humanity! That precious computer! It shanʼt deserve such a fate!

So letʼs go ahead and say that this blog of mine, in which I horribly flubbed the opening line and then proceeded to arrogantly spout off lofty assumptions, is entirely average. But not too average to the point where you get bored near the beginning and think "ah, I think Iʼve read blogs like this before..." then in which you exit the page, deleting your browser history, never to go to that god-forsaken webpage again and leave it sitting on the dust-collecting shelf of the endless aisles of the internet in favor of some other authorʼs blog about summer romances and angst-filled whining about how life is so hard. Please! I forbid you even think of doing such a thing. Iʼm just a lonely writer who desperately craves some attention. Only a little bit. Any amount will do, I promise. Like that cat that continues to walk in circles around your feet, brushing against your leg, hoping for just a few strokes on his back or, at the very least, a pat on the head. All you have to do is just give him a few seconds of attention and then heʼll surely go away and leave you alone.

Something makes me fear Iʼve dawdled way too long here and have strayed drastically far from the setup that I was originally trying to begin with. You know, the old saying about Writing 101 in which the first paragraph must HOOK the reader and make sure that they want to continue reading. I fear Iʼve failed miserably at that. If youʼre still reading this far down the page then God-bless-you! I much appreciate the second chance at winning you over. All I want is to be able to tell my story. My average, but not too average, story that is everything my neurotic haze of a life has added up to.

Blarmy! I havenʼt even told you my name yet! I apologize for my lack of manners. This doesnʼt happen regularly, I assure you. My name is Hiram. Pleased to meet you.

By gosh, Iʼve dilly-dallied far too long and have completely misplaced my memory of what it was that I was originally going to write about in this here blog post in the first place. That happens once in a while. Think of it as like opening too many tabs in your internet browser then getting distracted by something new, and then something newer, and something even newer yet again, to the point where youʼve now opened up two- hundred-and-eighty-seven tabs and the thing you first wanted to look at has become lost far, far back to the point where having to flip through them all to get back to the one you want is neither worth your time nor effort.

Next time, I figure to have my head on straighter.

Sorry, Hiram

*end post*