To Be Loved

Chapter Forty-Two

Hindi ko maramdaman ang kahit anong parte ng katawan ko. It is as if I just gazed into Medusa's head and I was turned into stone.

My lips were parted, that I could tell. I openly stared at him, not denying myself the chance to renew the images of him that I've engraved in my head.

Halos tatlong taon na simula nang huli ko siyang makita.  I remember every sordid detail of my last memories of him clearly. I remember that early December night when he broke up with me. I remember how I begged him to stay. How I begged him not to destroy me with his words.

Naalala ko kung paano niya ipinamukha sa akin na mali kaming dalawa. Naalala ko pa kung paano niya nagawang iwan ako nang hindi man lang lumilingon sa akin.

I can still hear my own wretched cries in my head. It was a horrible memory. A memory that I pray so hard to forget every waking day but still comes and haunts me at night.

I'll never forget their championship game. That was the day the whole world was rejoicing while I silently drowned in my own tears. 

I was so stupid for wanting to talk to Xavi even after he ruthlessly broke up with me and even after seeing him with Gaia that day. Kung pinuntahan ako ni Xavi nung araw na 'yon ay alam kong magmamakaawa lang ako sa kanya na mahalin niya na lang ako ulit. 

That's my last memory of him. When I left the Philippines for Wales, I deleted all my social media applications. I never deactivated my accounts but I stopped using it. I needed to do it or else I'd be stalking him endlessly like a fool.

Three years later and now he's standing right in front of me. I've imagined this scene over and over in my head. I imagined how I'd scan every inch of his face and see the changes that the time brought. I thought of him, a taller and more muscular Xavi sporting a haircut I've never seen on him before.

But no.

He didn't change at all. His eyebrows looked the same. His eyes were still just as expressive. His nose was still the same. His lips. His nearly perfect jawline. The y-shape fissure on his chin. Just like how I remember it three years ago.

His hair was still the same golden brown mussed hair. His body figured still looked the same in the black casual suit he's wearing. His height barely changed. 

Nothing's changed. He's still the same Xavi. He's still the same guy that I fell in love with.

Natapos ang pamamanhid na nararamdaman ko nang maramdaman ang mahapding kirot sa loob ng aking dibdib. It's like my dormant heart knew its owner was nearby and decided to wake up.

Hindi ko magawang huminga. Natatakot ako na baka sa simpleng paggalaw ay maging hudyat 'yon para sa luha ko na tumulo. My tears betrayed me too many times and fell on its own. 

Ayaw kong umiyak sa harap niya. Ayaw ko. Magmumukha lang akong mahina. The last time I cried in front of him, he didn't care and it only wrecked me more. I don't want a rerun of that scene.

Xavi's jaw languidly clenched. I don't know if it's just my brain playing tricks on me but his eyes were glassy. He looked both angry and crestfallen.

He looked at me as if he wanted to tell me a lot of things. His stares were sending me messages that I couldn't decipher, or maybe I could but I'm too scared to misread it.

Xavi's eyes darkened and his entire face turned grim. Wala siyang imik na lumakad palapit sa akin. Malaki ang ginawa niyang hakbang kaya mabilis niyang naputol ang maliit na distansya naming dalawa.

Wala na akong pagkakataon na humkbang paatras at tumakas. He harshly gripped on my arm and pulled me close to him. I helplessly tumbled against his body.