To Be Loved

Chapter Sixteen

"Yuan..." I started. I closed my eyes. My guilty was seeping through my skin. I couldn't. "I'm sorry, but I can't."

How can I say the words without i inflicting too much damage? There's no other way but to just say it, because either way, he'll still hurt.

Umuwang ang mga labi ni Yuan. Unti-unti siyang namutla. "W-What, Lavie?"

"I can't be... your girlfriend. I'm so sorry," my voice broke at the words. 

My eyes blurred with pent up tears, but I don't wanna cry in front of him. I don't deserve to cry. Ako 'yong nanakit dito. Wala akong karapatan masaktan.

"But w-why? Did I do something wrong? Did you hate the amusement park? May ginawa ba akong hindi mo nagustuhan? Ngayon? Nitong mga nakaraang araw? Tell me, Lavie," tuloy-tuloy nitong tanong. 

Ang tanging nagawa ko lang ay umiling sa kanya. Hindi ko siya kayang titigan nang hindi nilalamon ng guilt. He'd be staring at me with pain in his eyes and I can't stomach the fact that I did it. 

Kung una pa lang ay hindi ko na siya ginamit. Kung una pa lang ay hindi ko na sinubukan na ibaling ang atensyon sa kanya, baka sakaling magustuhan ko rin siya... This wouldn't have happened.

Or maybe I shouldn't have thought of ending this thing between us and just accepted his proposal, then he wouldn't hurt. But I can only pretend for so little things. I'm a already inning for loving my cousin. I don't wanna pile up my sin through lies, deception, and false pretense with Yuan. He doesn't deserve it. 

I wish I could be like my mother. I wish I could divert my attention and genuinely end up loving someone. Kahit na hindi nahulog si Mommy kay Tito Logan at hindi kagaya ng pagmamahal niya kay Daddy ang pagmamahal niya rito ay nagawa niya pa rin itong mahalin. She cared enough to actually admit that she loved him.

I tried so hard. I thought it'd be easy because Yuan is everything that a girl could ever wish for. I liked him as a person... but it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to cover the guilt, to fully divert my attention from Xavi.

And I just didn't have the conscience to pretend longer and fool myself that I can actually love him. I tried and I failed. I just can't. I can't imagine myself loving someone else. Not in this lifetime and even the next.

"I don't understand... Why?" he asked, pain laced in his hushed voice.

"I'm... just not ready." 

"I will wait-"

"No, Yuan..." I shook my head. The tear fell, for him and for me. "I don't think I will ever be ready. I'm sorry."

Nag-umpisa na rin kuminang ang mga mata ni Yuan. Kumuyom ang panga niya. Tanda na nagpipigil siya sa pagbagsak ng mga luha. 

Silence followed, wrapping around us like a blanket. I can hardly hear the noise coming from the park. All I know is that I just broke the heart of the man in front of me.

Kung hindi dahil sa staff na nagbukas ng gate ng gondola na sinasakyan namin ay hindi ko pa mapapansin na nakababa na pala kami. Nagpasalamat siya sa aming dalawa. A rehearsed line, but I couldn't mutter my thanks.

Naunang bumaba si Yuan. Sumunod lang ako. Nagpatuloy siya sa paglakad hanggang sa huminto siya at humarap sa akin. Suminghap siya.

"I can't act like the sight of you and your presence doesn't hurt me right now, Lavie," Yuan admitted. Nagpipigil ang boses niya. 

Damn it. I wish he got angry. I wish he yelled at me for making him hope. I wish he got mad at me and accused me of playing with him. I wish he wasn't this nice, then this wouldn't be this hard. This wouldn't be too painful.