To Be Loved

Chapter Twelve

Xavi is cold to me again and I think I know the reason. He always hated it whenever I choose someone over him. We made a pact to be each other's priority, no matter what. Kaya ngayon ay galit siya dahil pinili ko ang lakad namin ni Yuan kaysa sumabay sa kanya pauwi.

I thought it was for the best. The next day, I let the whole day pass, with him giving me the silent treatment and cold shoulder. I didn't wave the white flag and didn't succumb to him. And that same whole day, I felt immensely hollow. My chest felt numb and empty, at the same time it ached. There were no perfect words to explain what I was feeling. I just know that I hated it. 

Having him mad at me is not a good idea. It only made me think of him even more often than usual. I hated it. I also hate the idea of him ignoring me. Just the mere thought of it hurts.

Today's Xavi's scrimmage. He didn't invite me to come. Ang huling imbita niya sa akin ay bago siya naging malamig sa akin. I don't know if the invitation is still valid.

Wala akong pasok ngayong araw pero maaga ako nagising. Masyadong maaga sa karaniwang oras ng gising ko tuwing walang pasok. I even took a shower and dressed up. At the back of my mind... I knew I wanted to come and watch his game. 

It was already past six and there's still no message from him. I was sitting on my bed, staring at the phone in my hand. My eyes were starting to blur a bit. I bit my lip.

Halos malaglag ang puso ko sa gulat nang biglang tumunog ang phone ko. His name blinked on my screen as it continuously rang. I was dazed for a few seconds. I took a few breaths before answering the call.

"Hello?" my voice was tiny. 

"I'm picking you up," he gruffly said. 

The hole inside my chest began to fill. I didn't know what to say without sounding too eager.

"Hindi pa ako kumakain ng breakfast," I finally said.

"We'll get you some from a drive-thru," sagot niya.

"Okay. Just text when you're outside." 

I released a deep breath. My heart was pounding hard and heavily. I placed my hand over it, willing it to calm down. It's getting harder and harder to reel it all in. I can't... tame it anymore. 

Xavi was quiet. I didn't say a word, too. I couldn't. I can't even pretend to be normal around him. Not when my heart feels like it's about to explode. I knew coming with him was a bad and stupid idea.

Iniwan ako mag-isa ni Xavi sa bleacher malapit sa magiging bench nila para makapagpalit siya ng kanyang jersey. Nang bumalik siya ay sumali naman siya sa pagwarm up ng ibang lalaki sa court. 

Aside from the aspiring players, there were a number of audiences in the bleachers. Karamihan ay mga naka-uniform. I think only a few are outsiders.  

After their warm up, the game commenced. I watched quietly, my eyes automatically following Xavi's every move. Kahit na pinipilit ko ilipat sa iba ang mga mata ko, sa kanya at sa kanya pa rin bumabalik.

Having him around, considering how fragile I was feeling, is dangerous. I was treading in a thin line. One wrong step and I'd easily slip and fall. The damage will be irreparable. 

Every free chance he gets, I'll catch him glance at me. The purpose of it... I am not sure. Maybe to make sure that I haven't leave. Every time our eyes will meet, I feel guilt. Until I couldn't watch the game anymore, much less look at him.

I can't do this alone any longer. I thought I could... but I need help. It wasn't the best idea, in fact, I feel like I'm already the worst person for merely thinking of it... but it's the only way that I think would work.