To Be Loved

Chapter Seventeen

I cried myself to sleep that night.

A permanent ache rooted itself in my heart. Hindi ko akalain na nagawa kong sabihin kay Xavi ang mga masasakit na salitang iyon. The alcohol helped, for sure, but it didn't help in stopping the pain.

I didn't want to hurt him but it needed to be done. Kung pwede lang sana na ako lang yung nasasaktan. Kahit ako na lang, 'wag na siya... but that's impossible. If I wanted to save him, save us both from sinning, then hurting him will be worth it.

In the future, once his feelings for me fade and he finds the right girl for him, he'll thank me for this.

Sana ako rin. Sana sa hinaharap, magagawa ko rin magmahal ng iba.  Sana ay magagawa kong tawanan ang nararamdaman at magpasalamat dahil tama ang naging desisyon ko para sa aming dalawa.

After that night, Xavi stopped from showing. He stopped his attempts of talking to me. Hindi na siya naghihintay sa labas ng classroom. Hindi na siya nagpapadala ng tawag at texts. Hindi ko na siya nakikita.

There's a big hole in my chest and I know only Xavi can fill it, but it's better this way. We both needed the space away from each other to forget and heal. We need to get used to spending our time with other people. And I need to accept the fact that the hole will forever be in my heart.

Days passed and I still feel incomplete. I couldn't function properly. I feel off and down and I wasn't hiding it well. Ilang beses napuna ng pamilya ko at ni Alana ang magiging matamlay ko. I always end up spacing out.

My groupmates and orgmates are starting to get annoyed at me, too. Inis sila dahil sa lumilipad ang isip ko. Ilang beses na ako nagkamali sa task na in-assign sa akin, kulang-kulang dahil hindi ko mapigilan ang pag zone out tuwing meetings.

One time, a question was thrown in my way by our professor during group presentation. I didn't know what to say. Kahit anong piga sa utak ko ay walang lumabas mula sa akin. It was another member's part, but we're supposed to know every detail in our topic.

The professor scolded me in front of the class. Some of my groupmates were scowling at me for it. Natapos ang klase nang ganoon.

The professor was pissed when she left, nagsi-alisan na ang mga students. Kami ang natira para alisin ang naka-set up na laptop sa projector.

"Bakit hindi mo nasagot yung tanong, Lavie? Ini-discuss ko 'yun nung meeting natin kanina, diba?" Lydia asked. She swept her bangs to the side. Irritation was etched on her face.

"I'm sorry. Hindi ko narinig," I apologetically said.

"As a group pa naman ang grade nito. Sayang. 'Yun lang mali natin," sabi ng isa, si Jolene.

They were subtly blaming me. Hindi naman ako makakaangal dahil alam ko naman mali ako. Alana scoffed, making me look at her. She looked offended for my sake.

"Excuse me? If you two have a problem with Lavie, sabihin niyo ng deretso. Hindi yung pa-subtle pa kayo," Alana snootily exclaimed. "At pwede ba? I-tama niyo muna ang grammar niyo sa powerpoint bago kayo magmagaling."

Alana grimaced and dramatically flipped her hair. Tumalikod na siya pero tumigil at muling humarap.

"BTW, consider this the death of your social lives. You guys are cancelled." Alana was smirking as she waved her hand in front of their faces. Umiling siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko para hilahin palayo sa kanila.

Kinuha lang namin ang gamit sa aming upuan at matapos ay umalis din mula sa room na iyon. Binitiwan lang ni Alana ang kamay ko nang tuluyan na kaming makalayo.