To Be Loved

Chapter Forty-Four

It will be so easy to take him back. I love him and I don't think I will ever stop loving him. He will always be a part of me and he will always own a huge part of my heart.

Nakakatukso na tanggapin siya ulit. Nakakaakit na manatili na lang sa init ng yakap niya na lubos na nakakapanghina.

But taking him back will put the past three years into waste. Iyong tatlong taon na binuo ko ulit ang sarili ko kasama ang anak ko. The three years helpede learn and accept that some things are just not meant to be.

For the past three years, I've come to an understanding that you don't need someone else to make you whole. Your happiness shouldn't depend on someone. You should make your own.

It took me some time and a heartbreak to realize how wrong we are. Kahit na mahal ko pa, mas nanaig pa rin kung gaano kamali. And if I really did grow, I will stand firm with my decision because that's how love should be.

Love should be selfless. Love isn't just about being happy together. When you truly love someone, you should put them first. Kapag nagmahal ka nang totoo, iisipin mo kung ano ang makakabuti sa kanila.

Taking back Xavi will just bring us back to zero. His sacrifice from three years ago will be useless. Ganoon pa rin. Mahal namin ang isa't isa pero bawal pa rin kami sa mata ng ibang mga tao. Masasaktan ang pamilya namin sa oras na malaman nila ang totoo.

It's not just the two of us now. We have Dionne. I don't want my daughter to suffer because of our mistakes. Sapat na yung kaming dalawa lang ni Xavi ang nasaktan. Sapat na yung sakit na naranasan namin dati. There's a reason why we didn't work out before and this is why.

I slowly lifted my hands and placed it between us. Hawak ang kanyang dibdib ay itinulak ko siya palayo. He didn't expect that I'd break free from his hug, that's why it was easy for me to let go.

Kunot ang noo ni Xavi nang tingnan ako. He looked confused as he stared at me. Siguro ay nagtataka kung bakit ako humiwalay sa pagkakayakap.

"Xavi," I began.

The confusion on Xavi's face remained for a few seconds but shifted when he realized what I was about to do. His eyes slightly widened with fright.

"Lavie, no..." Umiling-iling siya at inabot ang kamay ko pero pilit kong iniiwas ito mula sa kanya.

"You're right, Xavi. We can't be together and that will never change."

"Lavie, no," his voice cracked. Paulit-ulit niyang hinuhuli ang kamay ko at paulit-ulit ko naman itong hinahawi palayo mula sa kanya.

Nakita ko kung paano bumagsak ang panibagong luha sa mga mata niya. Kinurot ang puso ko habang tinitingnan ang pinakamamahal ko na umiiyak ngayon at ako ang dahilan.

"I'm sorry, X," I whispered. My own voice betrayed me when it broke.

I'm sorry, baby. Hanggang dito na lang talaga tayo. I'm sorry. If only I could make you forget about me and our star-crossed love. Gagawin ko.

Umiling si Xavi. Lumakas ang hikbi niya. "Lavie, 'wag ganito. Please... Don't give up like this, baby. I'll fight for us with all of me. Kaya please... 'wag kang sumuko agad."

"Xavi..." I'm out of words. Ano pa ba ang pwede kong sabihin?

"If you're scared, don't be. I'm here. Kung natatakot ka na masaktan sila, they'll eventually accept us. I'll make them understand... Please, Lavie. I can't. I can't lose you again," Xavi cried.

He firmly cupped my face and placed his forehead on mine. His cries got louder with him upclose. His warm breath fanned my lips. My eyes were already closed because I can't bare to see him break like this. Wala akong tiwala sa sarili ko.