To Be Loved

Chapter Thirty-Four

"If I asked you that... would you run away with me?"

My mind froze. My brain refused to digest what I just heard from Xavi. I opened my mouth but words failed to fall out of my lips. I inhaled sharply.

"Xavi..." I carefully whispered. I bit my lip. I couldn't breathe. "I don't want to leave our family..."

He sucked in a breath, like he was punched in the gut. He closed his eyes. I didn't miss the pain that fell over his face.

I shook my head. My eyes were filling up with heated tears. "I don't wanna choose between you and our family. I don't..."

Xavi gulped hard. He looked extremely pained as he nodded his head. His action was limited, like further movements will only cause him maximum pain.

"I understand," he hoarsely said, his voice breaking with affliction.

Sumikip ang dibdib ko habang nakikita ang sakit na gumuhit sa mukha niya. I don't like seeing him in pain. Ramdam ko ang sakit kapag nasasaktan siya. I'd do anything to stop him from his misery.

Bumaba ang mga mata ko sa mga labi niya. I wish I could kiss him right now. I wish I can take the pain away. But we can't. It'd be wrong to kiss him in front of all these people. It's wrong to kiss him. Period.

Kinagat ko ang labi. Unti-unting nanlalabo ang mga mata ko. Sa tuwing maiisip ko ang sitwasyon naming dalawa, hindi ko mapigilan ang maluha.

Bakit ganito? Bakit sa akin siya pa nahulog? Bakit siya pa ang minahal ko? Bakit kami mag pinsan? Pwede ba manghingi ng twist? Pwede bang hindi na lang kami magkaano-ano? Pwede bang maging pwede kaming dalawa?

"I'm sorry," I croaked. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa tubig. Inabot ko ang bato sa gilid niya dahil nagsisimula nang mangalay ang mga binti ko sa ginagawang pagpapalutang.

Naramdaman ko ang pagbagsak ng mainit na luha ko sa basa kong mukha.

"It's okay, baby," he said, chuckling. Pinilit niyang magmukhang wala lang 'yon sa kanya. It didn't ease my emotions. It only pressed down the invisible knife in my chest.

Lalo kong kinagat ang labi. Nagpatuloy lang ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko.

Xavi inhaled sharply. "Why are you crying?"

Umiling ako at agad na pinunasan ang mukha para alisin ang bakas ng luha roon. Bahagyang nagtagis ang panga niya.

"Don't cry, Lavie. Not when I can't wipe your tears away for you."

Umangat ang mga mata ko sa kanya. His eyes were a reflection of what I'm feeling. "I'm sorry, Xavi."

I'm sorry, Xavi. I'm sorry I'm selfish. I'm sorry I can't let you go. I'm sorry if I can't fathom the idea of you with anyone else. I'm sorry for hurting you.

"I understand, baby." he softly said. "Just stop crying please."

"I love you," I whispered, afraid that someone will hear.

Ngumiti si Xavi. Kita ko pa rin ang lungkot sa mga mata niya. He softly chuckled. "I know."

I'm so scared. I'm scared of how selfish I've become. I'm scared of how greedy I am when it comes him. I'm scared of seeing him with somebody else and I'm even more scared of the things that I would do just to keep it from happening.

Natatakot ako dahil kahit na alam ko ang kung ano ang mali ay hindi ko pa rin magawa ang tama. Natatakot ako sa posible kong isagot sa oras na tanungin niya ulit ako.

I don't want to leave our family, but for him I can. I don't wanna choose between him and our family because I'm scared that I'll end up choosing him. Takot na takot ako.