To Be Loved

Chapter Forty-Three

I woke up to loud knocks coming from the hotel door. I searched for my phone to check the time. Singkit pa ang mga mata ko habang tiningnan ang screen. It's almost twelve in the midnight.

Hinawi ko ang covers at nagmamadaling tumayo dahil walang tigil ang pagkatok na ginagawa ng nasa labas. Upon reaching the door, my heartbeat doubled when Xavi crossed my mind. It's him. I'm positive that it's him.

Nagdadalawang isip akong buksan ang pinto dahil hindi ko alam kung paano siya haharapin. The knocks got louder, making me jump in surprise. Hindi malabong may magreklamo sa ingay na ginagawa ni Xavi.

Huminga ako nang malalim at mabilis na nagdasal isipan bago binuksan ang pinto. Nakaangat lang sa hangin ang kamao niyang pinangkakatok kanina. Sunod na lumipat ang mga mata ko sa mukha niya.

His eyes were glassy. He looked hurt and a little angry, like I've betrayed him somehow. I know exactly what he's feeling. Ganon na ganon ang naramdaman ko nang hindi niya ako pinuntahan nung gabing 'yon.

"You stood me up." Disbelief was dripping from his voice.

Nagpakawala ako ng isang buntong hininga. "What do you want from me, Xavi?"

Kumuyom ang panga ni Xavi. Namula ang mga mata niya at parang maiiyak na. His face was grim. Nag-aagaw ang lungkot at frustration sa mukha niya.

"I just..." He closed his eyes tight. "want to talk to you."

Bakit parang hirap na hirap siya ngayon? Bakit nasasaktan siya? Bakit ganyan ang inaarte niya? He broke up with me because he said we were wrong. He ended us because he said he didn't love me anymore. Hindi ko siya maintindihan.

"Bakit? Ano pa ba dapat nating pag-usapan? Ano pa gusto mong sabihin ha?" Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. "Ano?"

He bit his lip, austerely staring at me with our daughter's eyes. "Kamusta ka?"

My lips parted in disbelief. Really? Iyon lang ang gusto niyang itanong?

"That's it? That's what you wanted to tell me?" Umiling ako at mapait na ngumiti. "I'm good. Okay na ba?"

"Are you... with that guy at the elevator?" maingat na tanong niya.

Kumunot ang noo ko at inisip ang tinutukoy niya. Si Garret. Nakita niya na ako roon pa lang? And what's his question again?

"I don't think that should concern you," I formally replied.

"Lavie," suminghap siya. His whole face softened. He looked wretched. "I'm sorry."

Hearing him apologize triggered something in me. It cracked my heart and unleashed the pain that I've been working on so hard to conceal. My sight became blurry and I knew I was going to cry.

"Why, Xavi?" I asked him.

Kumuyom ang panga niya at parang nagpipigil. His eyes were apologetic and doleful. I felt longing from his stares, too. Or maybe it's just my heart hoping on its own.

Ganoon naman talaga yata kapag nagmahal ka. Kahit na nasaktan ka nang sobra. Kahit na alam mo sa sarili mo na wala na talaga. Like it or not, the heart still hopes.

But a heart that hopes gets tired, too. Kapag masyado ka nang umasa. Kapag sobra-sobra na ang ibinigay mo. Mauubos at mauubos ka. Mauubos ka hanggang sa dumating na ang oras na wala ka nang maibibigay.

My heart ached as I stared at the man I love.

Some love are not meant to work out. Some love are just not enough. Siguro hanggang dito na lang talaga. Maybe this is the closure that we both need. Siguro pagkatapos nito, matatapos na rin ang nararamdaman ko. Sana pagkatapos nito, tapos na talaga ako.