THE FORGOTTEN SMILE

53.

The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away still madly in love with you.

***

I stopped my car in front of the entrance of the little parc close to our house.

Half an hour ago I got a text from Dylan to meet him here so I did.

Today is the day, I'll tell him the truth of what I think.

Not how I fell because I still completely love him, but what I think. What is right to do.

I step out of the car and breath out making a little cloud appear in front of my mouth. Oh got is was really cold.

Then I started to walk to the arch that Dylan and I sat a few times.

I saw him standing there with his head towards me.

Shit this is real, not some dream. Well more a nightmare.

'hello' I say when I stand behind him

'Maddie' he breathes out when he turns around

'I'm glad you're here' he smiles weak

'yeah' I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket

'so I wanted to tell you something' he starts

'me too' I say looking up

'oh, well you go first' he says

'okay, so I was think of us and then I came to the conclusion that we' I stopped ang sight.

Why was this so hard?

'what conclusion' Dylan asks

'I came to the conclusion that we should stop with whatever we're doing right now' I looked down

'what' Dylan said breathlessly

'I'm saying that we should break up' I look up to his hurt face

Now you see what you did there Maddie, you hurt him, again.

'why' he managed to say

'look, you kissed that girl and I know that you didn't mean to because you have a good heart. And I know that you would never hurt me if you where sober but you did. You did hurt me and that made me realize that' again I stopped and wiped away the tear that fell down my eye

'what that we're not good for each other' he says letting out a shivering breath

'that I don't deserve you' I say

'that's nonsense' Dylan scoffs

'no Dylan it's not. You're heart is way too good for me. You deserve someone that will be there for you and will take care of you' I tell him

'I don't need someone to take care of me' he defends himself

'everybody does' I sight 'and I'm not that someone. I can't take care of you. I first need to figure out myself before I can love someone else.'

'but I love you' he whispers

'and I love you too' I start to cry 'and that's why it's going to hurt to leave you but I need too. I may be your first love but I won't be your last'

'but I want you to be my last' he now is crying too

'please don't cry Dylan, you don't want me too. You're just saying because I was a good love for short term. We where never meant to be for long term. You have to go to collage and live your life. Kiss girls and have fun without thinking about me'

I say and now I was really crying and so was he.

Shit why does this hurt so much.

Then he pulled me in a hug

'no Dylan' I pushed him away

'pretty lady you are crying' he wines

'yes I am but you need to let me go' I push away his arms

'what if I don't want too' he whispers

'You need too, I don't deserve you. Dylan you need to let this go' I wipe away my tears and sight deep

'and I'm not saying that you will be removed from my life, because we live in the same house. But we'll be like Sadie and you are, it may take a while but we need lo learn how to act like brother and sister' I state

'is this what you really want' he whispers

'yes, this is what I want. This is what I need' I say looking into his eyes

'but we did so much for each other' he says again

'and I am still thankful for everything you did' I try to smile but I fail miserably

'so this is the end of us than' I say after a while of awkward silence

'please don't let it be' he wines again

'no' I say loud 'Dylan this needs to happen, we need to break up. We need to let each other go' I say and I fell the tears prickle behind my eyes again

'but' he starts again

'no buts, no more reasons why not, we need to let each other go' then I turn around and start walking

'so this is our break up' he asks agin

'yes' I say without turning around and I start to walk.

The walk to my car felt like forever. Every step hurt and made me think of Dylan and the fact that we're not together anymore.

FUCK

I stepped into my car and put on music.

'I got no excuses for all of these goodbyes

Call me when it's over cause I'm dying inside'

Fuck why a sad song

And then I broke. I started to sob so fucking hard. I hit the wheel and let out a loud scream that I didn't know I was holding.

'why Maddie, why did you fall for the guy' asked to myself

Yes Maddie why did you do it?

Why did you let yourself fall for a guy that you knew you weren't good enough for?

Because I was selfish, that's why.