Contemplating (Completed)

Chapter 49 - Agony

Mina's POV

I walk fastly outside the coffee shop. It's night already. I know Garosugil well enough, I know my way, I walk straight from Coffee-hop, I turn left to the Gangnam alley, pass my favorite Alley Burger on the left. I turn right on Lamen. I walk really fast, I don't care about my surrounding. I turn right again to Daesan-ro. The alley seems quieter for me. I enter the space between two building.

I let myself breathe and breath like crazy.

Feels like I forget the last time I breathe into this oxygen. 

My eyes are full of tears I know.

I walk back and forth like crazy.

Then I just give up. My legs feel numb.

I can only fall there. I don't care.

And I cry like crazy.

I just fall down there at the small street, I know there's no one nearby as well. I cry, I let ut out the pain that building inside my chest the past 2 hours. I hit my chest too many times because it hurts like crazy. Because it doesn't feel real to me. I feel that I would like to take off my chest because it does feel like I've been hit by a truck there. It's painful. I am in pain.

I met her for the first time in one a month again. Seeing her sight just made me weak. But I need to be strong in front of her. She needs to know that I can live without her, she has to know that I am okay. I needed to push her away, for her own good. I don't wanna be a bad gal, like her wife.

Nayeon already made an ultimatum in her life, she won't back down, she will take their daughter home and Chaeyoung would never see her again. I can't do this to her. As much as I love her so much, I don't want to separate her from her daughter. She's been looking for her daughter this past 5 years. And she's here now. I can't just make her choose between me and her daughter, it's impossible. I don't care if she has to live with Nayeon after, I don't care. All I care is she has to be with her daughter. She's the mother, and this child deserves to be loved.

I need to man up

I need to give up.

Oh yes, I love her, of course, I love her.

I love her like crazy.

No one able to make me feel this way. 

No one, not even Minatozaki Sana.

There's no one could make me feel like this accept Son Chaeyoung. Saying that harsh words to her were a really hard thing to do. But I need to push her away. As away as possible, so that she could come back to her family. A part of me wants to give her the forgiveness she asked because somehow seeing her in front of me makes me forget the way she hurting me right now. Plus, Nayeon's attitude towards her makes me wants to forgive her as well. Nayeon is a pure jerk. But then again, I need to think about that little girl. She needs all the attention from her parents.

I love her so so much it hurts, knowing that I have to sacrifice all of this in order to save her life. I never think my self could do something like this because I know that I am a selfish kind of person. 

God, why does it hurt like this?

I am doing something good, right?

That's what love does, right?

I really love her, and I need her to be happy, please God support my decision, please.

I will try to forget everything that happened between me and her. It was a good memory but, if only I could erase it so that I could live my life without feeling longing. Even though forgiving her will be the hardest thing to do, I will try it. So that I don't have to spend my life holding the grudge. At this age, I don't want to live like that.