Dear Ana,

Brightness at last

"All I needed was someone, I needed someone to show me how to live outside this everlasting darkness."
I started sobbing.
I am pathetic.
"Why doesn't anyone fucking care."
My sobs turned louder and I kneeled down on the bathroom floor.

Rose was stronger.. she could do it. I'm too scared.
I rested my head on my knees and held my legs close to my body.
My hipbones were stabbing me. My ribcage heaved in sorrow.
My eyes were blurry.
When I looked at myself I the mirror I could almost see myself as thin. Like one of those mirrors at the carnival.

I held the sharpened blade of my pocket knife against the bony skin of my wrist. With the little strength I had left I slid the knife and felt a sharp pain. I looked at it. I barely made a dent... I have no strength left.. I haven't eaten in so long.
Droplets of blood appeared on the surface of my skin.
Black spots appeared in my vision and my ears started throbbing and then I heard nothing.

I awoke in Logan's arms.
Shit. I fainted. Im suck a fucking idiot.

He looked worried and racked with sadness and guilt.
"Shit, Amy I'm so sorry. I only wanted to help you."

I wanted to say that he was a fool and that I was beyond help, but I knew he was more worried than I was right now.
"It's okay, I'm sorry for scaring you, I just fainted."

I knew it was going to be even harder going home now. They knew now, and the scars on my wrist will send them into a blind panic. I wanted to run, run far away from everyone. I want Rose to be here, I need her.
I need someone, but no one understands except them.

Days and weeks after it all, I had changed. I felt empty and dark. I couldn't talk, because no words could describe this darkness inside me. It was like my body was asleep and my soul was gone. Only my mind is the last one alive.

My parents made me see a neutral psychologist. He could not comprehend my situation, I told him dribs and drabs about Rose and me.

But this was my story, and Rose was an important part of me. When she left my story started. It was not only scary, but very lonely. Having this eating disorder made me feel like I was part of something bigger. Sadly I wasn't strong like other girls, and the disorder became me. I was nothing without it, nor was I someone who could overcome it. I felt especially lost now.

But for everyone comes a moment, to find another path. Path to recovery or discovery or peace.
My option was death. But death was merely an escape. How can you end your life when living is the only thing you know.
When you see this brightness, this chance to breath again, it is enlightening.

It's like you can finally see the stars in the daytime. Because the darkness is gone. Everything is clear.
Everyday I breath, I am thankful, I am sad, I am happy, I am everything, because I live.

I am alive.
"Thank you Rose."