Dear Ana,

Ad Utrumque Paratus

Everyday, I eat less and less.
My breakfast consists of two spoons of yogurt and some juice. I skip lunch.
It's hard at school when everyone's eating. I try not to stand out, seeing as I'm the only one who doesn't bring lunch and  not buying anything.
I sometimes eat an apple, or say that I already ate during class.

However, it's very vexing when my stomach growls during lessons.
Whenever I sit next to Evan, I always pull my hair in front of my face, so he can't actually see my face.
Hoping he won't dislike me for it...

We have been on 3 dates already, which makes matters worse. I really don't know if he likes me, it could be he isn't ready for a girlfriend.
I don't even know if I'm ready for a boyfriend.

My cheeks burned at the thought.
I like him.. That's an obvious fact.
Yumi poked my side, she grinned.
"Having a dirty daydream?"
"No." I couldn't help but smile.
"What then?" She pried.
"Just something."
She started guessing:
"Evan?"
I stayed quiet, but I could already see she knew that she was spot-on.
"Are you guys official?"
"No, I'm not sure that's really going to happen actually..."
"Why not? He seems really into you."

"That's peculiar, a boy actually liking Amy." I heard them snickering in the back of my head.

"I don't think he is.."
Amy looked at me like I was a pup abandoned near the road.
"Well he's a bloody idiot with no balls. If he can't even ask you out properly, he doesn't deserve you as his girlfriend."
Her fury had ended and I smiled warmly at Yumi.
She had become a real friend.
"Thanks Yumi."

After school I cycled past the grovelled pathway up to the grey-walled house Nervosa.
I felt the wood of the old porch crack and groan under my feet.
The door was open, as it always is.
I walked inside, it seemed so empty yet it felt like a home to me.
"Welcome back, dear." Ana smiled coldly, but to me it was a friendly smile. She stroked my arms and beckoned me to sit.
"Mia!" She called. "Amy's here."

Mia appeared in the doorway.
"Hey girl."
She sat on her place on the couch, Ana placed next to her.
They looked like delicate dolls, my dolls. Except they were the ones playing with me.

I came often after school, I began telling them about my weight loss, then things at home and school.
I also told them my doubts about Evan.
"It's strange. Maybe he doesn't like you that much?"
Ana's harsh comment stung me.
Of course he wouldn't. What was I thinking.
"Maybe he's just slow" Mia said.
Mia knew more about boys, she was popular with guys after all. She talked a lot about her boyfriends and her dates. She had had a lot of experience.
She often said she didn't like boys, she just liked kissing them, because it burnt calories and made her feel slutty.

I'm not like that, I couldn't do that to Evan. Or any guy.

"Maybe Evan wants to take it slow." Ana reassured me.
"You like him don't you?"
"I do." I confessed.
"Just watch out." Mia warned. "Boys take heartbreak very lightly, you'll be the one to suffer the most."

It got darker outside, Autumn season was drawing near.
I said goodbye and headed home.

I called out for mom and dad:
"I'm home."
It didn't surprise me that I received no reply, the house is usually empty when I come home.
This feels like less of a home....

My phone lit up from a message:
"Hey, I'm in front of your house. Can I talk to you ;)"
The message was from Evan. I stepped outside clutching my stomachs. It was a lot colder without a coat.

Evan was standing under the street lantern in front of my house. I walked up to him.
"Hey."
"Hey, sorry to bother you."  He smiled shyly.
"No problem. What's up?"
His cheeks seemed warm and rosy, he let out a breath and it disappeared into the cold air. The silence seemed to drag out for a while. Whatever he wanted to say, he couldn't find the words for it.
Bad thoughts seeped my mind.
Rejection. I'm annoying. He doesn't like me like I like him.

"I like you, Amy."
The world fell silent once more. The bad thoughts disappeared, however doubt still haunted me.
Does he really like me? Is that really possible?

I smiled thinly. It felt real enough to reply. In this moment, I don't care if his feelings are real or not.
I know mine are.
"I really like you, Evan."

I checked to see if my breath still lingered in the air, then I'm sure I actually said those words.
Evan's smile warmed my thoughts.
He made me smile with no effort.

We hugged.
I didn't think anything, my mind would ruin the moment.
We kissed.
His lips felt warm against mine. It was gentle and nerve-wrecking.
But real.

I lay in bed. My smile could not fade.
Maybe my wrecked mind could love after all.