Dear Ana,

Ubi amor, ibi dolor

My phone lit up with a text message from Evan.
I slid my iPhone to turn off.
No distractions right now.
I had to study for the upcoming tests.
"Liar"

"I'm not lying." I muttered.

"Hey sis." My shoulders jumped, slightly startled. I stared rather annoyed at my intrusive brother.
He's been hanging around the house ever since he came back from his trip.
Grasping every chance he can to annoy me.
"What's up ?" I asked him, and turned my head back to my book.
"Nothing much."
He kept lingering at the door, which could mean only one thing: he needed a favour. I sighed deeply.
"What do you want, Jake?"

He looked slightly offended, but he got to his point: "Mom's been on my back to get a job and to stop playing around. She won't let me do anything fun."
"Spit it out." I asked him hastily.
"My pals want to go to a concert tonight, we're gonna play too. I need you to cover for me."
He wrapped his hands in front is his chest to beg.
I sighed deeply once more: "What do you want me to say?"
"Well I'm going to sneak out of the window, but if she comes to my room I need you to say she can't disturb me, because I'm taking a nap or something."
"Fine."
His face lit up immediately and he sprung towards me and kissed my head.
"You're a dear." He said in his mimicking voice.

_______________

Logan's POV
The bell rang and third period ended.
I walked towards my locker to get my chembooks. I saw her familiar figure, she was standing in front her locker.
Her thinness is obvious. She blends into the crowd, no one noticing her broken spirit.
I walked towards her and stood there while she closed her locker.
"Hi there." I said.
Her shoulder gave a quick shock.
Crap. I startled her again. I must seem like some creep.

Amy simply smiled: "Logan, hi."
Her smile was lovely and warm.

"How are you?" I asked.
My inner guy scorned at my awkwardness. How are you? Seriously? You're not her psychiatrist.

She laughed. "I'm fine."
I bet she's said that many times.
"How was the party?" She asked.
"It ended pretty soon after I came back."
We ended up walking together towards the classroom. I followed her, I had no idea where my class was. I didn't care though, I wanted to spend some more time talking to her.
She told me about her brother and I told her I hoped her brother was better than mine.
She laughed at that too.

I read somewhere that depressed people often smile and laugh a lot.
The bell rang again and we parted. I sprinted towards my class. I was horribly late.
Worth it.

Amy's POV
My face felt warm and my cheeks blushed a slight tinge of red. Logan made me smile like an idiot during class. "His handsome face could make anyone smile."

My guilty conscious got my mind:
"You can't like Logan. You've got a boyfriend."
"Please, Logan is better than what's is name."
Evan.
"Maybe you should break it off with Evan."
"Yes go to Logan instead."
I couldn't.
"Logan already understands you more than Evan has ever bothered trying."
Evan just doesn't understand me.

"So break it off."
I can't though. My friends will hate me.
"You mean Evan's friends, he brought you into the group."
"Yes ungrateful little twat. You're the one that has to leave."

My thoughts felt lost and all over the place. What do I do?

I've been so cold towards Evan lately. I don't laugh at his jokes, I ignore his texts and we don't really kiss or hug anymore.
I love Evan.
"You mean you did."
Yes. I did.
I have to talk to him, he doesn't deserve this.

The next day, I met up with Evan at our usual coffee place.
I kissed him on the cheek and gave him a small concealed smile.
"So what did you want to talk about?" He dived right in.
I started feeling sick. I can't do this, I'll break his heart.
"You don't love him. You have to."
I'm a monster.

I sighed deeply before I started saying:
"Evan, I don't know an easy way to say this. It's been tearing me up inside. I don't want to hurt you. I love you."
I stopped. "I mean, I loved you."
His face went very serious and sad. His eyes fell down and he knew what was coming. Like a kid who saw his consequences but still hoped for mercy.
"I'm really sorry, Evan."
"No mercy." They laughed historically in my head.
"But I cannot do this anymore. I honestly think you deserve better."

I felt guilty. His mouth finally moved: "I understand." His hand brazed mine.
"I love you, Amy. But I'll let you go."
My eyes stung.
With a whisper of a kiss, we said goodbye and I walked back home.

My mind was tearing me apart.
I'm a monster. I'm horrible. I broke up with probably the only guy who'll love me.
"He didn't love you, how could anyone love you dear?"
"Yes why do you even exist?" Another voice stung my heart with words.
All true and painful.
Why do I keep on breathing when every breath feels so very heavy?
When everything I do feels wrong.
When all I am is just a girl who can't eat. Her demons constantly stuck to her back like an overpowering shadow.
No one noticing the deadness in my eyes nor the heaviness in my chest.

"I am the monster. Not Ana or Mia. But me." I whispered quietly, while I pushed the sharp blade of my pocket knife into my skin. Droplets of blood appeared on my skin.
"Coward, she didn't even cut anywhere fatal."
"I'm too afraid too die." I cried softly. Although it didn't feel like anyone would hear my cries anyway.
"Miserable." I said to my reflection.