Dear Ana,

Abhinc

I woke up, my eyes were dry and crumbly from my dried-up tears.
It was already 11 am.
Mom said she was going to call me in sick today for school.
She said I deserved some time to mourn.
I don't deserve anything.

When you wake up, you have a few split seconds where everything is forgotten.
But like a tsunami, it all comes back to hit you twice as hard.

I heard mom coming up the stairs.
A soft knock on my door.
"Amy, Honey? I'm heading off to work now."
I wanted to stay silent, but I think she would've come in, if I didn't say anything.
"Okay. Bye mom."
"Bye sweetie."
I sat up in bed. I waited until I heard mom's car drive away.

I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lie down. But I can't.
If I didn't do anything, my mind would constantly think about Rose and what kind of idiot I am.

I got out of bed and walked downstairs.
I filled my cereal bowl with cornflakes and milk and sat down with a spoon.
However, I couldn't get two bites in.
This is what drove Rose crazy, food, she was obsessed with it. She didn't want to eat anything. She wanted to be thin.

I just couldn't eat. I put the bowl in the fridge, thinking I would eat it later.

The rest of the day I spend watching Netflix series. Gilmore girls always makes me feel better, but I knew it wouldn't help this time.
I watched horror films, they made my life seem not so bad.

It was really warm outside. Summer vacation is starting soon.
My parents wanted to go on vacation, I don't think I want to.
Rose said I could slumber at her house over the summer.
I do remember she wanted to try out for lifeguard duty.
Maybe I should?
It would get my out of my funk. Rose wanted to, I could do it for her instead.

I walked upstairs to change out of my pyjamas into some sweats.
My reflection in the mirror was staring at me. I looked back.

I am kind of chubby.... If I want to be a lifeguard, I need to look good in a swimsuit....maybe I need to lose some weight. Just a few pounds.

Little did I know, that was the beginning of hell.