The Damning Of My Poet Soul

178

I hate that I find you so comfortable,
Because I know it can't be black and white,
Can it really be right to trust such instincts,
Where they do more than leave you scared and alone,
Torn are my clothes,
But if you could see what I see underneath,
The memories in everything I dare write down,
They don't ever get understood how I see,
That's the only what it can be,
With how I love like this,
I already knew I had a big heart,
And I wouldn't intend on being hated by such a being,
I can understand I am addicted to the pain of being let down,
And you always expect me to have a smile on my face,
When the things that haunted in my previous every day, now living as blades intended for my back,
You don't understand what the things inside my head do to me,
Pushed just a little too far and I had no choice but push back,
Now stuck in the forever game of gaining back all of my land of sanity,
And once you start you get hungry for the income for more,
Don't try to understand,
It's just a silly little methodical way of thinking,
Gambling almost
Can't help but place my bets and see how much I get,
That all this time it could be this easy,
And what the hell did I ever expect,
I guess it just me,
It's the odd patience I've always had to make peace,
Or find a way to the end of the day on my own anyway,
And I don't ever wanna go back to the state I used to be,
Because something like that I hate to admit in person is me,
Because I remember all the painful hate,
That lays in the memories of the scars,
And I just imagine how it would be if I had never done a thing,
Would I still think the same?
And that's why I can't take it slow,
Because it works the very same the other way,
And I have a hard time remembering to breathe with the thought of beauty in my brain,
Can not stop it from ever being the same,
Because it keeps going through my brain,
And I just hope it could be.
And I can not understand a thing I say,
Because I hate talking all about me,
And yet that all I seem to find myself doing,
And I don't ever wanna go back home but even I said it is where the heart is over mind every time,
Why the hell is it stated so simply.
I hate how the tears they come in waves,
The deeper I get the stronger they get,
And why am so scared of spilling this fresh water and unlocking door,
And leave the stocked up water,
To water the dry deserts of time at my feet that hold the shards that forever make my bare feet bleed,
Isn't the pretty the sun through the stained glass,
Look there lies forever a piece of me,
Oh don't the flood gates down,
I don't ever wanna lose the stains left by the feet that walk next to you in the night,
And isn't it funny,
I already feared that  that,
And it's the one thing I missed the most,
Why you keep thinking you got a princess to understand the sheet,
But don't you dare think my doubts will let you be,
Trust me I'm your prince and trust me I have plenty more to bid on and yet I keep letting you court me,
Don't you understand  Every time I pick up the brush I'm someone else,
Take my time to make it precise,
Down the liner on my eyes,
Don't you understand that's the point of this twisted  gender game,
And every day I show up,
I'm someone new,
And as much as I love it dearly,
And I can not seem to keep it together for long,
Because even with all the matching colors,
I can not get my heart to sing along.