Imagines by K

Friends For Never.

I couldn’t think straight. My brain was stuck in my throat and my voice had gone to a far away place. The person in my head took host for what my mind should have been controlling. All that was processed was my emptiness inside. It was a new feeling, and it was not welcome.

                The miniature keyboard pressed to my thumbs as I thought of the words that would describe how I felt, but the truth was nothing could describe it.

                “If you don’t want to chill with me its fine, but don’t make up excuses.” I typed into the device. I quickly added, “Scratch Saturday’s plans, I wouldn’t want to keep you from your beau. Hope you two have fun, then, and every other day apparently.”

My eyes stared at the screen waiting for her response. I knew I wouldn’t like it, but that made me crave to read it so much more.

                “Why are you acting so rude? You always give me attitude - which I hate - and just because your old teacher told you to stick up for yourself doesn’t mean you could be rude to me. You’ve never been in a relationship. Once you get in one you’ll understand the feeling of never wanting to leave their side, you’re going to obviously want to always be with them.”

I read every syllable the way she intended. And instantly my thumbs were pressing keys before my mind could stop them; “Yeah, its true. I haven’t been in any real relationship, but I have been in a lot of friendships. You know the kind where you make time for people. Because frankly I feel like instead of starting relationships with Jessie, and Stewart before, all you did was end a friendship with me. And even if I were in a relationship, I’d make time for friends and family. Call me crazy but I think friendships are just as important as relationships.”

A tear slipped from my eye and ran down my cheek. Before others could join I looked away from my phone and stared at the ceiling for a bit trying to clear my mind. “Is it so bad to want some ‘best friend’ time without it turning into my- third wheeling your date? Is that so hard?”

The response took quite some time. But when the message finally popped up on my screen a part of me felt like it had gone missing. Maybe gone to find my voice as both were now together in a far away place.

                “That actually broke my heart.”

                “But you don’t act all sweet to me anymore.”

My heart started to regain strength just as my eyes cleared. I blinked a few times so I could focus on the small letters. “I don’t act all sweet because I’ve changed. And can you stop saying a teacher changed me because that’s not true. Just because I’m no longer an innocent little girl who hid how she felt. I used to care so much about what people would think of me that I stopped being me. I’ve grown since then. The only ones who matter now are family.”

                “What’s your family going to think of you if you’re rude?”

Those words hurt.

I always considered Ela as part of the family. A sister from another mister as some would say.

                “Well you’re like family to me Charlie, like I love you but sometimes you’re so rude to me.”

I read her new reply and could swear my body went ridged. “I’m not rude, I’m sarcastic. The only people who would consider that as rude are the ones on the outside looking in. And to think that you’re on that outside, its just not something I thought was possible.”

                “I’m telling you this because you’ve changed. Sometimes I’ll tell you something and you’ll say ‘Sucks, doesn’t it’ and I take that as rude.”

A little smile cracked upon my tear stained face. I wasn’t a crier for this kind of stuff but something inside me felt empty. It was a strange abyss that I didn’t know existed. The voice read out what I was to type “I guess now we know. At least now I can stop wishing for the past because I know now, that it won’t come. Just know I’ll always be there for you, it’ll just be different.”

                “Why are you saying that? It really hurts.”

I read her response and thought of a simple way to put all of my muddled thoughts. “It wasn’t easy to type. I had to say that so I could believe it.”

                “Believe what?”

“So I can believe that I have to move on. That we’ve changed and won’t go back to being careless and close because we’ve grown up. Now we’re two respectable young adults with our lives spinning in different circles. We might cross paths here and there, but that doesn’t mean we can stop. The road doesn’t end when things are good, or when things are bad. It just continues on the ride. Our problem is we’re on two different rides going two different ways, and how are you supposed to be close in that situation?”

The response felt like it would never come. My eyes ran across my own typed words over and over hopping they were clear enough to express my thoughts and feelings.

Finally my phone dinged signaling a new message. “I see what you mean. We can’t be young forever. Things change, people change. We just have to change for the better.”

                “I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. When you started dating Stewart you kind of left me. And I guess I learned how to grow without you. Now I want to stop just relax like we used to but. Back to when we were two little girls playing with Barbies and laughing at nothing in particular, when only now am I seeing this clearly. We’re different. So how would acting the same solve anything? It wouldn’t. That’s why we don’t work anymore. Its because we’ve changed. Now we’ve just got to keep changing and hope for the best.”

I re-read what I had typed and added “I’ve gone through this whole conversation without being sarcastic, looks like I’ve just grown a little. Ha.”

“I noticed. I like it. Its more you.”

Those last three words snapped me out of my trance. We weren’t on good terms. At least not like we used to be because the person I thought was my best friend didn’t know me. “It’s actually more of the old me. Now I’m known for being sarcastic. Its my form of speech and I have an odd liking with it. Kind of like, rice and ketchup. It’s weird, but in a way go together. Even if that means not everyone likes it. At least I know I do. And you like the more series me, but the problem is, that’s the old me.”

                “But didn’t you just say you grew by not using it?”

                “What I meant by that is I went this entire conversation without using sarcasm, something I haven’t done in a long time. Anyways, goodnight El, I’m going to hibernate.”

“I mean, night Ela, I’m going to sleep.*”

“Goodnight Char <3”

 

It was in that moment. When I retyped my last message and read hers, that even though I had not been in a serious relationship with anyone, Ela - the one friend I thought I’d never lose - had managed to break my heart.  

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Based off true events with actual messages between someone who meant the world to me.

-K