Greaser

40. Tears

M A R Y

            It felt refreshing to wake up with his arm still wrapped around my waist, despite the fact that I was still a little irritated with what happened last night. I closed my eyes again, hoping that maybe it would all just go away but I had no such luck. Maybe if we just laid in bed all day, all this would just simmer down and end. I felt his arm loosen around my waist and slowly unwrap from it. I felt the bed get less heavy, and his footsteps soon walked across the carpeted floor and down the hallway. I sighed, rolling over to look at the empty space next to me. The clock read 2 o’clock p.m. It surprised me that it was already this late in the day, because usually Tony wakes one of us by now.

I flipped my blanket off my body, and went to put my feet on the ground. But before I did I noticed a small body lying next to bed. Tony must have slipped through the door after Niall and I finally went to sleep last night. I titled my head, stepping over the small body. I knelt down beside him, and kissed the top of his head before picking him up and putting him in my spot on the bed. He moved slightly, stretching in his sleep but his eyes never opened. I pulled the comforter over his body and tiptoed out of the room.

Coming into view of the kitchen, Niall wasn’t there but the fridge was open a crack. I closed my eyes sighing, knowing just what he grabbed already. I closed the fridge all the way, and walked through the kitchen door and into the living room. My instincts were right, there he was sitting on the couch with a mixed drink in his hand since he was all out of beer.

 “You’re kidding right?”

He took a sip, shrugging at me while he watched me sit across from him on the coffee table. I took in a deep breath, taking the cup from his hand and placed it behind me.

“You’re already having a drink? It’s two in the afternoon.”

“I did it before.” He simply stated, almost like he didn’t even remember anything that happened last night. He was only a few inches from hitting me last night, luckily it was the wall instead of my face.

“You don’t remember what happened last night, do you?”

“I only remember that we were cuddling last night before bed.” He grinned, “Must’ve been a good night.” I shook my head, biting the inside of my cheek when I felt the tears already starting to well up in my eyes. “What?” his voice suddenly became caring, and concerned and I hoped that Tony wasn’t going to wake up any time soon.

“You can’t do that. You can’t just act so caring after what happened last night. Last night you barely cared. You didn’t even want to listen to what I was saying.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Makes sense that you don’t remember.” I grumbled, “You were drunk, angry drunk.” I mumbled, looking back at him. His eyes were glazed over, and he was probably thinking up the worst scenarios. “You yelled at me in the middle of the sidewalk, and you were…” I paused, gathering a few breaths and nervous to finish my sentence. “You nearly hit me. You hit the wall, inches away from actually hit me.”

“Mary I--,” he shook his head, standing up as his fingers ran through his messy hair out of instinct. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s what you said last night. But when I came out here this morning to see that you were already drinking, it makes me wonder if you meant anything that you said last night.”

“Wait.” He paused, taking the cup and dumping it out in the sink. “I’m—I’m remembering last night in pieces now.”

“That’s ironic.” I huffed, standing up from my place and met him in the kitchen. “What happened last night? The pieces that you remember that is.”

“I remember you crying.” He stated sadly, “I remember that I said you were my good thing, I figured you needed to be reminded. I remember apologizing for everything and Tony. I remember him…” he halted, sadness hitting his facial features even more. “He told me not to hurt you.” He whispered to himself, putting his head in his hands. His body started to shake, it took me a few seconds to realize that he was crying.

“So you remember that we agreed your drinking needed to stop?”

He nodded, extending his hand towards me. “Yes, Yes I remember it all now. God, how could I have let this guilt get to me.” He muttered, slumping his shoulders. I froze, suddenly nervous and scared about what he could possibly feel guilty about. Did he cheat on me? Did he hurt someone?  Did he rob a store? A house?

“W-What guilt? Why do you have guilt?” I stuttered, taking a few steps back. His facial features softened, shaking his head rapidly.

“I didn’t do anything bad, Mary.” He quickly cleared up, “No baby it’s not like it, I promise. I promised I wouldn’t hurt you, although I failed in the dumbest way. But I won’t hurt you like that, ever. You know that.” He sighed, regaining his thoughts. “The guilt from—the night you got hurt is getting at me. It’s eating me up Mary, and I can’t help but feel like that I could have helped you. Everything would have been different, sure but I could have prevented you from leaving, you always told me you can prevent someone from leaving and I failed at the one thing I could control.” He cried, “I failed you in the biggest way, I let you leave. I didn’t think about what could happen when I walked out on that fight and you nearly died! For what? For me? I’m not that special, Mary. You could have just left it, but when I think about it, I could have sat there to work it out with you, and hear you out but I left instead and so did you.”

I frowned, wiping my thumb across his cheek to clear the tears off his cheek. “Niall.” I breathed, resting my forehead on his chest.

“Sometimes I’m still scared to touch you because I’m afraid that you’re still so fragile. Even though I know you’re not, I can’t help but feel like if I touch you wrong, or I’m too rough with you that your ribs will break again, and you’ll only want to lay in bed, not doing anything because it hurts too much to move. I’m so fucking scared that I’m going to hurt you if I touch you.”

“My ribs are fine, Niall. You’re not going to hurt me.” I whispered, pulling his body closer to mine so I could fully get my arms around him. “Nothing, and I repeat nothing that has happened to me is your fault. It’s not your fault who my father is, it’s not your fault that I went back to fix things. I wanted answers for myself, I got myself into that.”

“But I could have stopped you.” He defended, only causing me to shake my head.

“No, no you couldn’t have. I was going back one way or another to get the answers I wanted.” His chin rested in the crook of my neck, and I could feel the tears run off his cheek and onto my shoulder. He suddenly pulled away, looking beside us to see Tony. He cleared his throat, turning away and quickly wiped his eyes.

“What do you want for breakfast Tony?” Tony looked at me before blurting out that he wanted chocolate chip pancakes. Because he had them at Aubrey’s house that one time and he’s been wanting them ever since. I smiled, walking into the dining room with my hand on his back.

“Why did you sleep in mine and Niall’s room last night, Tony?”

He shrugged, kicking his feet against the legs of the chair he decided to occupy this morning. “I wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt you.”

“Tony, you know you don’t have to do that.” I let out, “I can handle it.”

“Yeah.” He mumbled under his breath, knowing there was nothing he could say that would make the situation any different. I heard soft crying coming from the kitchen, knowing that it was Niall I slid away from the table and walked back through the door. The pancake mix was just powder, and standing water in the bowl. His hands covered his eyes while he had his knees pulled to his chest sitting on the kitchen tile. I sighed, knowing he heard what Tony said. I took over making the boy breakfast, while Niall sat there on the ground. He just needed to cry, everyone needs to cry once and a while. Later would be the time to talk things out further, not now. Right now he needed to let things out through tears.

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Agh, boomy boom. It's 1 a.m and I need to sleep. BEcause of obvious reasons.

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xx -A