✔️Heal My Heart {Kakashi Hatake}

44 | fever dreams

It was an eternity of pain.

I don't know what hell feels like, but I imagined it to be something like this. The throbbing in my head, searing fire being pumped through my veins, constant stabbing pains everywhere. I had no awareness except for the blinding pains.

There was a moment of awareness. I was in the garden, feeding the marigolds. Something was off, but I couldn't tell what it was. The marigolds were flourishing, and the weather was clear. Around the marigolds were beds of bluebells, sweet peas, sunflowers and all kinds of flowers. It was a beautiful garden, and when I looked around, my chest swelled with pride at my hard work.

Strong arms wrapped around my waist and I squeaked in surprise. I felt a gentle, tender kiss land on my neck.

"How's it going?" Kakashi asked.

"It was going good until you scared me, honestly, Kashi!" I scolded. My heart was racing with the closeness. His breath tickled my ear as he planted another kiss on the side of my cheek, then he released me. I glanced at him and noticed he was wearing his mask, despite having just kissed me.

"It's looking amazing, just like always," he murmured, taking my hand in his. I felt my heartbeat pick up and my face heat up.

"Are you okay?" Kakashi asked softly, putting his spare hand against my head. "You've got a temperature."

"It's nothing," I stammered. Kakashi brushed the long strand of hair from my face.

"Close your eyes," he whispered, and I complied, though I couldn't have said why. In just a few moments, I felt the pressure of his lips against mine. I thought my heartbeat couldn't get any higher. His lips moved gently against mine, so careful and so undeniably loving. It was then that I realised what was wrong.

There are no marigolds in my garden.

As the thought crossed my mind, Kakashi and my garden faded, to be replaced by the terrible, constant pain and empty whiteness. Some might say that black is the emptiest colour, because it is literally nothing, but I have always found white is the loneliest. White is made up of every colour on the spectrum, and is so bright that when confronted with nothing but white, you might imagine things to be coming out of nowhere, if I just turn this corner there will be something, but there isn't, and it feels all the more small and crushing and empty.

At one point, the white faded - or was it my vision? - into darkness, slowly getting darker. It was in this darkness that the pain dulled, and I felt better than I ever had. I embraced the darkness with open arms, but as it began to enclose me, I could have sworn I heard voices, familiar yet unrecognisable. They called out my name, sounding so panicked that for a moment I stopped, and turned and looked at the rapidly fading white. The voices screamed out my name and I tried to call out and respond, but they didn't hear me. The white was extinguished, and I saw nothing.

Except I did see something. A woman, perhaps in her thirties, with long red hair identical to mine, the same blue eyes, small frame, pointed chin. She looked at me with an expression filled with something I had not seen for a long time.

"Mama," I whispered, and ran to her. She embraced me tightly as I, too, held her close.

"Miyoshi, my baby," she murmured into my shoulder. I was as tall as her now, perhaps even a little taller. That did not stop me from breaking down in her arms and crying like a child. Mama shushed me and stroked my hair soothingly. "Hush, baby, hush. I haven't got much time."

"Time for what?" I asked, drawing back a little so I could meet her eyes. "Why don't you have any time?"

"You've got good friends who love you, and I can't keep you from them for long," Mama explained.

"Is Pa coming?" I asked hopefully. "Hajimaru?"

"That's what we need to talk about," Mama said, a small sigh escaping. I felt my chest clench up, and I swallowed thickly.

"I don't want to," I whispered. "I don't want to even think about it, I wish it had never happened, I wish..."

"I know," Mama said soothingly, brushing my hair from my face. "It's okay, it's not your fault. But I need to talk to you about your brother."

"What?" I asked uncertainly.

"I planned everything with him. We didn't tell your father. He wouldn't have let us do it."

"Wait, everything?" I interrupted. "Even the bit with the Yūdoku?"

"Everything," she confirmed. "We ran our plans by the Hokage as well, and although he didn't approve, we did it anyway. It's the hardest thing Hajimaru's ever done. He couldn't bear to leave you alone, and neither could I." She paused for a moment. "Actually, it was only on his insistence that he spared you at all."

I swallowed a lump in my throat. "I don't understand. Why would you do that?"

"It was for everyone's protection. Had they known the dangers waiting for them, they would have welcomed the quick end that Hajimaru delivered." Mama said, pain clouding her gaze for a moment. "They were all in danger, you and your brother included. Hajimaru offered to face it alone and take on the burden of committing the crime, and I only allowed him to because I had to give my children a chance to live."

"Mama..." I couldn't think of anything to say to her. I wanted to ask what dangers faced them, but I didn't. I didn't really want to know.

"I can understand if you hate me now," Mama said sadly.

"Hate you?" I repeated. True, her actions had little justification, and I was struggling to believe that my mother and brother had worked together on such a terrible plot. Many people would have instantly turned on her.

And yet... "I don't hate you," I said. "I probably should, but I can't."

"My baby." Mama gazed at me wistfully, arms raised as if to reach out to me, but she made no move. "You've grown up into such a beautiful young woman..."

Mama stared at me for a moment, and I could have sworn I saw a tear carve a path down her cheek. I wanted to go to her, but something held me back, and I didn't.

The voices started calling again. I looked up, and so did my mother. Light unfolded slowly above us, casting a glow on Mama's face. Her features softened.

"It's time for you to go now, baby," she whispered.

"Mama... can't I stay with you?"

"No, Mimi. You need to go back to your friends," Mama said sadly. "Be good. Take your time getting back here, okay?"

"Mama... I wish I could talk to you more."

The light had almost completely enveloped me, and Mama was starting to fade away. I ran to her once more, despite the ever increasing cacophony of voices calling my name, and I flung my arms around her, embracing her just one last time.

Just one last time before she was gone.