✔️Heal My Heart {Kakashi Hatake}

19 | spill

Picture is Hajimaru, and this time the monotone is intentional 😎

I jolted awake violently. That was the worst one so far. When I closed my eyes, I could still see my brother's calm features as he watched his family drop dead around him. I started to shake, despite the fire that still burned brightly.

"Are you okay?"

I glanced up to see Kakashi, and only then realised that he had been keeping watch the whole time. I flushed red and glared at the ground.

"I'm fine. Just a dream. Why don't I take watch?" I sat up, pushing my sleeping bag away.

"Must have been a pretty bad dream. And by the look on your face, I'd say that you're not fine. Quite the opposite, actually. What was it about?"

I shook my head and pushed past him to sit at the mouth of the cave.

"You know," Kakashi commented, joining me, "a wise medic once yelled at me because not talking to your friends makes your problems worse."

"I wasn't aware that we were friends," I said coldly. "It's kind of hard to tell with you."

"Well, I'm sorry I give that impression, but you obviously need a friend right now." Kakashi crossed his legs and settled next to me.

"Who says?" I kept my gaze fixed on the snow outside. There was nothing really to keep my attention distracted.

"I say. Are you going to tell me what that was about or shall I force it out of you?" Kakashi's tone wasn't really threatening. It was almost friendly, which was a little confusing. Kakashi had never been friendly, per se.

"It wasn't about anything. Just forget it, okay? You've been travelling just as much as I have." I frowned, and scooped up a handful of snow. It was strange how dense it was, even though it was made up of such tiny, fragile flakes. Why was I noticing that?

"I am going to sit here until you tell me."

"You'll be there for a while." I smoothed the snow into a little snowball and tossed it into the darkness. It landed in the midst of the thick layer of snow outside, creating a dent in the smooth surface.

"I'm serious." Kakashi turned and looked at me. I met his gaze, somewhat surprised to see that he really was serious. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, this was a very new thing, Kakashi being friendly; I had never known him to be so sincere. On the other hand, I had to admit - it was a nice change. I wanted this Kakashi to be someone I could go to. Just maybe... not right now.

"I really don't want to." I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face in them, trying to bite back tears. I was absolutely not going to cry right now.

"If you're pushy, I get to be pushy. I could put you in a Genjutsu and force the memories out of you." He paused. "I'm not going to, though, because of what happened... you know."

"Well. Thanks, I guess." I traced swirling patterns in the snow. A tear threatened to spill, but I brushed it away before Kakashi could notice.

We sat in silence for a while. I was still tired, and I was feeling the effects of my limited hours of sleep. I didn't bother to try and send Kakashi away, because I knew how stubborn he could be when he wanted to.

"It was about my family."

What?! Why did I just say that? Maybe I was ill, after all? Or maybe I felt like I could trust him? Still... this was stuff that even Teren and Garake didn't know, and we were as close as siblings.

"Your family?"

No going back now, I suppose. I took a deep breath, and exhaled it slowly.

"Yeah. When I was a kid, we were all really close. I had it made, I guess. My parents were kind and loving, and they always made sure I was happy. Although my dad would tease me about a new boy every week." And every other week, it was you. "My mom taught me pretty much everything I know. Although, I was a pretty restless kid. Despite all her best efforts, I still can't play piano." The corner of my mouth twitched upwards at the memory. "I had a brother, as well. He was the greatest big brother in the whole world. He used to make breakfast and packed my lunches for school, he helped me with whatever I was struggling with... we were best friends. I told him everything. Even the stuff I didn't want our parents to know." A pause. "His name was Hajimaru."

I heard Kakashi inhale sharply. "So this guy is... your brother?"

"Was," I corrected. "He's not any brother of mine anymore."

"Do you mind me asking... what did he do?"

"Oh, nothing much," I replied airily. "Only murdered our whole clan while nobody was watching and then poisoned our parents so that I could watch them die. I was eight."

"Wow," Kakashi whispered.

"Yeah." I laughed without humour. "And the whole time, he just watched with this calm look in his eyes. The only reason I'm alive is because I was asking him what Yūdoku is. Even as our parents died, he kept up the 'loyal big brother' act. He explained it to me patiently, while..." I chewed my lip. "My dad died first. Mom told me to run, and then she... yeah."

"Wow." Kakashi stared out at the horizon. "No wonder you're eager to fight him."

"I'm only telling you this in the understanding that you won't repeat a word of it to anyone," I warned. "And you'd better stay out of my way when we find him. This is my business."

"I won't tell. I have my own secrets to keep, you know."

"I'm coming after 'em," I assured him. "You aren't going to keep whatever's under that mask hidden for long."

"Oh yeah?" He challenged. "I've managed nineteen years, I can handle a few more."

"Hmmm. Sure."

The fire's warmth was dying. We had run out of fuel, but I didn't particularly want to go and get any more. I was probably going to fall asleep here. I was so tired.

I didn't even notice that I was leaning on Kakashi as I drifted off to sleep.