Chapter 5:
I woke up the next morning, after getting about 3 hours of sleep, occurring in 20 minute intervals, as I kept waking up with the sweats after having bad dreams. I checked the time, it was 7:17, 10 minutes early from when I actually had to get up for school, but whatever I won’t be able to fall back asleep. I went to the bathroom and hopped into the shower really quick, and got out and began to dry my hair. I got dressed in a blue baggy crop top, blue skinny jeans and my green Vans and grabbed my bag and phone, and went downstairs.
To my surprise, the house seemed empty, and my dad wasn’t at the island like he always is. I was ready to apologize, and I wanted to make it up to him. I sort of understood where he was coming from, not wanting to leave me alone, but also realizing that it would be alright. Just as I was about to go upstairs and look for him, I saw a note on the counter,
Dear Ellie,
I hope you know that I am doing this because I love you, I really do. I know it might not seem like it right now, but I can promise you I’m doing this because it’s for the best. I’ve left already, I didn’t know if you were still mad, and you know I’m not good at goodbyes. I want you to try your best to forget about me, I want you to try and move on, don’t lose yourself in attempt to hold onto someone who isn’t there for you. I’ve left you the money like I told you I would, and be the responsible girl that I know you are. Grow up to be that strong, beautiful woman I know you will be. And some life advice that I want you to know, Let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough, and move on when things aren’t like before. And don’t forget that there’s going to be that guy out there for you that will love you unconditionally, it might take some time to find him, but he’s there and when you find him, you’ll know it. I love you with all my heart Ellie May, and don’t forget that I ever did.
Dad.
I can’t believe he didn’t say goodbye... not even to his own daughter. I feel so weak right now, today’s going to be a rough day, I can tell already.
My eyes were full of tears, and they soon reached the brim as they started to overflow and cascade down my face. I had thought last night I had cried out all my tears, but clearly I was wrong. I ran upstairs and went straight to the bathroom. I promised myself, and for my dad that I wouldn’t do this again, but I have no choice. I need to get rid of the pain somehow, and this is the easiest way.
I pulled the blade out of the drawer and leaned back against the wall, letting myself slide down to the ground. I put the blade on my wrist and dragged it down my wrist as I watched the crimson liquid flow out of the incision. I made another cut in my wrist, wincing as the pain flowed through my body, taking my mind off of the emotion pain I had. I sat there for a while, just taking everything in when my phone vibrated through my pocket, New Text:
“I was talking to that guy you like on Facebook
the other day. I didn’t say much, just that
you had several STD’s and sleep around,
I might also have mentioned that you already
have 5 guys you use just for sex. He agreed
that nobody on this PLANET wants you alive!
X’s and O’s bitch”
I didn’t have a moment to think when I got yet another message,
“Actually, you’re more than a bitch and a whore,
it’s that you’re a PROSTITUTE. You sleazy skank.
You know...the world doesn’t like prostitutes,
neither do I...Neither do your mom or dad, that’s
why they both left you. You have no friends, so
how does it feel to be loved by NOBODY?”
I rolled up the sleeve on my other arm and began carelessly cutting up my arm. I was relapsing and I knew it, but did I care? Nope. Just the way that nobody seems to care about me. I watched as the blood dripped down my arm, turning it all red. Would anyone even care if I died right now? I honestly don’t know one person that would, cause I don’t have anyone here for me. I’m alone. I always will be.
I got up and washed off all my cuts, flinching as the cold water touched my skin, flaring the pain up my arm. I bandaged them up and threw on a sweatshirt so no one would see the cuts. I applied some make-up to cover up my tear stained cheeks. I made my way downstairs yet again, and grabbed my bag. Walking out the door, I almost automatically put my iPod on, on shuffle and began making my journey to the bus stop. My mood instantly lifted when I was completely shocked at how ironic it was that the song came on. ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ by the one and only One Direction played through my headphones.
Now, some crazy fan would have thought that this is a sign that we are destined to be together or something, simply because of the situation at hand. It means nothing, there’s a certain number of songs on my iPod, and the probability that this song came on was probably like 1 out of 400, so...it’s not that special.
The bus came, and as I sat I listened to the lyrics and how much it affected my mood. This song has always made me feel like that, it’s almost like One Direction knows how I feel, but obviously they don’t, that’s just stupid. I was so deep in my thoughts that I hadn’t realized we passed Emily’s stop and were a few seconds away from reaching the school.
As I stepped off the bus, I walked up towards the school, putting on my brave face. I was determined to stay in school today, I wouldn’t let Emily see how much her words were affecting me, I couldn’t let her see the mess she made, it would only make her proud. When I was walking down the hall to English, I was making some good progress with my strength. Throughout class, I tried to pay the least bit attention to the rumors spreading around the classroom, so I put in my headphones while doing my work instead. As class ended, I saw Justin and his friends get up, looking somewhat disappointed that they didn’t get a reaction out of me. Point 1 for Ellie.
For the rest of the day, I ignored the comments, the looks and all of the hate that was surrounding me. I was walking down the hallway, through the crowd being careful to not hit anyone when I was shoved out of the way by someone behind me, and I fell flat to the floor. I looked up to see Emily hovering over me with a grim look on her face, she got closer to me and said,
“ You think I don’t know that you’re broken inside Ellie? I was your best friend, I can read you like a book. And if you think that you can’t stop me? Well hahaha, good luck with that. I hope you suffer, bitch.”
I stood up, my strong face buried and dead as I began to get foggy. I ran out of the school and began walking home. Cars passed by, not knowing the pain of that girl walking down the street with a school bag. A car I recognized as Justin’s passed by, slowing down for a short while, just enough to see him and Emily in the car, as it sped back up and down the road. I was at my front door when I received a text,
“Want to know something? People commit
suicide everyday...why can’t you? It’s
just a simple pop of 10 pills and you fall
asleep. Not saying you should but who
would miss you? I’m sure we might be
able to find SOMEONE in this planet
who would, if we looked hard enough”
Little did she know, how close I am to doing this.
