The Jerks Next Door || Ashton Irwin [5 Seconds Of Summer]

Chapter 38 | Flowers

Ashley POV

A month later and I was praying I never saw that poor excuse of a human being ever again. Ashton didn't break my heart - he broke my morale. And he didn't realize that. Every time I wanted to piece it together again, he was there, trying to 'piece my heart back together.' He didn't see me, he saw the girl the fans loved and his accomplishment in having a real relationship. He didn't understand that people in real relationships didn't wait until the day before to tell them they were going away for months and months.

I rubbed my temples. A month later, and I was still thinking about it. How pathetic was I?

I got up from bed and got ready. I didn't know where I was going today. I still didn't have a roommate to share my post-university experiences yet. Maybe I could visit Kate. But no, she was working. I had stayed in her apartment on some of the summers during my university days. Jodie was probably off on some photo-shoot. She had gotten a modeling job while I was away in university. Apparently working in the lingerie section at Nordstrom's paid off when the head of a modeling buisiness needed to seduce her boyfriend. Jodie had been crazy busy ever since.

Who else did I know whom I could visit on such short notice? Jake was probably with his girlfriend, or maybe with his parents deciding about college. I felt like a horrible person. I had missed so much of his life. While I was in university, he went from fourteen to eighteen, just like that. He looked so grown up when I saw him. Now he was eighteen and it was time for him to go to college. I felt like a proud mother, seeing him mature like that. I still remembered the old days when Al and I would come pick him up from school and all of his friends would look at him in awe because some seniors were picking him up. How did he get so lucky?

I knew who I would visit. Winnie. I hadn't seen her in over a week. Of course I had seen her on the second day back. Her grave was something special. When she died, every one of us who knew her agreed that we should put a special quote on it. "The dedicated life is worth living. You must give with your whole heart." -Annie Dillard. I never asked her why she loved that quote so much. I never knew who Annie Dillard was. All I knew is that she was an author. It was one of my biggest regrets. I vowed that I would read her books before I died. I needed to.

But I loved the quote. It was about life, love, and everything else you could think about. If you looked at it from the wrong side, it was a quote about death. But I never thought about it like that. Winnie once told me that if you wanted to have your life fly past you, then you should think about death and when you were going to die. But if you wanted a life that mattered more than your death, then you should focus on what you wanted to do to help the world. Or even help the beyond. You didn't need to just help people. Sometimes people could be stupid. Even the smartest of humans were really, really stupid sometimes. They waged wars and killed animals and trees. They were too selfish.

I was selfish sometimes too. Well, who was I kidding? I was always selfish. I hated it. But I couldn't really help it much. I could only tell myself every day that I wasn't placed on the earth to be selfish. Selfish. Reminded me of Ashton. Then again, everything reminded me of Ashton these days. Almost five years. He was my first boyfriend. I would never forget him. I knew that.

I put my clothes on. It was time for me to see Winnie again. I got into the car and drove to the grocery store first. I bought some flowers. Carnations. To resemble the purest of life. The florist asked me if these flowers were for someone special. Apparently, white carnations represented innocence. I told her these were definitely for someone special.

Then I went to the graveyard. And what I saw there made me groan audibly. Ashton turned around and his eyes lit up. Why couldn't he leave me alone? This was the last straw. He was actually interfering with my relationship with Winnie. I couldn't stand him. This was supposed to be the only sacred and relaxing place I had, but he had to ruin that for me too. Why couldn't he just understand that I didn't want him anymore?

I stalked over to him, extremely angry. "You - are - such - a - jerk, Ashton Irwin!" With each punctuation, I gave him a punch in the chest. I didn't realize there were tears streaming down my face until he reached up to wipe them away. I slapped his hands away and wiped them off myself, trying to show him that I didn't need him.

Somewhere in my rage, I had dropped the flowers. I gasped as I realized, then ran to them. "No, no, no," I repeated under my breath, hoping nothing had happened to them. I sighed in relief - they just were a bit battered up, but they were fine. I closed my eyes, facing away from Ashton, who hadn't moved. I could do this. I was fine. I could face him.

Before I acknowledged his presence, I walked over to Winnie's grave, planning on laying down the carnations before they could get any more ruined. My breath caught in my throat as I saw at least five bouquets of yellow flowers next to the familiar quote; anything you could think of: daffodils, daisies, marigolds, azaleas, and the all-familar roses. There were even some day-lilies.

I turned around, placing the flowers down first in the only available space. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Sparing me the embarrassment, Ashton started talking. "I was in LA again - convienient, I know -" he said before I could intervene, "- and I knew I couldn't come back, because you wouldn't take me.

"I didn't know where else to go, and I definitely wasn't going to stay cooped up in that cage again." The tour bus, of course that was what he meant. "So I found myself buying flowers. I asked the florist what all of the different flower colors meant. I didn't even know who I was buying them for," he added, "but I just thought, why don't I buy flowers?

"So the florist said that red means love and passion, obviously; orange means warmth and confidence; green means health and life; blue means peace; lavender is grace; purple is royalty; pink is happiness and gentility; white is innocence and purity; and yellow -" he paused, taking a breath, "-yellow is for friendship, and new beginnings."

He ended serenely, but he wasn't looking at me, rather at Winnie's grave. I looked at him curiously. He was wearing sweatpants, a T-shirt, and a beanie. "Ashton, why do you remember all of those meanings?"

He shrugged and smiled. "I actually don't know. I usually don't listen that well."

Yeah, if anyone knew that, it was me.

"I've been coming here every day for almost a week now," he said. "Hence all of the flowers. I think the florist might be getting sick of me."

I started speaking. "Ashton, listen -"

"No, wait. Before you get the chance to turn me down again, I want you to know that I didn't come here because I wanted to see you. Well, at first I did, yeah, but it's not like that anymore!"

He saw my confused face and sighed. He looked frustrated. "I liked the quote on her grave and I realized that if I kept harrassing you, you'd never want me back. So I was going to leave after tomorrow. I just...well, it'll sound lame if I say it out loud."

I nodded for him to go on, and after a pleading look, he gave up and kept talking.

"Um, I've been...talking to her, I guess. At first I was kind of asking her for advice to get you to come 'round, but then I kind of just vented about, well, everything." He waited for me to explode with laughter and tell him how lame that was, or explode with anger and tell him how he had no right to talk to her. But I understood him. I talked to her too, every time I came here. Sometimes even when I was just at home alone (which was all the time these days) and I needed some guidance.

I nodded again and my eyes softened. I still wasn't ready to get back with Ashton - I didn't know if I ever would be - but I wouldn't hate him anymore. I never really did.

**********

'about the boy' by lm ♡ if zayn doesn't marry perrie soon, then i will bc that high note is so fucking sexy lmao

and a new banner from @the_funnier_one tysm, love!

ashley x

[Q&A CLOSED]