Soon

Chapter Thirty-One

The cold from the door knob seeped through my skin. The events of the date replayed in my mind. The rest had gone fairly smoothly yet I was unsettled. It feels as though the dating aspect of my life has become the only part of interest. I miss the freedom of not worrying whether or not I should call or if the date shall go well. The future should only be full of wonder. Where will I be next not who shall be by my side? If only everything was much simpler. 

Turning the knob ever so slowly, once open I stepped in. I did not sigh nor pause like so many do on T.V after a date but at this time it didn't seem fitting. "Abi? Abigail," my mother called. Following her voice, I wound up in the kitchen. Of course. It's only fitting to be confronted for god knows what  in the place where everything similar to this confrontation takes place. "Yes, mother," I asked as I stepped through the doorway. Her cheeks stained from tears. Eyes red and bloodshot. 

"Honey, darling. I hope you understand everything I do is to protect you. Please, sit," she said almost in a whisper. I can't help but wonder what could possibly put her in such misery. Walking forward, I sat in front of her. "Your father, he called. The man expressed such a worry, that I can't ignore. But this is not the full cost of my pain. You can't possibly understand why things worked out this way. I kept him at bay to keep you from any further harm. Now see that was wrong. Your pain was yours alone. I only furthered it by treating you like a newborn. I could handle this on my own. I have chosen to confront you on behalf of your father and I. His worry has influenced mine. I've been so blind. That day at the diner he saw something. A look in your eyes. There was no fear. The way you looked at the waitress. I decided to look further into it. I knew you had plans. Before they were even made. He saw your exchange with the waitress. I have chosen to hope all the signs were just of you being kinder than most. But now I see clearly. Tonight you were gone. On a date, I can only presume with her," my mother trailed off. 

My eyes fixated on the floor. "Tell me. Am I right? Tell me I'm wrong.  Are you involved with her?" Tears streamed down her cheeks. It was impossible to tell what she was feeling besides hurt. How would she react if I confirmed her fears? Yet I can't deny it either. She only wants me to conform. She knows enough. My mother knows I left, alone dressed nicely rather than my sweats. I give up. All this effort I've put into this just to keep my secrets secret is becoming too much. I just want to be carefree, I only want to be me. "I could tell you what you want to hear but I'm not. No more hiding. I am gay, nothing will change that," I rose, " I don't expect you to understand but that is a part of me. It's part of who I am. I am eighteen now, I plan to leave home as soon as possible." 

Turning, I caught one last glimpse of my mother's tear soaked face. A single tear found its way down my cheek. This is it. This is that moment I thought of for so long. I had always thought since I was young of how this would be. "Soon," I'd whisper. "Soon I'll be strong enough. Soon I'll be free. Soon." Well it seems as though soon is now.