Soon

Chapter Ten

My bed stood before me. A thin gray bag placed upon it. Hands tracing the sewn up wound. The pounding no longer. Drugs in one hand. Harmless if you take the right measurement. Painless, if you take them. Without pain sears through you. "It'll pass." The duo repeats. Each person saying it as if they're the first. Every doctor, every nurse, every visitor. Nothing new. They hide the knowledge I crave. Mother wishes for me to be okay. At sight of bad news she hides it. Almost as if she's stuffing it under a bed, not expecting another hand to graze it.

The bag haunts me. So simple, so meaningless. Almost nothing. All it is, is a reminder. Reminder of what I lived through. Each visitor acting like I was dying. Hugs and kisses, nothing less. Biting their lips, as though I will tell them bad news. Eyes scanning my every movement, observing. All thinking they're helpful. Truth is, they're not. Protecting me from what I need to know. Fake smiles, cheerful eyes. It's sickening. TReating me as though I'm a child. 

Pointless. Despite the fact I'm in my room, I'm still in a box. Outside peering in. Tiptoeing around me. To them I'm fragile. Despit how calm and collected I am. Each step they take to protect me, causes another piece to join the walls. Creating a box, isolating. Clear and light. I can feel it. My hand grazing the glass. Maybe they're right. My body numb. Mind awake. Happy, calm but trapped. 

"Hey honey," the gentle voice brings me back. I look towards the door. Hanging onto the frame, my mother peers in. Eyes alert, bags hanging under each. A forced smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Brows furrowing at the sight of the bag. Mine glancing between the two. "It's not that mother. I just can't believe I'm home." I smile widely, forcing it to overtake my features. Relief floods through her eyes. A small sigh escapes. 

"I've missed you." "I know," I reply. She's changed, they all have. Kimberly rarely sees me. The only constant in my life is Joey. My heart aches. I'm going to break his heart. Not now, but soon. I don't want to continue like this. My box growing stronger as I'm getting weaker. Enough of the lies. Freedom has a price. Hopefully the only one I have to pay, is the truth. It'll shatter my mother, Joey. Perhaps against all odds it won't. A foolish dream.

Silently my mother leaves the room. Carefully I remove the blood soaked clothing.None of it made sense, at least not to me. It seemed so simple, nothing major. Yet I ended up in the hospital needing surgery. If I had just stayed put, would I be okay? Part of me wonders if it got so bad from me trying to get help.

Some days I wish I had just let the darkness take me. I could've woken on that floor, or drifted into an irreversible sleep. "I'm leaving", my mother calls. Her voice shaky. I know she's praying there won't be a repeat. Gently I sat on the bed, clothing still in hand. She'll have sent a friend to "babysit" me. All I could do was hope I was wrong. Please, I pleaded silently. Please.