Lost and unloved?

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Chapter 21


I heard Pan calling my name but ignored it. I didn't want to see him or listen to him. I was walking till I got to the cliff and sat down. I wanted to cry, to scream but I would not break my promise to myself.

"Here you are" I heard a British accent. Pan of course.

"Go away." I said my voice cold.

"No." He spoke and I laughed. I got up and turned to him, annoyed, raged. 

"What is your problem? Why can't you leave me alone? Why are you playing games with me? I trusted you, Pan. I trusted you!" I screamed at him while he just observed me. "I told you my fears, my nightmare because I trusted you. And now you are playing with them? With me. With my trust. Why? Why Pan? How-

"I want to make you fearless, stronger and not have any weaknesses," He interrupted me. He had his hands crossed over his chest, standing firm at the spot piercing me with his green eyes.

"There are hundred other ways to do that. And you are taking the most painful way!" I cried. "why?" I asked my voice cracking.

"Because that is who I'm Clary!" Pan screamed at me, his green eyes getting cloudy. "I make people suffer. I make people sad.I hurt them. That is me.I'm a villain. And I will make you stronger and fearless in the most painful way because it's the best way and the fastest way." He told and his voice was way dark and deep, like the ocean surrounding the island, like the waves crashing into the soil. It sounded beautiful but still dangerous.

"WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT TO ME!?" I snapped at him as he clenched his fist.

"Because I want to. I want you to be like that. To be unstoppable. And know one thing. I always get what I want. I always win. I always do what I want. I don't give a damn if you like it or not. Be ready for more tests, my dear. And don't forget this; I'm the leader here." He spoke and turned around leaving me alone. I bit my lip so hard that it started to bleed. I licked the blood and sat on the ground. His words spinning in my head. He is not going to break me, no. I'm strong enough to win this. God, why is he doing this? Why me? Why did I even say those words? Why is he so harsh, cold and full of himself? He wants to make me stronger. Fearless, and he wants to make my weaknesses disappear. That's not possible. But maybe he can really do that? I mean, it will be great to be so strong, smart, unstoppable like him. But I can't. Not when I just build myself up. Then the words that Brent came back. Lost and unloved. Yes. I'm lost. But unloved? I mean my parents love me, right? My brother? But I left them, without saying a thing. Am I unloved? And am I trying to find love? No, I'm not. After Alec, I really don't want to fall in love ever again. Alec, was my first love, my first kiss, my first boyfriend. But I was to him just another girl. That was another reason why I'm like this. But, Pan is making me feel different. He is so different from Alec, he is so mysterious and dangerous. So bad and adventurous. I'm trying so hard to hate him, but I can't. I mean I do hate him, but there is something more. Damn this is so fucked up. I was so confused, and I didn't know what to do. I needed Eva, I needed my sister.

*Flashback*

"Eva open the door." I said knocking on her room door.

"Eva!" I screamed.

"Open the damn door" but nothing. I growled and ran to her garden. I climbed the tree to her window and saw her crying. I knocked on the window and she looked at me. I pointed to the window and she sighed. She got up and opened the window.

"Well thank you." I said jumping into her room. Her eyes were full of tears. I was so sorry for her. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to go through what I did with Alec.

"Come here," I said hugging her. She hugged me back and cried. She was crying and crying. She loved that guy so much. And he? Well, he was just like my ex. Well, I was not surprised, they were best friends after all.

"Are u better?" I asked and she nodded. We sat on her bed and I take her hand in mine.

"Eva, he doesn't deserve you. He is an asshole. You deserve someone better. Trust me. I know how do you feel right now. And I'm going to say the words you said to me.
He is not worth your tears. You are Eva Monroe. You are strong, beautiful, smart, crazy and my best friend. You will find someone better. I know that. And you will have children and you will have grandchildren. You need to stop thinking about him and start to think about how to show him what he lost. " I said and she looked at me and smiled. Eva hugged me and I hugged her back.

"Thanks, Clary. You are the best." I smiled at those words.

"No, thank you. Now some junk food will be good, right?" I asked and she laughed.

"Yeah," She replied and giggled.

*End of the flashback*

Eva was the one who was always there for me, and I was always there for her.  It was so hard for me when she moved to England. I lost my only real friend. I found new friends, but Eva was special. And she will always be. But she is not here. I can't ask her for help. I need to do this on my own. Now, I need to get up and fight this. But then there was that little voice in my head. What if Pan could help me? Wouldn't be amazing to be so confident. I shook my head. This is so complex. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. What did I get myself into?


Peter Pan's P.O.V.

I got in her head. Just how I wanted. She passed the test. It was so interesting watching her. That fire inside her is so fascinating. I got back to the camp and went into my tent. I sat in my chair and smiled to myself. Pan, you are a genius.

"Pan?" I heard someone behind me.

"Yes?" I asked and turned my head left to see Felix.

"So, what is going to be with Clary?" He asked.

"We will do just like she said. We will play this sick game." I answered and Felix beamed.

"Doesn't she know?" Felix asked and I chuckled.

"She just doesn't want to admit it." I said and Felix shook his head his long blonde hair flying in the air. 

"Isn't that fascinating about her?" Felix asked and I glanced at him. "How she thinks that she can win?" 

"She needs to learn a lot, my friend, a lot." I told and he nodded in agreement. Felix is and always has been my best friend. My right hand.

"Pan, what will you do when you change her?" He asked. I sighed while thinking. 

"I don't know yet, But let's not think about it yet, let's just have some fun for now," I answered and Felix grinned while getting out of my tent.

Clary is a smart girl. She will learn fast. She is stubborn though. But when we had our little fight on the cliff, I was feeling eerie. She was right, she trusted me. And I was playing with her fears. But, she will thank me later.  Isn't that funny? Clary is on my mind 24/7. And I don't get why. Whenever I look at her, touch her I feel something. Sometimes I ask myself, why am I doing this to her? What's the real reason. To make her hate me, or to make her stronger? I'm confused by my own actions and thoughts. Great, I'm fucked up. I shook my head and teleported myself to the echo caves, I needed to visit my old friend.

Hey guys!! I hope you like this chapter, I will try to upload it every day now, school is over so I have more free time. :) Finally. Thank you all so much. Please vote and comment. And if you have some questions for my story, ask I will answer right away. Love you all! xoxo

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