Eleanor & Me

48 - R.I.P.

48 - R.I.P.

R.I.P. to the girl you used to see. Her days are over, baby she's over. I decided to give you all of me. 

I hurried towards Wilhelmina’s office, making sure no one saw me on the way there. I was incredibly self-conscious of my terribly bad trimmed hair and was afraid of anyone making fun of it or even noticing it. I was in a very fragile state, in which I would burst out because of anything. I thanked God no one took a second glance at anyone else in this hostile building because that would have only crushed me even more than I already was. Good to know no one gave a fuck about anyone else around here. Never thought it would benefit me somehow someday, oh how things change.

I could only picture in my mind how Wilhelmina would react. She would probably flip out when she saw me. She would kick me out before I even started explaining why my hair wasterribly trimmed and I would get a flight ticket thrown at my face with Canada written on it in big black letters. I shuddered at the mere thought of it. I started hyperventilating at the idea of me leaving, this had become my dream and it was all painfully slipping away from me because of Sheryl.

I had managed to control myself as I made my way through the halls of the building but now that I was getting closer to my tutor my strength was quickly decaying once more. I was feeling everything around me moving round and round, making me feel dizzy once more. I was sure I would vomit in any minute. The pressure of everything going wrong was too much for me. I was absolutely sure no one had to go through as much as I had to, to be a model. Most of the models’ biggest problem was younger competition. Nothing like the hell I had to get through every day.

And I knew I could spend entire days trying to understand why these things were happening to me. But I had a choice, do that or suck it up and face it. But I could not think of that now, I was still in shock. All I knew was that I no longer was the naïve, innocent girl that came from Canada. Here, I had become a woman, and I had been forced to become strong, but I had anyway. I was not going to thank anyone for it, though.

But at the thought of Wilhelmina turning her back on me, my legs trembled under my weight and my hands sweated with absolute fear.  I knew that if I went into her office, the chance of her giving up on me and sending me back to Canada was big. But where else would I go? She was the only one I trusted. There was no one else for me to count on.  

I tried to ignore those heartbreaking feelings and thoughts and left everything drain out of my mind, trying to convince myself that Wilhelmina had feelings and that she actually cared about me and she would let me explain and see it was not my fault. I rested my back against the wall next to her door, taking deep breaths, trying to woman up and get a positive outcome of this –whatever it was. I was still trying to figure out if I should mention Sheryl, but then I realized that would not bring my hair back so I decided not to. She would be mean no matter what, so there was no point to that. But there still was a part of me that was crushed and could only ask why this was happening to me. What had I done to Sheryl to make her do this to me? I knew if I asked Wilhelmina she would say it was out of jealousy, probably I was taking the spotlight from her in the photo shoot. After a month of being here I knew I was good, but I was not the only one. Lucy, Taylor, Kaya, Eleanor. We were all good, why were the new girls so mean only to me?

That same part of me that wanted to know-demanded to know- what had I done to deserve all of this, had I sinned that much? But how? I was a virgin, I had never got into a fight with anyone, and I had never caused too much trouble.

Why was I paying for so much when I had not even done that much?

The tears had faded away, there were only bitter thoughts left in my mind, which I pushed away. They were the least I needed right now and I would not let them blur my thoughts and actions.