Eleanor & Me

34 - Mamma's Broken Heart

34 - Mamma's Broken Heart

But this aint my mamma's broken heart.

It was a very active day for Brittany. She was handed a map and the list of addresses she had to go to. She had her first appointment in one hour. She took a deep breath in and walked out of the agency. She looked around, wishing she knew this city better. She took a good look at her map and headed to where she thought was the right direction (even though there is only one direction). Luckily, it was. She got to her first appointment with twenty minutes to spare.

From there on, she assisted to three appointments more. It was a bit intimidating because she was on her own surrounded by all these beautiful models who looked – and probably were- skinnier than her, but the auditions were actually pretty awesome, really fun. She had to try on some beautiful garments, give her number and other details so that they could contact her and walk and have some pictures taken; things for which she had practiced already. It was unbelievable how Wilhelmina had helped her and she had not realized. She would have to thank her later.

Big time. Dinner would be on her this time.

By four in the afternoon, the auditions were finally over. Her feet were sore and her body felt heavy and saggy. She carried herself around with a lot of trouble. She just wanted to quickly get home and rest while having some hot chocolate. She walked into a bus and paid attention, she did not want to get lost. Not today, she was too tired as to get lost. But it seemed as if luck was over for her today. She had spent all of it on the auditions. There was nothing left. Before she even knew it, the bus driver got to a station and asked her to get off. He was not able to give her directions for she had no idea of where she lived.

She sighed and started to walk. She had no idea of where she was heading to, but what else could she do? She could probably ask someone to drive her to the agency. At least she knew the agency’s name. But she could get murdered if the car she got into was a murderer’s one. Or get raped, or end up in Thailand as a prostitute. She had seen a lot of things like that on television, Home & Health, Discovery and channels like that. Those channels that were created only to traumatize one for life.

Two hours later, she was still wandering who knows where in London. She gave up and sat at a bench.

“You have got to be kidding me. I was having such a good day. What if I did get any of those jobs? It won’t matter. Now I will be a homeless person, I will never go back home. I should have stayed there in first place. Stupid London, why do you have to screw my life like this?” she ranted with an occasional huff.

“It’s not the city, it’s not the country, and it’s not the people. It’s you darling. You screw yourself up,” her inner voice answered.

She clenched her jaw, making her teeth clatter, wishing her conscience would shut up and everything would just go away. She wished she was back in Canada, in her comfy green bed enjoying a magazine while listening to Taylor Swift or Avril Lavigne or even Cher Lloyd. She wished she had never left home. Probably her heart would have never broken the way it was now and she would have been happy with what she had. But no, she had to be ambitious and want to travel the world.

And what had that got her? Nothing.

She crossed her arms across her chest. She was so mad at herself for not being able to do anything right.  She relaxed in the bench, thinking about how it would be her new home and she would sleep there. Thinking about where she would put her stuff.Where she would go to ask for food or clothing, etcetera. Hakuna matata, right?