Confessions of Your Friendly Neighborhood Lifeguard

Chapter Twenty Four

I woke up at the ass crack of dawn the next morning and drove to my mom's house to prepare for the wedding. When I got there, the house was in chaos as my aunts and cousins ran around the house, fussing over my mother. As soon as I walked, in the attention spread.

I was the only bridesmaid in the wedding, but my extended family as well as my soon to be step-family was there to help. I had realized it early on, that this wedding was just as much about me as it was about my mom and Brad. I never knew why, because I never intended it to be that way. I imagined it had something to do with my mom and Brad seeking my approval, and therefore making it a wedding between all three of us. 

A few hours later, my hair was done, my makeup was done, and we were getting ready to head to the beach where the wedding was to be held. As I grabbed the flowers for me and my mom, my mom appeared before me, all dressed and ready. I stared at her, and I was surprised when I started to feel a few tears coming to my eyes.

"Mom," I whispered. "You are so beautiful. You look... just, beautiful." My mother was radiant in her mermaid fitted gown, and her hair pinned up elegantly to the side. My mom was beautiful and glowing, and I knew that this was her happies day in a long time, and that made me happy.

"No, Rae you're beautiful," my mom said. "And I wouldn't look like this if it wasn't for you."

"What are you talking about?" I laughed. "I'm not-" Before I could finish my sentence, my mother grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the couch where we sat down together. She pulled both my hands and held them in her lap, over her white satin gown. 

"I know what I did was horrible and unforgiveable," my mom said, her eyes glistening. "But somewhere, in your heart, you found the will to forgive me. And if it wasn't for that, your compassion and forgiveness, this day wouldn't be here. I would have sulked in misery until the day I died. But today I'm going to be the happiest I've been in a long time, and it's because of you. And I don't know what I did to deserve the most kind and caring daughter. Because we all know that I don't deserve you."

It was the first time, we had really, honestly talked about what had happened. It was water under the bridge for us, really, and I forgave her without ever really spelling it out infront of us. But in those moments, right in front of me, dressed in our wedding formal, I realized really the path our lives could have gone in. There could have easily been three unahppy, depressed members of the Petrov family. But instead, today, there was two very happy Petrov family members and one very happy future Mrs. Hawkings. 

"All that matters is that you're happy, mom. Really."

"Are you happy, though, Rae?" my mom asked. 

"Of course I'm happy," I smiled,

"You're happy for me. But are you happy for yourself?" my mother questioned, staring at me intently. "You've changed a lot since last summer, and you've become so selfless... so giving. And I just worry that you yourself aren't happy. And I so want you to be happy."

I struggled to find words to reply to my mom. In fact, I completely failed. Nobody had asked me a question like that in ages, maybe even ever. I didn't even think I was selfless, I thought I was selfish. Leaving my dad, my mom, Patrick... wasn't that for me? Forgiving my dad, forgiving my mom... those were for them. 

And that left Patrick, where my true selfishness lied. I didn't allow myself to think at the time, but Patrick would have been what made me happy. He was my complete and utter happiness. I pushed the thought as far from my mind as possible. It didn't matter.

"This is your day, mom. This isn't about me," I smiled. "It's about you."

Three hours later I sat at the head table of the reception, watching my mom and Brad sway for their first dance on the dance floor. My head rested on my chin, staring in to a deep gaze. The wedding was beautiful, and the food was great, but we were drawing to the point of the night where if you didn't have a boyfriend or a friend to hang out with, you just sat in the corner, Dirty Dancing style.

What my mom had said had ate away at me all day. I never considered myself unhappy until that moment when she said it. I had friends at home, but that really wasn't enough. When I was with them, I really was just floating along day to day. I hadn't been truly happy since Patrick. And I hated myself for it. And more importantly, I hated Patrick for it. I hated that he was still in the back of my mind after all this time, despite how hard I tried to forget.

"Rae, I really wish you would have some fun," my mom said, appearing behind me. 

"I'm just really tired," I replied. 

"Well buck up," she smiled. "It's almost time for the cupcakes!"

"You mean the cake?" I questioned.

"No, the cupcakes." My mom said, walking away to the dessert table. 

It took a moment for it to click in my head, the association between the cupcakes and my worst fear. I didn't see how I didn't see the foreshadowing. I was literally staring at me in the face. I honestly thought my intellect was higher than that. 

I quickly got up from the table and turned around to leave, to hide.. something! Anything before the innevitable happened. But as I turned around, I ran in to the one thing I wanted to avoid like the plague. Like, I literally ran in to him, because that is how fate treated me in Snow Beach. 

I stared up slowly, until finally meeting the eyes of my greatest fear for the first time in nearly a year. His stern face moved in to a slight smirk and his eyes twinkled as he stared down at me. My blood rushed through me as I struggled to control my whole body. 

"You weren't trying to run off now were you?" Patrick asked. "Because this time, I won't give up so easily."