Reason to be - Harry Styles ✓

49. The return

The song on the side fits the last part of the chapter best :) 

***

Five months later...

Frozen. That was what I felt like. Frozen in time. Frozen in the cold wind of January that burnt my cheeks. All I could see in front of my eyes was a motionless white, and it wasn't just because of the snow all around me.

A shiver made my body shudder as my eyes watched the fast descent of the sun, and I wasn't completely sure that coldness caused it. Only here, surrounded by conifers at the top of the hill I could feel calm and peace. I loved this place, especially because it offered me such a great view of the sunset over the park of my childhood, but, sadly, I hadn't come here very often lately. I liked telling myself that I had been busy with school, particularly after the decision I had made. But truth was that I couldn't sit here for different reasons - or, let's say, one reason - him.

Quite ironic that I came back now, actually, taking into account what day was today. Liz had been talking about it since she returned from university for the holidays, but I had also been expecting this day for a long time. The fear of it made me imagine all these kinds of scenarios of how I will react and what I will say, although I knew that I would forget them in a second when I would have to face the reality.

When violent coughing made my body shake, I decided that it was best to get going. The light was fading quickly and I didn't want to get lost in the cold darkness of another winter night. I made my way back with no effort, taking the right turns and avoiding obstacles like trees or rocks covered in snow. Everything around me was silent, as it felt like even my own thoughts were too loud for this scenery. The environment was peaceful and breath-taking, and that made me adore it so much. Sometimes, when I was little, I would consider the idea of moving in this forest and live on my own forever, but then I reminded myself that I couldn't leave grandma all alone, so I chased the thought away. I was in a similar situation at the moment; I wanted to run away and never come back to my unbearably silent house; but this time, my grandmother really needed me. Besides, I was sure that I wouldn't survive too much in my actual condition anyway.

It got worse, I knew it. I always hoped that things were getting better when I felt fine for more than a few days in a row; but then the symptoms came back again and it was worse than ever. You'd say you get used to it after happening that often but you never do. Sometimes, it was like a constant nightmare. Yet, not the bad moments were the ones who made me realise that things weren't going in the right direction; the good ones did. Those short minutes of pure happiness I sometimes experienced, when out of nowhere I imagined that I was on a beach, and the sun was brightly shining down on me. Just like dreaming while I was awake.

I started ignoring those thoughts when I noticed that I was almost back on the secluded alley of the park. As I was quietly making my way out of the woods, I was surprised to hear a loud, obnoxious voice scream in my ear;

"For God's sake, finally!" Liz exclaimed, making me turn around in shock. "Do you know how much I have been waiting here? I'm freezing!"

I didn't say anything; only watched the way her words turned into small, white clouds in the cold air. Eventually, I rolled my eyes. Liz ignored me, hiding her face in her scarf and crossing her arms in a desperate attempt of fending herself from the wind.

"Aren't you cold? I don't know how warm a leather jacket and some jeans can keep you." she wanted to know, probably comparing my earmuffs with her fur cap.

I shrugged, looking down at the incredibly white snow that was hiding the grass. Temperature wasn't so important to me; I liked cold weather. Liz looked at me with sympathy and exasperation at the same time. Lately, it had been very hard for her to get a response from me and I was aware that she considered it very annoying. But words were simply a waste. Long ago, I wanted to express in words my feelings for a certain curly-haired guy, but he ended up breaking my heart first. So what was the point?