Payne in the Ass

20. I Think I Just Called Harry a Monkey

I'M BAAAAACK. Oh, that sounded like a sheep. Anyways, enjoy the chapter. The song's used are Clown by Emeli Sandé (aka my 37490237409th wife bc perf) and Too Many Fish by Karmin. I'm not sure why I used the second one, it just got stuck in my head and bam sfhdsiofsd.

 Wait a few more chapters and there will be a plot twist holla.

I've been foreshadowing a lot, woo hoo literacy terms.

 OKAY SO LET'S DO THIS.

 AGAIN, THIS CHAPTER IS NOT EDITED. However, I do have a new editor, so as soon as she finds all my many, many typos and corrects them, I'll replace the text in this with the edited one.

 I had to stop writing this author's note because me mam needed toilet paper. That's awkward.

 HOLLA LET'S GET TO THE CHAPTER.

 Also, if anyone ever wants to contact me or talk to me about anything (AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING) you can A) post on my message board, B) message me on here, C) tweet me at @Cutie_Mix, D) electronically mail me (fancy words) at thirlwhore@gmail.com and E) ask me for my kik because last time I posted it on wattpad, someone put it on a lesbian chat hotline and I got really awkward messages.

 You can also talk to me or Eponine/Sammi/Fae (If you specify whom you're tweeting) at @FuriousAntics on twitter! 

And you can follow me and become a Kool Kat.

 Yay.

 ily guys so much like rlly all ur comments and stuff make me smile!!!1111 omg i just.

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FAE’S POV

A few tour dates later, and we had another off day. And by off day, I mean I still have to do stuff but I don’t have to perform.

I’m beginning to hate Dan the Turtle Man. Does he not realize how lazy I am?

I mean, I could write a whole book on how lazy I am, but I’m too lazy for that.

Bam.

That’s right.

I just sneezed, but that’s irrelevant.

Everytime I sneeze it always reminds me of that one panda video where the baby panda sneezed and the mummy panda was like ‘WOAH WAIT WHAT WHERE WHY QUESTION MARK QUESTION MARK’. Oh, pandas.

Back on the topic of sneezes, it should be mandatory that before one sneezes, they say ‘Pika‘, because then every sneeze would sound like ‘PIKACHU!”

I NEED TO BE THE PRIME MINISTER OR SOMETHING I MEAN LOOK AT ALL MY IDEAS.

Actually, maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to put me in charge of anything because I might cause the United Kingdom to explode and spontaneously combust into flames. London bridge isn’t falling down today. (Because I killed it.)

But on the bright side, we’d have nostril massagers. Just forget the fact we wouldn’t be alive to enjoy them.

I have a question to ask myself before I tell myself to shut up.

What the hell is a nostril massager?

Shut up, Fae.

I AM SO ON CUE. I’M LIKE A NINJA. BECAUSE NINJAS ARE ALWAYS ON CUE. UNLESS THEY’RE LATE BECAUSE THEY HAD A DENTIST APPOINTMENT. BUT YOU WOULDN’T NOTICE THEY WERE LATE BECAUSE THEY’RE NINJAS.