The New Romantics

Chapter Twenty Four: You're Not Sorry

I waved him in and started driving, but said and did nothing more. I honestly didn't know what to do. Should I talk first? Was he trying to put together some thought? Should I just let there be silence? I really did not know.

After a few minutes of silent driving, Benjamin spoke. Thank goodness. I was about to scream just to kill the silence. "I'm sorry. I really am. I- I don't know what go into me. I guess I was trying to rebel against you in a way. I was so hurt and I needed some sort of escape. Books and music didn't help like they usually did. They actually made it worse 'cause everything reminded me of you. I guess I chose to do something I figured would help me forget and was something I couldn't see you doing, despite the fact that I knew there was a chance I would see you at a party more than any other place. I never intended to do all that. Bree was just a one night stand." He glanced at me, probably wondering what I was thinking.

I was thinking so many things. Like just a one night stand? He made it sound like it was not a big deal and wasn't something that would totally break my heart- which, by the way, totally did. He sounded sorry, yeah, but sorry didn't really cover it all anymore. 

Would it have, though? If the circumstances were different and we were still dating, would sorry cover it? What if it was something simple like he spilled coffee on me? Sorry would cover that, right? So why can a small five letter word make up for something worth a good thousand, maybe more? Why can it make up for something silly and small, but also something disastrous and heart-wrenching? 

I pulled the car over and put it in park. I couldn't yell at him and drive at the same. I turned to face him, biting my lip before finding some sufficient words. "One of how many, Benjamin? 14? Martha said you've been going out almost every night since I broke up with you. She wasn't just a one night stand. Nothing's ever just something. She's so many more things. More things to you than me." I said the last sentence quietly. I had meant it as Bree was more things to Benjamin than she was to me, but the way I worded, I realized, made it made it sound like I thought Bree was worth more to Benjamin than I was. Oops.

Benjamin looked down, "Not every night ended like that, Elizabeth. There were some nights where, no matter how much I drank and tried to get my mind off of you, I just couldn't. Even when I did sleep with a girl, I always compared her to you. How you were much prettier, smarter. How you had a better body, hair, lips- everything. There wasn't a night where I didn't think about you at least eight or nine times and I always felt guilty, like I was cheating on you when it was all said and done. Not one of those girls completed me like you do. Not one of them were as effortlessly perfect as you are. And if anything I'm unworthy of you..." His voice had gotten quieter and quieter till it was barely above a whisper.

He made me want to punch a wall. "I'm suppose to be hating you right now!" I yelled as I hit the steering wheel. My tears were flowing freely again, but I didn't care. I had much more to worry about then salty liquid escaping the part of my face I use to see. "I can't hate you when you say things like that. It makes you sound so wonderful, even when you're doing something that tears me apart." I had lowered my voice so I wasn't yelling anymore. How could I hate Benjamin? He was so kind and polite, even when he was still pretty drunk.

Benjamin gave me a half smile and I swear I would have melted on any other day. "I know. You have every right to hate me and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not making you my first. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not waiting. I-I'm sorry about everything. I  have been fighting it all week but, Elizabeth, I simply can't live without you." He took a breath, probably trying to calm himself, "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me." He looked down again, maybe embarrassed of his comment, or maybe he was scared for mine.

I shook my head and looked straight ahead at the road unfolding in front of the car. "I'm not mad at you for those things. I'm not mad at you at all. I should be. I should be cliché and let you walk home and not talk to you ever again. Even more so, you're suppose to hate me. You're suppose to be ignoring me for having dumped you for someone totally not for me. You're not suppose to say all those things that make me fall for you even harder." I looked down at my hands and shook my head. "I'm not suppose to be here. I'm suppose to have let you go." I sniffled and wiped at my face, becoming very insecure of my emotions.

"I know. But I don't hate you, I am saying these things and you're here. You came after me." He looked up at me and reached for my hand, bringing it up to his lips and kissing it. "I guess the universe thinks we belong with each other." He rubbed his thumb across my knuckles as he whispered, "I never stopped loving you." 

I pulled my hand from his grasp and wore at the hem of my shirt. I know the move probably broke his heart, since he told me that's what it did before, but I just couldn't handle his touch. "I didn't either. I thought about you from the moment you left, and I saw you everywhere I went." I looked down at my hands and sniffled again. I was trying to stop crying but it seemed so impossible at the moment. With everything he was saying and everything I was responding with, I just couldn't handle the simple notion he was implying.