Victoria's Rants

coming clean

I am myself.

I have brown hair.

I have brown eyes.

I am average height.

I have one dimple.

I like to sleep-in.

I like to dance in big and empty areas.

I like to keep to myself.

I like to read.

I like to write.

I like new changes.

I like graphic-designing.

I like making new friends.

I like the holidays.

I like music.

I like the scent twisted peppermint.

I like summer.

I am myself.

no one is going to take that away from me. no one is going to take control over me and play me like I'm a rag doll, no one is going to see me as someone I am not, and no one is going to play with my feelings like it doesn't mean anything.

today, I've realized that I shouldn't let my friends get to me anymore. I need to stop depending on them.

I've never been mad with myself, for actually allowing them to do things without even including me. I'm finally over of seeing them post pictures of them together on instagram, from going on vacation, having a sleepover, or going to the mall. I'm over of them never asking me to do things with them, I'm over of them constantly ignoring my existence most of the time.

for the past week or so, my sister's been trying to get me to stand up for myself and tell them it's not fair what they're doing. every time, I've denied what they're doing, I've defended them.

I ignored thinking of myself, and I defended them. I didn't think of myself first, I pushed my feelings away.

I've never been so angry with myself.

today, my sister told me a story about her and what was going on with her life. that got me thinking, and I'm going to follow her footsteps.

I'm going to think of myself, and I'm going to move out.

I'm in a house full of desperateness, misery, and pity. every wall has a picture of all of them having the time of their lives without me, reminding me that they don't really care about me. they do, but not to where they'd include me in everything, not to where they think of my feelings.

every piece of furniture is laughing at me, saying that I'm so desperate to be their friend, I'm forcing myself to push away my feelings, and continue to deny that they're hurting me.

every ceiling is pitying me, saying that I'm too short, and not tall enough to stand up for myself. they call me weak. they call me dependent.

I'm over it. I'm over trying my hardest for nothing.

I'm packing my things, and I'm moving out.

this year, I'm going to fade away from their friend group. I'm not going to think negative about it, I'm going to finally care about my feelings and just walk away. I'll continue to be their friends, but not be in their friend group. I'm not going to care that they act like I don't belong in their friend group anymore.

I'm going to make new best friends, to always hang out with and have a great time. I'm going to think of myself. I'll be in a new friend group, one that doesn't put me in a sadness most of the time.

sure, I'll say to them in the hallways, I'll sit with them at lunch a couple of times, I'll talk to them on the bus, I won't forget their existence. but, I will leave the group, for the best of me.

I won't care about what they do together anymore. I'll be somewhere else, too busy having a fun and amazing time with others to even acknowledge that they went somewhere without me.

I am tired of them ignoring my feelings and never including me in anything they do most of the time.

I am myself. and I'm going to prove it this year.

I've moved out.