Thoughts.

Shades of Arrogance

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Somebody had to go out and face them. They were out there, waiting for somebody, waiting for me, and what was I doing? Sobbing, defeated as a familiar face hovered over me.
"Look what we have here. A little, whiny, stupid girl," she sneered, looking at me with those beautiful eyes I longed to have as I stared at her perfection enviously. I wanted to be like her: powerful, beautiful and intelligent.
"Go away," I said in frustration as a few tears rolled down my cheek and onto my palms which lied on my lap. I would seem rather defeated to a watcher from afar and I was, wasn't I? I was not good for anything. I was useless. Pathetic. Odd. Loud. Annoying. Stupid. That's what she called me, yes? Stupid.
"Do you think I'd actually do that?" She mocked, "A stupid little girl like you must be dealt with. You don't belong in this world. Imagine what they will think of you when they hear about this failure. She who they thought was incredible turned out to be a cocky, self-centered imbecile whose ego is greater than her IQ."
"I'M NOT LIKE THAT!" I shouted.
"But you are, deary," she cooed and for the millionth time I wished to kill her. She was perfect. Why was she perfect? She looked like me in every way but she wasn't. She was better. She was the one who everybody loved, who everyone looked up to - who I looked up to. I shuddered as she traced my cheek.
"You're a retarded little thing. A mad girl," she said rather seriously and I believed her. I always believed her. I wanted to be like her.
"I...I just messed up once...I can fix it..." I muttered and I knew that wasn't true. Perhaps if I could convince myself it would be enough to go on with life. I wouldn't have to be as embarrassed perhaps. Somebody could still maybe love me.
"Nobody will ever love or admire you. Don't be ridiculous," she laughed coldly. She was really good at reading my thoughts and that was why I was her prisoner.
"I'm a good person. Somebody must like good people, right?"
"No one likes good people. They're useless," she spat, "Why would anyone settle for good and retarded when they can settle for someone like me - good and ingenious?"
She was right.And why wouldn't she be? She was good at everything she did - the best - and she was beautiful - more beautiful than anyone could fathom.
"What should I do?"
"Nothing. Drown yourself. See if anyone cares. I don't know how you'll survive if anyone spares you a second glance ever again. I mean take a look at you and all your imperfections. Nature's personal joke. You think you're good at something? There will always be someone better," she hissed as she flicked my chin with disgust, "I honestly don't understand why they bother with you. No taste in anything. I am tired of you. I don't think I can imagine anything worse than this failure. You can do far worse if you continue living, of course -" I started trembling "-but I suppose someone will pity you and take you in although you won't get any personal treatment. You'll become a dirty street girl, if you will."
She moved to the window of the building and I saw everyone I knew looking at the window, expecting someone to open it and face them, someone that would be her. And she looked fabulous. Charismatic, clever, admired, respected - everything I ever wanted to be. Her gleaming olive eyes greedily stared upon the outside world and her hands nonchalently traced the hinges of the windows and doors.
"But if there is one thing you're any good at, it's opening these windows for those eyes to see me," she murmured softly and turned towards me, "Won't you, deary? I can't do it by myself."
I loved her. I hated her. I was jealous of her. She was everything I wanted to be. She got everything she wanted and she knew that she was my only weakness. I would do anything for her. I would die and she would live. But what for? What for?
She was her own master. She was her own god. She craved everyone worshipping the ground she walked on. She had every good personality trait I possessed and as I stood there thinking of a response, a genuine smile crept to my face that I haven't had in a long time.
She noticed it.
"What?" She grimaced, her cute nose scrunching.
"No."
"W-what did you say?" She muttered in shock.
"No. If I allowed humanity to see you, how would you help it? You would only destroy it," I smiled and shyly glanced at my feet, "One must fail in order to succeed. And you, oh arrogant one, must fail this one time in order for a part of humanity to succeed."
"You have no idea what you're talking about!" She snarled, and for once, she looked like the terrible beast she really was. Her olive eyes became scarlet and her hood black. She hissed like the angriest of cats and growled like the maddest of dogs, but I couldn't help but laugh.
"Look at you. How could have I been fooled by you for so long? How could have I been so led astray? You lost your beauty the moment you thought you had some importance. You lost your intelligence by overestimating your goodness. You are surely one of the losers. Good? How can you be good? Surely your perception is twisted and foreign. You, my arrogant one, are not good. You are indeed painted with many colors of seeming beauty but you are a demon that strips away any humane trait one possesses," I said darkly and finally regained my composure after a long time. How can anyone become a master over themselves? How can anyone settle that their logic is The Logic or that their intelligence is The Intelligence? And this girl, this seemingly beautiful girl, began to vanish before my eyes, her eyes widening with fear and menace.
"No! I have been with you for so long. How can you do this to a friend!" She screamed.
"You are no friend of mine."
"I will come back for you; that you must surely know!" She hollered in vehement malice.
"I know you will and you will be in yet another form. You look rather the same once I discover you. You don't remain hidden for long," I whispered when the last of her essence vanished.
At last, I was in peace with myself.
I looked down at everyone I knew and began unlatching the hinges of the windows and doors. They had to meet with somebody even if I had failed. They were expecting it.
And it was going to me with my blacks, whites and greys. At last, I would be satisfied with it. For who was I?
I was not my own master, that was for sure. I only had responsibility and I would not be defeated by what seemed to be a lack of motivation controlled by self-importance. I had a duty. I would fulfil it with responsibility being my sole motivation.
For what else was I created for? I would have to answer for my deeds and misdeeds alike in the end and I would be driven by my responsibility that was given to me by birth.
I inhaled and smiled, pushing the windows open.
They all looked at me with different expressions on their faces. There was anger, delight, fear, disgust, worry...a stream of endless emotion.
I nervously laughed and began to speak.