Thoughts.

Wet Bird

I stare at the rim of my bed in a trance and hold my breath for a few seconds longer. Deep in thought as I quite often tend to be, I turn to my side to get up. I just sit there for a few moments before taking my old journal. Packed with memories. Vomiting all emotion I have ever felt. I smile slightly and open it, knowing what it held - everything starting from the beginning. I hesitate slightly and exhale. I have avoided this very journal for a few months now and begin contemplating why this was so. It is difficult to express what I feel these days. I don't know whether I should write about it or not. It all seems rather wrong. That is why I write now for the sake of writing. 

This won't be anyone's favorite chapter because what I really want to write is something I cannot. Because something always comes around and messes up whatever I have in plan and I'm all rather tired of it. Exhausted. Like the rain torturing a small bird trying to fly. But the rain is everlasting. Not only is it everlasting but it gives life. That's why it never stops and that is why I stay in on evening's such as these and stare out the window watching the leaves shudder at the wind's touch instead of leaving for town and spending the night with friends. I don't really mind being alone. Anyone who knows me will know that I enjoy long walks and spending them indulging my thoughts, contemplating what if's and what when's. I don't know why but it makes me chuckle and shake my head.
 Everything I thought I knew was nothing what is.
 I suppose that is why I don't write in that journal much anymore - perhaps only in reminder - because my perception of things twist and churn constantly as events play out.
I'm disappointed in my understanding of people. I'm disappointed that people would run away from others in order to run away from themselves. Sure, I heard that wisdom countless of times in movies, stories and poetry, but now I finally know what it means. Why are people scared of themselves?
 It goes something like this:
Run. Run. Run.
And other people 'try' to help.
You seek help from anyone. It doesn't matter if you know them well or not or if you trust them or not or how close you are to them or not and it doesn't matter what they say as long as they offer any ridiculous solution - be it related to the problem or not.
And the response kind of starts like this: "I understand what you're going through...I have a friend/cousin/brother/sister/girlfriend/boyfriend that's going through the same thing. I mean I don't know what you're going through exactly but my story totally makes a difference."
The sad thing is that it does make a difference because you're that desperate for help so you avoid the problem or anyone related to it like the plague even though the problem is in your very self.
Facing yourself is all so very difficult, isn't it? I get it. You think I haven't been through this? It used to drive me insane. But it was all over once I decided to face the problem and remind myself what is what I wanted from life.
So yes, I'm exhausted of them and almost nothing can soften my heart anymore because everything is all rather temporary and relative. There is no commitment in anything and I will never believe there is. Not anymore. I do trust people, but never their feelings or words based on what they feel.
"I don't want to lose you."
"I love you."
"I'm coming back for you."
"You make me happy."
"I'll always be there for you."
"You can trust me no matter what."
"You are the only friend I can count on."
Brief statements deep in meaning. How many times have we all heard this? Be honest. Those lines that strike us to the very core. And how easily we all use them just to relieve ourselves of what we feel in some moments not thinking what consequences they could have in the future. The impact on others. They are unspoken promises, aren't they? We all know it.
But, okay. Let's say I've over-exaggerated it all (because I probably have, right?). Let's say it's just a form of a temporary bond. I suppose there are some of you out there that have something truthful placed between each other, be it friendship or something more, so I have to correct myself as an objective writer must do. I have to trust something other than these lines for the sake of others.
Hmm.
What about a little something called 'actions'? You know. The things you actually DO in order to stick to your promise or words. Even if that promise was three years ago, it doesn't matter. And if it all doesn't seem that important to you, I have a few words to say to that.
This is what you're doing - let me give a short, silly scenario:
You have a child whose sister is poverty and you're promising it food and water.
"So child, work for me, and I'll give you what I've promised."
The child does, excited and hopeful. (And get this - anyone can promise this child the same thing. It just decided to trust you, right?)
Then you decide that you won't give it what you promised because something else popped up or because you never intended to give anything anyway.
The end.
I apologize for the simplistic example. It was bad enough to kill me. I'm really not that creative to come up with anything better than that but basically, that's what it is. Promises are like tissues these days. You just sneeze into them and throw them away.
Why should anyone trust anything without a contract (yep, people have always needed them because they're of that nature)?
I pity what people have to become in order to be "strong": immune to promises, distrusting, skeptic and really anything between those lines. I don't want to be any of that, honestly. It'd be easier if everything wasn't variable. But...that's who I was forced to become: a person that doesn't take anything to heart. A person who won't soften to any kind words.
Why?
Oh well...you know. People.
Do you feel bad about it?
Yeah sure. They think of me as emotionless but what other option do I have, honestly? I have to move on. I have to convince myself that those people really didn't mean anything serious by those words anyway, that they were promises of a child. If they had been serious, they wouldn't have done this. They wouldn't have tried ignoring me. They would have valued me as an individual. They wouldn't have tried to run away and shut me out of their life even though they were filled with regret at the thought of it.
I can't stand environments like that. Uncertainty is instability. How many times have I wrote this down before?
Right.
So it's easier not to be a pawn in this complicated game of chess in your mind. I just had to get knocked down by your queen in the corner because I bothered you from getting that check-mate you've always wanted. Now things are much simpler and we have nothing but time in front of us. Now it is easier dwelling on what our values are and what we have always wanted (do you even remember what you want or has everything changed your whole being from the inside out?).
People are so strange, didn't you know? They only appreciate something once they lose it. Be it a mother or father or house or cat. Be it the ten bucks that accidentally fall out of your pocket when you're crossing the street. We never think of how blessed we are rather only of how wrong and messed up our situations are. Instead of plucking the courage to face them with assurance and wit, we run as fast as the wind, hide under a rock until our hearts become that rock itself. How that does us any good, I'm afraid I will never understand.
So these are my thoughts as I take this journal of mine and flip through some poems I wrote back then when I was younger. How my younger self was filled with such enthusiasm and hope...Those thoughts then? They are all rather happy, you know? Like that small bird that found a branch to hide under as the rain pours on.