The Underground

Decisions

I sit in my bunk, my heads in my hands. I was having one of those oh-fuck-moments where you realize you're life has gone to complete shit.

It was a couple days after court and I just start to understand I had no one. No family. No one from my past. No one except Levi, that is. The thought makes my eyes sting in that pathetic way they used to when I was ten.

I never cried. Ever. But now I want to. Would it help this horrid feeling inside?

The emptiness was eating at my insides when Annie, Ymir, and Christa burst into our room. "Hey--" Christa began before she saw my facial expression.

"Whoa." Ymir smirks in that I'm-gunna-make-a-sarcastic-comment way that she does. "Who crapped in your boots?"

I sigh as I watch Christa hit Ymir's shoulder, the part she could easily reach. "It's not a big deal. Just a small moment of weakness." I check my boots just in case as I slip them on.

We were back on the training grounds.

An: I have no idea where they were at the time so I'm just going with this.

We had to make our decision which military branch we were going to serve under tomorrow. I of course was going to the Scouts, even though I lost most of my initiative to do so. Maybe I just needed something to believe in. I always believed in meeting Isabel, Farlan, and Levi there.

My heart felt like it was being punched. I didn't even know them well and I mourned them more than I mourned my father. Such a great person.

"...(Y/n)?" Christa asks gently, seeing that I was staring into space.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're ok? You look--"

"She's fine, Christa." Annie finally spoke up, watching my face. "She's probably just thinking about tomorrow."

I tossed her a grateful look before nodding at Christa. "Yeah. Big decisions."

She released a breath and smiled. "Oh ok."

I suddenly feel strangled in the room, needing fresh air. "I'm going for a walk. I need to think." It isn't the full truth. I did need to think, not about this.

"Later." I hear Ymir yawn as I push open the door and make my way to the fresh air.

~~Flash Back to Four Years Ago~~

"Get. Up." My father glared at me for the hundredth time today. I had grown to hate training more and more.

"How bout you stop knocking me down? Huh?" I spat back bitterly and stood up. I hated this side of him. It was like he had multiple personalities. One moment he loved me and the other he lived to watch me hit the mat.

"Don't be mad 'cause you still have no knack for this."

"Are you seriously saying that I suck?" I glared with my hands on my hips. I put in years to get this good. No one down here could even try to kill me. They knew better.

"Yes, I am. What're you going to do about it? Whine and complain? Or are you going to prove me wrong?" His grey eyes sparked with amusement against my (E/c) eyes that sparked with utter hatred.

"Screw you." I growled through gritted teeth as I put my fists up.

He laughed though. "That's my girl."

We went at it for hours until I couldn't get off the mat anymore. I gasped, dazed as I blinked at the ceiling. He almost knocked me out completely.

He grunted in disapproval. "That's enough for today."

He went into his room and closed the door, leaving me to bake in a pot of my anger. What. An. Asshole.

I stood up and walked to his room, hand resting on the doorknob before swinging it open. Dad stood inside wiping his sweat on one of his old shirts. He barely glanced at me.

I forced all my anger down to my stomach and leaned against the door frame. Taking a deep breath, I asked the question I wanted to ask forever.

"What was mom like?"

He froze and stared at me like one of my bruises had grown a face and winked at him. "What?" He seemed at a loss for words.

I pressed my lips together and stared right back, not backing down. "Tell me."

He sighed and sat on the floor. "She was beautiful." His gaze fluttered to my face. "She had your (E/c) eyes and (H/c) hair. You have her lips but you have my nose and my attitude." He grinned like it was an accomplishment. "She was my everything..."He turned his pained eyes to me as I sat down. "But she wasn't from here."

I was taken aback. Wasn't from here? He couldn't mean--

"She was from Sina."

"Was?" My voice caught in my throat.

"Was." He clenched his jaw. "She had money. She had beauty. She had me. But I guess it wasn't enough. She left after she had you. Saying 'I love you. But I hate this.'" He gestured to us. The house. The Underground.

I didn't breathe, afraid that if I said something he would snap out of it and stop talking. "She's as good as dead to me now." He balled up his fists but something in his eyes were broken. "She left. She could have taken us with her. She had the power. She could have at least taken you with her. Could have given you a better life."

I glared at my hands. I always dreamed of getting out of this shit show. I had a chance. I could've been a better person. Maybe I would have been best friends with Alyssa. Maybe I wouldn't have been a Monster.

I realized that I hated the woman. I hated my eyes and my hair, my lips, everything about her that I now had to deal with. My dad was right when he said love got you "here". Love left you to starve everyday. To train everyday. To cry everyday.

I vowed to never cry again till the day I died. I had to train. If I ever was gunna get out of this place, I would have to fight for it. I would do this my way. I didn't need my moms money. I had my dads training. I would make this work.

~~Present Day~~

I walk along the path, the sting in my eyes gone. The cadets jacket felt heavy on my shoulders. My own way, huh?