Finding The Light

66

Warnings:
-Mentions eating disorder behaviour

Reggie's POV

~ A Week Later ~

I hadn't told anyone my mental health decreased severely after my insane flashback to my traumatic past. Slowly, the pain creeped into my life like it happened yesterday and I couldn't fight it with drugs or sex anymore.

Instead, I started coping with anything to seek control. It resulted in starvation, a relapse in self harm and eventually no sleep and obsessive and compulsive behaviour. It went from some thoughts to actual behaviour and slowly, my life was taken over by my thoughts.

'Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty,' I counted as I tapped the doorknob, finally allowed to open it after I touched it fifty times. But upon opening the door, dizziness overwhelmed me quite a lot and I slowly turned to the wall to sit down.

However, because of my compulsions, I had to tap the wall fifty time first, but before I even finished three times, I collapsed on the floor and felt my body shake as I fainted from malnutrition...

~~~

'Reggie, can you hear me?' I heard Richard's voice, a hand trying to shake me awake. 'Reggie, open your eyes, please.'

I grumbled and slowly opened them, glancing into his worried eyes. 'Where am I?' I whispered confusedly.

'Oh my goodness, I'm bringing you to the hospital, Reggie. You fainted out of nowhere and you look so awfully pale. Do you know why?'

'I don't want to go to the hospital,' I denied, shaking my head as I tried to stand up. However, he immediately pulled me down and looked at my baggy hoodie.

'Reggie, have you been eating well?' he asked as he observed my body. 'I feel like you've been losing weight and I got a note from the school doctor that you were already quite underweight.'

'I'm fine,' I whimpered, but I didn't want to lie to him either. Tears filled the brim of my eyes as I grabbed onto his hand. 'Maybe I'm not fine...'

'Talk to me, honey. Please, talk to me,' he demanded as he sat down next to me. 'What has been bothering you so much? You've barely smiled, you never come out of your room to have dinner. I'm worried.'

'It's just... The other day, when Jason was here, he grabbed both of my hands as a joke, but dad, I've never panicked as much as I did that day. I went back to the rape, my mind is chaos ever since that day. Usually, I grasped onto substances and sex, but since I don't have that anymore, I feel like I'm going insane...'

'Oh, sweetheart. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you,' he said without judging me. I closed my eyes and curled up in his arms.

'I don't want to disappoint you or anyone else, but I've just been struggling so much... I've battled an eating disorder for years, I guess, but it escalated, just like my obsessive thoughts and self harm.'

'Love, I know this may not sound great right now, but you've gone through so much pain and trauma, I think it would be better to look for therapy and ease the underlying problems. You're struggling with so much more than we can imagine.'

'I don't get why everyone hates me so much,' I whispered with an honest voice. 'I've been raped, I was severely abused by my parents and by bullies, I've been called names my entire life... Just because I'm different than they are, just because Nicky decided to out me.'

'Have you ever told anyone about the bullying?' he asked, which made me shake my head.

'Clay knows some of it, but no one knows everything...' I replied quietly, a sob escaping my mouth. 'I'm so tired of my own thoughts. I'm trying so hard to escape from the pain, but I feel like I'm stuck forever...'

'I think, honey, you have to stop running from it for a while and get some help to cope with it instead. That will be difficult, but you have so many people around you who want to be there for you to help you get through this.'

I looked at him and then nodded. 'I think you're right... But I'm so scared to face it, it keeps me up at night and makes me panic so much. I don't want to feel that anymore.'

'I know you don't want to, but eventually, it'll make you feel a million times better once you've faced it and sought help for it. The way you're living right now isn't healthy, sweetie. You just fainted from malnutrition.'

'I don't believe I really have an eating disorder a lot of the time,' I admitted. 'Because I don't really struggle with my body image. I know I'm not the thinnest, but not fat either. I just want to control something...'

'A lot of the time, an eating disorder isn't even about food. I believe you most definitely have an eating disorder when I hear that you're starving yourself and the will to find control.'

'I love you,' I mumbled, grabbing his hand again. 'You really feel like my father, I hope I'm not weird for saying that. My parents chose to have kids, but they didn't want me, but you wanted to have me even though you didn't choose to have me in the first place...'

He smiled and kissed my cheek. 'You are a gift from God, honey. I've always wanted kids, but I've never found the right person. I've felt alone for quite some time, but you filled the empty space in my life. I don't need a partner when I have such an amazing son like you.'

I squealed and climbed onto his lap, closing my eyes to feel his comfort around me. 'Dad, can I lay with you tonight? I really want to sleep, but I'm too scared to sleep on my own.'

'Of course, sweetheart! We can lay together in the big bed!' he exclaimed. 'And I'll make sure you're safe, okay? You should take a nap, love, you're exhausted.'

'Will you be with me?' I asked quietly, hopelessly curling up. 'Please?'

'I will, I promise,' he answered as he lifted me up as gently as he could. 'I'm so glad your body is slowly recovering, honey, but I think it's taking longer than usual because you're malnourished.'

'I'm not that thin, right? I know I'm not fat, but I don't see myself as thin either,' I questioned uncomfortably.

'You're really thin, Reggie. You deserve to put on some weight and feel much healthier and happier,' he promised as we walked to his room. 'Would you like to try and have dinner with me tonight?'

'Okay...' I whispered. 'But stay with me as I sleep, please.'

1131 words