Finding The Light

19

Warnings:
-None

Reggie's POV

I felt insane guilt and couldn't even stay at Clay's house for any longer. I was too afraid to face him after what I had done, I felt like the most terrible person in the whole world and felt my self hate grow even more.

I promised myself to never let my lustful thoughts get in the way of my relationship with Clay, but I messed it up only a day later and despised myself for my actions. Because of me, he was caught by his own father and from my own experience, I knew he would hate me forever.

I was tempted to even call myself a rapist. What if I forced him and didn't notice his discomfort? Maybe he was crying while it happened and I didn't see, or he felt pressured to tell me he was alright, while in fact he wasn't.

Tears were streaming down my face from the intense self hate. I was too afraid to text him, because I knew he was angry at me. I did something unforgivable and even though, usually, I didn't regret a lot of things, this was something I would never forgive myself.

'You're a rapist, you are a rapist, Reggie,' I repeated, so often that the image of his smile began to turn into one where Clay had tears rolling down his face as I kept going.

My eyes widened and I curled up on the street, guilty ready to explode my chest. What if I told myself he liked it, just so I would be able to get away with it? Was I genuinely such an awfully addicted guy that I couldn't even respect my lover's wishes?

My memory of Clay turned into an awful one and I couldn't stop shaking as I climbed onto a bench in the park. I was too afraid to face him and hear the heartbreaking truth being confirmed by the person I loved.

I may have been raped, but I turned into the rapist myself. I knew how awful it was and how much trauma it caused me, then why did I ever do something like that to him? Why didn't I stop myself? Maybe I hurt him more than I could have imagined, or what if I gave him an STD?

Slowly, my obsessive thoughts went so far that I began to convince myself I wasn't wearing a condom. The whole truth started to switch up in my mind and made me so awfully anxious and angry at myself that I promised myself to never bother Clay again.

I lifted my phone with tears stinging in my eyes and went to Clay's number. With pain in my heart, I decided to block him and sobbed loudly when I noticed his profile picture disappear.

With my whole heart, I would have loved to speak to him and share more of these lovely moments with him, but I had to protect him from the danger I caused. If I was capable of doing this once, I didn't even want to trust myself anymore, because I knew I would do it again.

Slowly, the truth fully faded from my mind and the memories turned into the worst thing I could have possibly done. I was convinced by the thoughts in my mind that I raped my first true love.

The image changed into me pushing his hands down, his voice cracking because of his loud and terrified screams and me punching him on the chest to shush him. I couldn't live with what I had done and hopelessly curled up on the bench in the park, shivering from the cold I was feeling.

However, sleeping on a bench was always better than going home or facing Clay. I was a monster and even though I deserved to be beaten up, I just wanted some peace to recover. But at the same time, I was close to going home, just so I could face my punishment and wouldn't be such a selfish dick for trying to run from the things I deserved.

The debate in my mind continued for minutes, but I didn't have any strength to stand up anymore when I made up my mind to go home and face what I deserved. I honestly wasn't even sure of what I was capable of. Maybe I had done this before and just acted like nothing happened...

With tears rolling down my face, I felt the thoughts getting more and more out of hand. The situation turned from a loving memory eventually to a violent attack, which I would never be able to forget about.

~~~

I stayed at the park when the night fell and eventually decided to rest and close my eyes for a while. I hadn't slept because the bench was cold and painfully hard, every noise around me scared the crap out of me until I decided to sit up and just stared into the distance for the other hours.

My back was sore when I stood up and the rest of my body felt weak, but heavy at the same time. It felt like I couldn't stand on my feet due to the weakness and each step seemed to be a whole marathon to run.

Yet, regardless of my pain, I knew I would have to go somewhere other than the streets. It was either school, which meant I would have to face Clay, or go home, which meant I would have to face my father...

But I wasn't crazy and going home would result in beating, but eventually, my father would force me to go to school no matter how badly I was bleeding, or how much pain I was in. The best option was to face the harsh truth and ignore Clay each step I took.

I wasn't good for him, but I really wanted to change the horrific truth and go back in time to redo all of my mistakes. I didn't understand what got into me, but I genuinely felt like a danger to society. I betrayed him before, by breaking my promises, and ending up doing the worst thing imaginable.

With a stinging pain in my heart from the intense self hatred, I began to walk toward the school. I knew I had to face him one day, but wished I could have stretched that moment. However, there wasn't much I could do. It was either being punished by my father or by seeing the person I loved more than anyone...

1088 words