Finding The Light

26

Warnings:
-Bullying + homophobia (usage F-slur)

Clay's POV

I entered the school a few hours late, which thankfully made me skip biology and maths. Annoyedly, I started to walk towards the next class, but the headache and guilt inside of me were too insane to cope with.

As soon as I realised what I had done, with who and without any reason or doubt, I was filled with the most intense guilt I had ever felt, even more than yesterday when Reggie decided to ditch me.

But one night to forget about my problems turned into something that made it a million times worse than it was before I tried to forget. Eventually, I created such a deep self hatred that slowly, thoughts about death and hurting myself began to overtake my mind.

I gulped as I sat down on a different chair than usual, to avoid the person who I entirely blamed for all the shit I was going through now. If he hadn't been such an asshole, I wouldn't have had to get drunk to forget my pain and wouldn't have had sex with someone.

If he simply had never existed, my whole life would have been ten times easier than it was today. Slowly, the anger inside of me began to turn into something I didn't like, but felt like hatred. I was honestly so aggravated and could curse him because he treated me like this.

I groaned and looked around me, the feeling of being hungover making me want to cry and beat someone up at the same time. It triggered even more regret, but caused all my emotions to be over the place as well.

But when I saw Reggie walking into the classroom, with his bloodshot eyes, reddish cheeks and pale skin, my heart skipped a beat and the nausea from this morning came back like a boomerang.

My chest tightened and my cheeks flushed red. Some prickly sweat appeared on my forehead and suddenly, I had a hiccup and felt my mouth fill with acid. I swallowed it away and leaned back to relax my stomach, but felt my stomach turn.

Reggie made eye contact with me while I tried to fight the feeling of throwing up. Immediately, I looked away from him and jumped up to run to the corridors. When I did, I saw the teacher walking in, looking at me with a frown on her face.

'Clay, are you alright? You can't just run away from class, we are about to start,' she said, trying to hold me back. However, I pushed her aside and ran into the direction of the bathroom, her clueless eyes turning to Reggie.

'Do you know what's up with him?' she asked him, clueless of him basically being my enemy at this point.

'He decided to get wasted yesterday and is dealing with being hungover now,' Reggie scoffed in front of a full classroom.

Slowly, the nausea disappeared and made place for intense anger. I turned around and stormed back into the classroom, pushing Reggie backwards against the wall.

'You're such an asshole, do you even realise that?' I shouted, pushing him again to make sure he would hurt his back. 'Can you just shut your mouth for once in your pathetic life?'

'She asked me something and I replied,' he answered with an eye roll, looking me into my eyes. 'And it's true, you decided to get wasted and fuck some random girl you met yesterday.'

'Oh, are you jealous because I don't return your crush, huh?' I yelled out with a chuckle. 'Because you want to be mine and I'm not into guys like you?'

He stayed quiet and swallowed, the teacher trying to pull me away from him.

'Your silence is confirming it. Did you lose your tongue, pussy?'

'No,' he answered quietly, moving away from me to go back to his bag. 'But I'm not as low as you are. No matter what someone does, you don't share those personal details.'

He had tears in his eyes as some of our classmates were laughing at him and then walked to the door while he softly shook his head in pity. I gulped and began to realise I just told everyone he was in love with me, something he told me in confidence.

'So that's why you've not been talking!' someone already yelled. 'You thought you had a friend, but that fag had to ruin it because he just wants your dick.'

'I'm so sorry, dude, I knew you can't trust faggots like him,' another one replied. 'But we are here for you and you're better off without that unstable idiot anyway.'

Hopelessly, I looked down at my feet and then grabbed my bag as well. Without saying a word, I ran out of the classroom and scanned the corridor to see if Reggie was anywhere near. Soon, I spotted him walking in the distance and sped up to go to him, but the second he saw me, he shook his head.

'Leave my vision,' he begged me, pushing me away from him. 'I don't want to talk to you anymore, Clay. You went too far.'

'Reggie, I shouldn't have-,' I started, but he lost control and pushed me even harder than I did earlier. I tripped and fell down on the floor, hurting my back a decent amount with the impact.

'I don't care what you shouldn't have done, it matters that you did!' he yelled, tears in his eyes. 'You don't get it, do you? You truly don't get what you've done.'

'They'll get over it,' I mumbled, but he laughed sarcastically and nodded.

'They would get over it if it would have been you,' he answered with a low and hurt voice. 'Because you're in the closet and no one knows what happened between us, and unlike you, I would never go as low as you just did. The difference is that I have been outed and bullied my entire life and this will haunt me.'

'Why did you have to block me?' I whispered, but he shook his head and turned away from me.

'I would have explained everything, until you decided to tell everyone my biggest secret. I don't want to see you anymore, Clay. I was in love with you, but not anymore. That's over.'

'Reggie...' I whimpered, trying to pull him back, but he roughly hit my hand away. 'Reggie, they'll get over it.'

'BUT I WON'T!' he screamed out. 'I WON'T GET OVER ANOTHER ENDLESS ROUND OF BULLYING, OKAY? I WON'T!'

He moved away and then sped off.

1098 words