Finding The Light

16

Warnings:
-Mentions severe physical and sexual abuse

Clay's POV

'I'm with you,' I promised again for the tenth time while Reggie was crying in my arms and had a long lasting panic attack. 'I'm here, I won't let go.'

He grasped onto me and continued his heartbreaking sobs while I kept pressing kisses on his jaw and cheek. 'I'm here, I still am. I'm not going away, you're safe with me.'

I noticed the intense restlessness in his body, his hand helplessly moving over his sweats. But as soon as he did that, he seemed to get triggered and started crying even harder until he suddenly started beating himself.

'No, don't,' I demanded as I grabbed his hand. 'You can seriously injure yourself by hitting your genitals. Don't do that.'

'I hate my body, I don't do anything useful with it. It's used, it feels useless and I betrayed you. I'm worth nothing, Clay.'

'But I don't see it as betrayal,' I replied, kissing his cheek. 'You were honest with me right when it happened and even told me the heartbreaking truth behind all of this behaviour. I want you to be honest to me, even when you do something I asked you not to.'

He nodded softly and I lowered my hands to his, gently grabbing his wrists. But as soon as I did, he pushed me away from him. I gasped and fell backwards on the floor, beating my head against the stall door.

With widened eyes, I looked at Reggie who started crying as loudly as in the start and jumped up. 'I'm sorry, let me help you!' he exclaimed, carefully laying his hand on the back of my head.

'What made you do that?' I asked with a shaky voice, lifting myself back up.

'I'm so sorry... I get triggered when both of my arms are grabbed because...' he started, but couldn't finish his sentence. I replayed what happened in my head and saw my hands going down to his wrists, getting pushed the second I held both of them.

'No, I'm sorry,' I said. 'I didn't know, but I will never grab both of your arms anymore. I'm really glad I know these things, Reggie. It helps me to commit myself more to this and understand your behaviour better.'

His bottom lip was shaky as he looked at me. 'Thank you... Did I hurt you?'

'My head hurts a little bit, but I'm okay,' I answered. 'Do you want to hug me again?'

'A short hug,' he replied, wrapping his arms around my waist. I smiled and held him tight, breaking the hug when he moved back. 'Thank you, Clay. I really... care about you.'

'I love you,' I whispered, replying to the thing he told me before dozing off to sleep last night. 'I owed you that one.'

He let a giggle escape his mouth and pecked my lips. 'Thank you again. I feel a lot better now, you always make me feel so great.'

'Immediately call me next time, at any time. During class, at midnight, I don't care. I will come to you as soon as I can.'

I received another kiss and an arm around my shoulders. 'Thank you, Clay. I will call you as soon as I'm able to.'

I couldn't stop smiling as I looked at him and when we started to walk out of the bathroom, he noticed the stare. 'What's up?'

'I just...' I started with an uncomfortable and somewhat confused voice. 'I just like to be around you and feel proud looking at you, knowing you like me more than just a friend.'

He giggled softly, something vulnerable showing that I loved more than anything. 'I'm proud, knowing I kissed the most handsome and sweetest boy in the entire world. You are special to me, Clay.'

We were both smiling like two idiots as we walked to the classroom we had to be. I sat down next to Reggie and raised my gaze. Yet, my happiness declined quickly when I saw all the straight couples around me.

A girl on her boyfriend's lap, another one playing with her boyfriend's hair. The realisation of being different from them made my chest tighten. I wanted to be the same, I wanted to be normal...

The same anxiety as yesterday overtook me again and my hands seemed more shaky than usually as soon as the memories popped up. I wished it was different and the happiness I felt when I was in his arms was ruined as soon as I didn't feel his embrace.

His arms protected me from a cruel world, I felt safe when he was near me. But when he let go, I felt vulnerable. I knew people would hate me and telling my parents would absolutely destroy their marriage even more than it already was.

Instead of my father's cheating, I would then be the cause of a divorce. I didn't want to be the one to always do the wrong things and just wanted to make people proud for once. Maybe it wasn't real and just some weird phase?

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised it was truly not just a phase and I was actually into boys the way other boys were into girls. I hadn't figured out my attraction to whoever, I just knew I really liked Reggie and wanted him to be more than just my friend.

In the corner of my eye, I kept looking at the person I adored the most. I always knew I loved him more than I loved most other people, because he was my best friend and even though he was often an asshole, I knew where he was coming from as well.

The bullying was a lot worse than he had ever told anyone it was. I hadn't had a single clue that he had been raped until today. He purposely kept it quiet, but still, I felt terrible for not noticing any of the signs before. It made me wonder if I could have helped him to not get as deep into his addiction as he was now...

Reggie tapped my shoulder with a soft smile on his face, but knowing what he went through, I saw the broken look in his eyes when he gazed up at me. His smile seemed heartbroken, completely ripped apart because he had never been able to express himself the way he had to and turned into someone he didn't want to be.

'I wish I could heal all of your hidden pain,' I whispered with my eyes turned away.

I felt a soft hand on my thigh and he scooted closer. 'You're not in control of that, Clay. You don't need to heal my pain, I do. You've given me more happiness than I've been able to feel for years and I'm so thankful for that.'

'But I wish I could have done more and would have noticed the signs.'

'There were no signs, it was a job to me to hide what I went through. I didn't want you to notice, so there wasn't anything you could have seen either. You're doing enough, more than you should have even done.'

1203 words